uk specific 

more uk specific 

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While sunning himself in the Bahamas, a wealthy English businessman received a telegram from his butler, which read simply: ‘Cat dead.’ Distraught at the loss of his beloved pet, the businessman cut short his holiday and returned home. After giving the cat a decent burial in the garden, he remonstrated with his butler for the cold-hearted nature of the telegram. 

 ‘You should break bad news gently,’ he said. ‘If I had been telling you that your cat had died, I would have sent a telegram saying: “The cat’s on the roof and can’t get down.” Then a few hours later I would have sent another telegram, saying: “The cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt.” Finally, a couple of hours after that, I would have sent a third telegram, saying: “The cat has sadly passed away.” That way, you would have been gradually prepared for the bad news and would have been able to deal with it better.’ 

 ‘I understand, sir,’ said the butler. ‘I will bear that in mind in future.’ 

 With that, the businessman booked another ticket to the Bahamas and resumed his holiday. 
 Two days later, he received another telegram from his butler. It read:

 

‘Your mother’s on the roof and can’t get down.’ 
 

 ‘How was your blind date?’ a college student asked her twenty-one year-old roommate. 
 ‘Terrible!’ she moaned.

‘He showed up in his 1947 Rolls-Royce.’

‘Wow! That’s a very expensive and great old car.

What’s so bad about that?’ 

 ‘He is the original owner.’ 

 A young couple parked in a lovers’ lane.

‘It’s lovely out here tonight,’ she sighed romantically.

‘It’s so quiet and peaceful.

Just listen to the crickets.’ 
 ‘They’re not crickets,’ replied her boyfriend.

 

‘They’re zippers and bra straps.’ 
 

What do you get when you cross:- The moon with a monk?

A nocturnal habit. 
 

What’s more dangerous than being with a fool? -

Fooling with a bee. 
 

What was going through the mind of the first person ever to pull on a cow’s udder?
 

Work place drugs tests just take the p1ss.

Albino.
You can't say fairer than that.