My golf instructor said that I need to practice my follow-through.

 

I asked him if my club angle was wrong.

 

He said "No, you've got s**t down the back of your trousers"

 Airline Pilots’ Rulebook: 
 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 
 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, in which case they get bigger again. 
 3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous. 
 4. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. 
 5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating. 
 6. When in doubt, maintain your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 
 7. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 
 8. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 
 9. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is screaming from the passenger compartment, things are not as they should be. 
 10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 
 11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 
 12. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal. 
 13. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 
 14. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots. 
 15. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you’ve made. 
 

Two nuclear physicists got married recently.

The ceremony was beautiful -

She was absolutely radiant,

and

He was glowing too.

Even the bridesmaids shone. 
 

An old British Navy sailor and a retired US marine were chatting about who had experienced the tougher career. 
 The marine declared proudly: ‘I did thirty years in the corps and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. 
 ‘As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by 
 bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 
 ‘Finally, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We ploughed through the mud and razor grass for fourteen hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!’ 

 ‘Oh,’ said the sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, ‘all shore duty, huh?’ 
 

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser.

He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The following day the preacher gave him 10. By the end of the week, the young man broke the church's all time record for the highest sale of bibles.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occured. He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man's secret.

So the preacher asked the man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,

 

"I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them."
 

What’s light, white, and sweet and hangs from trees? -

A meringue-utan. 
 

Chat-up Line:-

My biology teacher told me that the lips are the most sensitive part of my body, wanna find out if she was right?
 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

I can see that you’re nobody’s fool.

Let’s see if we can get someone to adopt you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Little known fact:

The crowbar was invented in France in 1748.

Before that crows had to drink at home.

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence it may be because of the neighbours  leaking septic tank.