I helped a neighbour out today and she said,

"I could marry you."

Unbelievable!

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around,

I was stunned!

Shocking what some people do get attention!

I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her…

She just kept digging up the past!

1 minute ago, fangless said:

Shocking what some people do get attention!

Guilty as charged.

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children.

I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

1 minute ago, ballpoint said:

Guilty as charged.

I might have to place you in a dry cell then.

Reservoir Dodds

 

 

                    How fast was he running?

Francisco D'Mello from Anjuna, Goa, died young and left his vast coconut estate to his devoted wife Veronica.

 

Veronica was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the properties, but knew very little about coconut farming, so she spread the word that she needed a man to look after the estate.

 

Two men applied for the job. One was the local drunk handyman,
Sebastio, and the other was the openly gay ex-tiatrist Benedict.

Veronica thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job she decided to hire Benedict, figuring it would be safer to have a gay around the house than a drunk.

 

Benedict proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about caring for coconut trees.
For weeks, the two of them worked side by side, and the coconut plantation was soon flourishing.

 

Then one Saturday the widow Veronica said to Benedict,
"You have done a really good job, and the farm and the coconut trees look great. You should take a break and go to Panjim and have a good time. Maybe watch a theatre or go for a dance. Here's some money. Have a blast!"

 

Benedict readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came and no Benedict

Two o'clock and no Benedict.

Finally Benedict returned around two-thirty in the morning, and upon
entering the room, he found the widow Veronica sitting in the candlelit hall with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed..

'Now take off my shoes.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the candlelight.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to
the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

*If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Bet you were still thinking Benedict was undressing Veronica..????

On their honeymoon a blonde bride slipped into sexy lingerie and with great anticipation crawled into bed.

 

Finally she got up and found her Catholic husband on the couch.

 

When she asked why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “It’s Lent.”

 

In tears, she sobbed “That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!

 

Who did you lend it to?” 

Moses: Worst Navigator Ever

 

2 hours ago, ravip said:

Francisco D'Mello from Anjuna, Goa, died young and left his vast coconut estate to his devoted wife Veronica.

 

Veronica was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the properties, but knew very little about coconut farming, so she spread the word that she needed a man to look after the estate.

 

Two men applied for the job. One was the local drunk handyman,
Sebastio, and the other was the openly gay ex-tiatrist Benedict.

Veronica thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job she decided to hire Benedict, figuring it would be safer to have a gay around the house than a drunk.

 

Benedict proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about caring for coconut trees.
For weeks, the two of them worked side by side, and the coconut plantation was soon flourishing.

 

Then one Saturday the widow Veronica said to Benedict,
"You have done a really good job, and the farm and the coconut trees look great. You should take a break and go to Panjim and have a good time. Maybe watch a theatre or go for a dance. Here's some money. Have a blast!"

 

Benedict readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came and no Benedict

Two o'clock and no Benedict.

Finally Benedict returned around two-thirty in the morning, and upon
entering the room, he found the widow Veronica sitting in the candlelit hall with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed..

'Now take off my shoes.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the candlelight.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to
the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

*If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Bet you were still thinking Benedict was undressing Veronica..????

I was actually thinking about the market in Panjim. 

An amazing place in the 70's.

Joke was ok by the way. ????

.

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

.

The other side of his briefcase says he is from the ministry of stupid questions. 

1 hour ago, billd766 said:

The other side of his briefcase says he is from the ministry of stupid questions. 

And on the inside it says  "Presented to ...............(MP)."   "From (insert University of your choice)!

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork at a higher plane. I thought I had it nailed but nobody saw it at my level and in the end I branched out and founded a splinter group who only saw dust at the end and screwed the hole idea.

 It really is a knotty problem which my panel just could not find a common plank to agree on.

Would anyone care to add anything to shore up my comments!

12 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Men in their 20's play football.......

Men in their 40's play tennis......

Men in their 60's play golf........

Have you noticed that as you get older...... your balls get smaller.

 ... until you lose your marbles

15 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

.