Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter' who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

The young woman told the doctor "I have a two green marks on the inside of my thigh.
The doctor had a look and said, "Is your boyfriend a Pikey?"
She said "Yes, why?"
He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

Meanwhile, outside the “ Casa Blanca “ !!

 

 

 

The secret is out.

After our dog died yesterday, my wife has been out and brought a new pet home.

It took me 2 hours to change all the passwords.

 

Another boat load of migrants found crossing the Channel from Calais, yet most of you heartless bast**ds have no desire to help them or welcome them to settle in Britain. All I hear is “They should <deleted> off back to where they came from”. Well that would be totally inhumane. Have you not seen the state of France these days?

 

asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place

 

Accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day. My trial starts on Monday.

 

'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

 

Meanwhile, back in the US of A !

 

32 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I am not sure if I can see the Point of it.

Maybe it should be pinned in the family forum!

I went fishing today and ate my maggots by mistake...

Now I'm waiting in hospital with baited breath!

They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but I proved them wrong.

So far I've made 3 jugs and a vase.

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out the next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

Mr. Luckinbill comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news… I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

 

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Luckinbill receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.

 

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Luckinbill? "

"Yes… speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files… HOW ???"

" Yes ….. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!… This is too much…"

"Madam, I am sorry… I am just following orders… I have to inform that you are overdue.."

"I know that … let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.. "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

 

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts..

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off.."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"Well… I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle !!!