This seems funnier with musical accompaniment.

 

 

 

"Sit!!" 

 

I used to sell security doors and alarms door to door I was really good at it.
If no one was in I would leave the brochure on the kitchen table.

An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Pakistani meet in the waiting room at a hospital.
Over the course of a conversation, it becomes apparent that all three are expectant fathers, all are first-timers, and all their wives are in labour right at that very moment.
The three get talking and are getting on rather well when the doctor appears, looking a little bit flustered.
“Gentlemen, I’m pleased to say that all your wives have delivered healthy sons, my congratulations to all of you.
However, I’m afraid we do have a small problem. We’re a small hospital and we’re not used to the maternity ward being quite so busy- I’m afraid that the midwife forgot to label the cots. We don’t know whose is whose!”
The Pakistani gentlemen smiles and says “Well, I think I can probably pick mine out of the three, but you two have got a bit of a problem.”
“Nonsense!”, says the Welshman, “I can tell my own son! Come on, we can sort this out between us.”
The Englishman reluctantly agrees, and the three troop off to the maternity ward. On arrival, the Englishman enters first and promptly returns with what is, very obviously, the Pakistani child.
The Pakistani fellow protests, as you would, to which the Englishman says:
“Sorry mate, but one of them in there is Welsh, and I’m not taking any chances!”

Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.
“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”
“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”
So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double

The Gaul of it!

 

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul(s) to try it.

Fathers-To-Be Two

Four husbands are outside a maternity ward, waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to.

The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins! The man says “What a coincidence because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities.”

The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets! The man says “That’s weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents.”

The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to quadruplets! The man says “That’s very odd because I work at the 4 seasons hotel.”

The fourth man starts crying. One of the men asks: What’s wrong?

 

 

The fourth man responds, “I work at 7Up."

 

Fathers to be 3

 

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit as they await news on their wives' who are having babies;

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!"

The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure, it was just the same with our Pancake!"

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The bleeding Condom!".

5 hours ago, roo860 said:

Where do you dig that one up from?

I said to the baker.. "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said... "that's Madeira cake"

4 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

That's him stuffed then.

PS;  I wonder who did it!