30 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

I was at one of the big Changi water treatment plant jobsites. They had a huge safety display board with all the safety/employee/material/hours stats. The one that caught my eye was "Only [2] Fatalities" 

 

Two fatalities may have been pretty good for a job that size, but the "Only" seemed a bit cavalier...

This policeman walked up to me with his sniffer dog & said: 
"This dog tells me you're on drugs!" 
I said, "Oh Yeh!!I'm on drugs? You're the one listening  to a dog."
                         
 

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: 
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer." 
Wife texts back 10 minutes later "Computer really messed up now."
 

Doctor's have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering even many decades after it has been eaten. 
It's called Wedding Cake

I Asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sitting next to a crying and smelly baby. But I was refused and told to stay where I was

 Apparently that isn’t allowed if the baby is yours.
 

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death you useless good for nothing big Oaf
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to bleedin stay."
 

Boss: Do you believe in after life?
Employee: Certainly not. There is no proof of it! 
Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you!
 

I saw a car with a decal saying:
“I am a vet. Therefore I can drive like an animal.” 
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists' there are on the roads.
 

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
The husband, put "MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was an error message,

 

"Error. 356 --Too weak and not long enough."
 

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

Who is Joe and where is he now????

2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Not only in the Olympic games ,a friend told me.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. One of them has a large Rottweiler. She peers over at the other and asks “What are you in for?”

The second has a tiny Terrier. She looks up abruptly and replies "Rosco here gets so excited when the mail is delivered. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. I can’t do anything with him in that state, so I’m having him fixed. How about you?”

The first lady snaps back “Oh my! I have the same issue with Brutus here! When I go out to get the paper, as soon as I bend down he’s all over me!”

“Oh, you’re getting him fixed then?”

“No, I’m getting his nails trimmed…”

A couple have a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.
That night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins to snore as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
The next night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

The bank meeting didn't go too well, so now I'm applying for a job at Citroen.

I have to send in 2CVs.