The best (worst) chat up lines according to modern singles: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12245093/The-greatest-chat-lines-time-revealed-new-poll-single-Britons.html (don't blame me!)
1. Is your name WI-FI? Because I'm feeling a connection - 16%

2. Is your name Google? Cause you're what I've been searching for - 15%

3. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you've got 'fine' written all over you - 15%

4. Should we get coffee? Cause I like you a latte - 14%

5. Are you on loan? As you've got my interest - 14%

6. If being beautiful was a crime, you'd be on the most wanted list - 13%

7. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? - 13%

8. What number should I use to text you goodnight? - 13%

9. I believe in following my dreams... so lead the way - 13%

10. Do you work at NASA? Because your beauty is out of this world - 12%

11. Is your name Chamomile? Cause you're a hot-tea - 12%

12. Is your dad a baker? Because you're a cutie pie - 12%

13. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together - 11%

14. Aside from stealing hearts, what do you do? - 10%

15. I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together - 9%

16. Do you have a name? Or can I call you mine? - 9%

17. Wow, you look a lot like my next girlfriend/boyfriend - 8%

18. Do you know CPR? Because you just took my breath away - 9%

19. Do you know what my shirt is made from? Marriage material - 9%

20. Are you a time traveller? Because I see you in my future - 9%

21. You spend so much time in my dreams, I should charge rent - 8%

22. I am not religious, but you're the answer to all my prayers - 8%

23. Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes - 7%

24. Are you Nemo? Cause I've been trying to find you - 7%

25. Are you a keyboard? Cause you're just my type - 7%

4 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Easier than the G-Clamp and gammon steak.????

How long would it take him to get this one...........................

 

 

 

 

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Or make sure it is not a de-horned bull before pulling on a dangly bit!

17 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

You have got to hand it to him for a trick (not) up his sleeve and behind her back!

I think I will have to scratch that from my next list of rib tickling tricks!

Just make sure you shoulder the responsibility if you do ????

9 minutes ago, VBF said:

Just make sure you shoulder the responsibility if you do ????

I'll hand that to you as long as it is not the cold shoulder but then I believe if you scratch my back I should scratch yours!

A maid goes to the wife of the house, and demands a raise.

The wife gets mad and asks the maid "now why do you think you deserve one?"

The maid instantly replied and said "there are 3 reasons."

"One is that I iron better than you."

The wife, surprised by this, snapped back and said

"Who said that?!"

 "Your husband." The maid said.

"Two is that I am a better cook than you." Says the maid.

Once again the wife asks "who said that?"

And again the maid said "Your husband."

"And three is that I'm better in bed than you are."

The wife, now livid, shouts

"Did my husband say that as well?"

The maid looks at her and says

"No, the gardener did."

 

"So, how much do you want?" Said the wife!

Three guys are sharing a bed at a sleepover after a low cost boozy business convention;

When they wake up, the first guy says, "I had a weird dream, I dreamt that someone beat my meat."
The guy on the left says, "Me too!"
The guy in the middle goes:

"That's funny, I dreamt that I was skiing, but the snow was hot and sticky!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's Irish and so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

 

"One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

4 hours ago, oxo1947 said:

How long would it take him to get this one..

I never got the G-Clamp one!

Unless you serve it up to me on a plate I am going to need to get a grip on this hamming up humour!

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

Let's just say that any brains he had are about to be removed!

If anyone says that they saw that coming comment coming from me then shame on you!

????

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I never got the G-Clamp one!

Unless you serve it up to me on a plate I am going to need to get a grip on this hamming up humour!

If you are hoppy and you know it clamp your ham????

 

 

9 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Let's just say that any brains he had are about to be removed!

If anyone says that they saw that coming comment coming from me then shame on you!

????

Well as an ex wood worker i can say he still has a good chance to

not get injured.

Did you look at the saw? lol.

12 hours ago, roo860 said:

Got it..... in about 10 seconds! 

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

 

Well it's what we all call him anyway..............

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. 

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

 

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

 

"Gentlemen, remember -you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed the information.

 

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught!

???

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