Did you hear that Rudolph and Dasher got sponsored by a coffee company this year? 
It actually makes sense, because they’re Santa’s Star Bucks and don’t Costa lot!.
 

Just popped into the library and asked for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian said, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

If you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
Especially if you're prone to rolling over in your sleep.

I can't seem to finish my autobiography
Story of my life

I got a new job with the Samaritans last week.

I tried to phone in sick this morning, but they kept talking me out of it.

Did you know, Andy Murray carries around in his racket bag a small old man for good luck!

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. 

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! 

If he does, you're finished.' 

 

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement. 

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. 

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. 

 

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. 

 

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. 

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a  cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. 

 

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. 

 

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' 

 

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. 

 

I had nothing to lose, so with the last ounce of my strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' 

 

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own ba11s'.

Would you believe it, they’ve cancelled my last anger management session without telling me!

I’ve never been so mildly irritated in my life...

Found on the side of the road. Anyone missing them?

 

2 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

Found on the side of the road. Anyone missing them?

 

 

Reminds me of the joke where the guy needed somewhere to park his bike!

ta ta ta taaaaaaa