1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

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My welcome mat lies outside my door all day.

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

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Victor Noir grave at the Père Lachaise cemetery in Paris.

A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, punched the barman and smashed all the glasses, then left without paying. Now that’s how to have a good time."

A month or two later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and all his front teeth missing.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I did what you did!” replied the boy. “I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, punched the barman and smashed all the glasses. But, when I tried to leave without paying I got the <deleted> beaten out of me!"

"Huh,” replied the granddad, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends. Why, who did you go with?"

"The SS."

A man goes onto an Antiques Roadshow with a violin and a painting he found in his attic.

 

"Very interesting." says the antiques expert. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful - I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, sir." replies the expert - "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius couldn't paint to save his life."

10 hours ago, ballpoint said:

@VocalNeal

 

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

With all these months of lockdowns and staying at home I've had plenty of time to catch up on all the household repairs and maintenance that I neglected.

 

Haven't done any of it, but definitely had the time.

Just as I was rushing out to work a loft insulation salesman was about to knock at my door.

 

I told him I was in a hurry, so he would have to speak to my wife.

 

I phoned her later but she said "I can't speak now I'm getting felt up in the attic".

They say "dare to live"

"Try anything"

Believe me,you do not want to take a laxative and sleeping pills at the same time.

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

@fangless

 

36 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

@fangless

 

My report card;

Music knowledge - Z Minus!

 

 

 LIFE  BEFORE THE COMPUTER    ...
--------------------------------------
Memory was something that you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out
 

After being married  for thirty  years,  a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J., K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?" 
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, hat's. so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The  swelling in  his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.
 

What do you get when you cross:- A bank and a skunk?

Dollars and scents. 
 

What bird can lift the most?

- A crane. 
 

Chat-up Line:- • Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend and more if required. 
 

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