Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is now the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

EU COMMON TRANSLATION LANGUAGES

Now the the UK is leaving the EU it has been decided to streamline the translation system, especially English.
The EU has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

 

PS;  I should have warned you to switch off your spell checker before reading!

The doctor came to the waiting husband
And handed him the new born baby and said "I'm sorry Mr. Adams, your wife didn't make it."

Mr Adams handed the baby back to the doctor and said

 

"Then bring me the one my wife made"

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

EU COMMON TRANSLATION LANGUAGES

Now the the UK is leaving the EU it has been decided to streamline the translation system, especially English.
The EU has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

 

PS;  I should have warned you to switch off your spell checker before reading!

it looks like Dutch, not German...

2 minutes ago, tgw said:

it looks like Dutch, not German..

Actually it is double Dutch!

A real headline in today's Daily Mail

Las Vegas is a ghost town where even the strippers put up signs­ saying, 'Sorry, we're clothed': 

27 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Oh the irony!

Sorry but I was pressed for time to race to the keyboard.

Feeling bored?  Here's a great way to pass the time.

Phone up women's rights groups and ask to speak to the man in charge.

A white horse walks into a bar.  The barman says "What a coincidence.  We have a whisky here named after you".

"I don't believe it" says the horse, "you have a whisky called Eric?"

In breaking news, somebody's been running around stealing the wheels off Police Cars.
The Police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

4 hours ago, ballpoint said:

In breaking news, somebody's been running around stealing the wheels off Police Cars.
The Police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

Ah!  That's why the wheels of justice are turning so slowly. 

It also means the highway patrol have nothing to go on.

14 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Not just Sat ...

Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, and Fri too.

Post containing profanity removed.