Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said, “Is that a fret?”

A man from a circus travels by car. He has long hair and looks like a mafia boss. A policeman stops the car.
When he looks inside the car, he is shocked. The car is full of big knives.
“What are those big knives doing in your car?” asks the policeman.
“I play with them in a circus.”
“Oh, really?” says the policeman, who doesn’t believe him. “Let’s see how you do it.”
The man gets out and starts throwing and catching the knives. Another man, who is driving around, stops to watch the situation.
“Wow,” says this man. “I’m glad that I stopped drinking before driving. Look at the tests which they’re giving now!”

What is the opposite of a croissant

A Happy Uncle.

Fred is 35 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asks him, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Find a girl who is exactly like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With an unhappy face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was exactly like my mother. You were right. My mother liked her very much.”
The friend says, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My father doesn’t like her.”

Carlos told his wife that he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi.

 

The next day she bought him an electric guitar.

A woman suddenly in labour shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t!

 

The doctor says to her partner "don't worry." “Those are just contractions.”

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, June, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"

Dave leaned over, touched June's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it dear?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

My Grandad used to put a teaspoon of gunpowder in his tea every morning. He said it would ensure longevity.

He was right, he lived to the age of 107, unfortunately when he was cremated the crematorium was destroyed.

A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the Police.

 

 

He must be part of some extreme mist group

I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles.

 

 

My next trip to the bathroom might spell disaster.

I came up with a new word yesterday:-

 

 

Plagiarism

I'm not completely useless -

I can always serve as a bad example.

A blond was staring hard at a carton of orange juice...

 

Walked over and saw the label said "Concentrate"...

Just now, Beachcomber said:

A blond was staring hard at a carton of orange juice...

 

Walked over and saw the label said "Concentrate"...

you know that is a racist joke that depicts certain people by their physical attributes?

3 hours ago, tlandtday said:

you know that is a racist joke that depicts certain people by their physical attributes?

You know how boring all this PC is getting?

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request..?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,
"READ MY LIPS...!
FOR... THE... LAST... BLOODY... TIME... "
"BRING POSSE!!"

UNSOCIABLE PEOPLE. 

Simply pop your coat on before answering your front door. 
If it's someone you don't want to see, you can say you are on your way out.
In the unlikely event it's someone you do want to see, you can simply say you've just arrived home.

LAZY WIFE CURE

 

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. 
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly for the first time since we married

Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.