I saw a man in my GP's surgery, crying bitterly.
I asked what was wrong, and he said:
"I have to take a tablet daily for the rest of my life."
"Is that all?" - I scoffed - "One tablet! That's no burden!".
"I know; but he's only prescribed three!"

People who like having their photos taken in natural light
should be taken outside and shot.

I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn't do it anymore.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

“Oh, come on in,” Peggy Sue's mother said, as she welcomed Fred in. “Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink, lemonade, tea? ”

“Tea, please,” Fred said. Mum brought the tea.
“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar. Maybe take a walk on the beach.”
“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mum informed him.

“Really?” Fred replied; eyebrows raised.

“Oh yes,” mother continued, “When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!”
“Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.
“Yes,” said the mother. ”As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!”
“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred. “Have fun, kids!” mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The bloody dance is called the...Twist!”

I bought a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.......

cost me heaps..... but he chewed it a lot.......

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place.

A hospital spokesperson said,

"The operation was a success and the man can hear,

though he's experiencing a lot of crackling!"

It's always flattering to be told you have a nice ar5e

Unless it's during a prostate examination.

 

 

4 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Why not?

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

 

The Instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "| gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".

1 hour ago, ravip said:

After a pause, the instructor added, "| gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".

And while the car was still running!

(just like his breathing patients)

1 hour ago, fangless said:

And while the car was still running!

(just like his breathing patients)

Or not breathing!

????