24 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but because of the lockdown he has been furloughed so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me as he’s at a loose end , he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made an outstanding job of the landing.

It must have helped if you left the landing light on.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the <deleted> would they want with a plasterer?''

 

 

1

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, won the sword at Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”
At that point, the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to <deleted> off."

There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about the covid. 2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared. Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though. Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight.

On 6/7/2020 at 10:07 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

Irony

Like coppery but a different colour ??

On 6/7/2020 at 10:07 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

Girder

To chain your wife to the stove.

BASQUE.

Where Prince Charles would wait for public transport

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them......
It is a case of in one ear and out the udder

The wife Just asked me if I had any fantasies..
I said "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met"..
She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".
I said "No... Just the first bit".

Gender Inequality!

>>

If a woman sleeps with 100 men she's called a slut,

but if a man does it…

He's gay, definitely gay!

My first experience as ladyboy ...

 

Age doesn't matter!

... and the secret revealed of Age doesn't matter!

 

Go out in style with the “ super flyer “ !!

( discount for Pattaya residents )

 

Honesty , not always the best policy !!