Thai wife doesn’t really want divorce after affairs...

[Tagged]

When a realtionship have more disadvantages than benefits, it is time to let it go! Love is real when two people have lived trough all their challanges and problems, and still can sit and hold hands, and enjoy their company together as partners and lovers. But, I kicked out my wife on the same day I did find out she cheated on me, even the marriage already was in a dead end. I finely got a good reason to do so. 

 

a fling or two can be accepted ounder the right circumstances if there is anything or any reason you could accept and still feel you could forgive and accept what happend. 

 

Still impressed how long and detailed some manage to write about their problems here at TV, and not even a native english spoken. 

 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

Why are all these newbie posts so long?

Just write in a few sentences what you want. Then you can still add three pages of additional information below that.

[Tanoshi]

@alexis80

Sent a PM.

[Tanoshi]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Why are all these newbie posts so long?

Just write in a few sentences what you want. Then you can still add three pages of additional information below that.

For the same reason members post when they have nothing useful to contribute.

Edited February 13, 2021 by Tanoshi

[rumak]

5 hours ago, Tarteso said:

It is clear that it is destroying your life and it is affecting your children.

 

have no compassion for her.  she is playing with you for long time ago and have no mercy for her, don't give her any more options, she will try to play with you and take advantage of your good heart.

 

 Take her out of your life asap and be firm.  

 

You should talk to your lawyer and take care of your children with the help of your family.

 

Alexis !!   everyone here is basically trying to tell you  that it is finished.  Your answers show you are in denial,  though you make excuses about why.   

The answer from Tarteso is the most blunt and direct .   I believe it is also the most correct one .

Any indecision you have is just going to prolong the inevitable.........  and delay getting on with building another better life for yourself and kids.   period

 

[connda]

Thai wife doesn’t really want divorce after affairs...
"she told me she would like to stay married but just be free, she would like nobody to know about us being separated, she would come to stay here with the kids every week for a few days."

Well of course not.  She has a steady flow of farang income plus and endless supply of boy-toys. And she'd make you a tool.

You're not in Thailand where divorce is difficult if both parties don't agree.  You are in Italy.  Work with you lawyer and end it son.  Take your children back, take your life back, and move on.  I've been there and have done that.  It's not fun but it is the best path forward for both you and your children.  Best wishes.

 

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by connda

[4MyEgo]

7 hours ago, alexis80 said:

Hi all, I am Alex and I am 40 years old.  I need some advice maybe someone has gone thru a similar problem to mine.

 

Hello Alex, I and most TVF members here from what I have read, hearts go out to you.

 

From what I have read, and in my opinion, you are a big enough man to forgive here with her extra marital affairs, that said, that is not the root cause here, it is the children and her lack of wanting to see them, this is totally unexpectable, even to want to take one and leave the other shows her mind is not that of a sane person IMO, my wife has a friend going through the same situation, i.e. she was playing up behind the husbands back and when caught out, wanted to split the kids, after first not wanting the kids.

 

I don't want to say anything about your wife as I don't know her character, but you really have to ask yourself something else, i.e. did this really only happen recently, I mean her recent meeting with other Thai girls, was that the start. I say that because your wife certainly had a lot of free travel time or being left alone in Italy while you were away, and my guess, sorry to say is she has been at it for a while, this is only my opinion, and I say this because I have seen this played before many many times before. They have dual sims or even two mobiles.

 

I am not saying that your wife didn't love you, but her character is that of one who wants more, you offered her security, probably more than what she had back in Thailand, albeit you stated she comes from a well off family, ever heard the saying; a dog doesn't change it's spots, coming from a good family means squat, my x f'd me over, and was from a good family, my "bargirl" wife of 14 years is not only loyal to me, but puts the kids 1st, that's how it should be, albeit she has hinted that if we ever split up, I take the kids, and she will follow ????

 

Look at it this way, she didn't only betray you by having sex with others, and most of us would be big enough to get over that and give them a second chance, i.e. we all stray, albeit my relationship with my wife is different to 90% of marriages, i.e. she knows I stray when I feel like it, I just don't throw it in her face and she accepted who I was before we moved forward with our relationship, then marriage. Enough about me, but just to put you in the loop, no betrayal here, man enough to remove the element that destroys most relationships by being upfront and her being able to accept it.

 

The thing that concerns me the most is the fact that she is not there for the kids, I mean you and I would die for our kids as opposed to be <deleted> around, i.e. kids come first, they need their parents, to feel secure and most of all to feel loved.

 

Get away from her as fast as you can, time will heal you and the kids, for now and the future, it's daddy and Nona, don't ever put the ex to be down, secure the villa, even if that means selling it, because she could come after the money as my wife's friend is doing, even going after his parents property as she lived there and took care of them.

 

Best of luck to you, the kids and your mum.

 

 

[alexis80]

5 hours ago, Dart12 said:

If you have ways to dry up her money and income, she'll be back, in need, and start looking at you differently again.

For some, it can be a one time (not short amount of time), aberation.  The only thing is...could you pack it away and store it in the recesses of your thoughts so it didn't affect your life with her again.

One month, might still seem like a vacation to her.  Maybe I'm different, but how can you love kids and then just ghost them?  She might snap out of it.  But not if she can afford to keep doing what she is doing.

As others said, the easiest thing to do is to cut her off from your life completely.  She doesn't care.  No contact? the quicker you can move on.  
And whether you want to date again or not...getting other romantic oriented people back into your life will help you move on quicker.  Otherwise you'll keep not sleeping the way you are, every thought going towards her.

BTW, why haven't you talked with her parents about this yet?  You said they are good people.  Sometimes family can smack some sense into someone.

Sorry to hear your situation.  Goodluck in whatever direction you decide to take.

I can’t speak Thai so I was unable to talk to her mom, she also sustains her mom already knows but I really doubt it or at least I doubt she told her the truth, I did try to contact a cousin of hers and explain everything but also the cousin doesn’t speak good English. She initially said she would call her and talk to her but after she stopped responding, my guess is she complained to the cousin I was bleeding her dry of money ...

[jvs]

Alex in my eyes you are still a young man,young enough to start over,you have a good job,keep that.

Offer her the whole house in exchange for full custody and make her sign a paper that says you will not have to pay her allimony.Tell her she is still young enough to remarry and be happy, and walk away from her!

You are in denial!Dump her!

Make a clean cut and start over!In a few years she will be nothing but a bad memory.

If you keep dealing with her the misery will never end!

I have been there,done that and i am soooo happy i left it all behind!

 

[alexis80]

2 hours ago, Captain Monday said:

Your wife using flight benefits in furtherance of a business is unethical and against airline policy.

Not that much wrong with doing a bit of personal shopping but it puts the benefit at risk for everyone and in the US every few years they talk about taxing it as income. You should  be subject to some sanctions up to and including termination of employment.  Handbags? No wonder your having  with such a person.

You are a great father. Dump her. Take care of your kids, need to seek full custody and the mother who is not even doing the minimum should get the minimum = Limited visitation.

 

I used to see Thai people at lined up at the Apple store in Tokyo buying armfuls of iPhones, Thai customs put the kibosh on that. Some flight attendants got nabbed for the handbags. It is smuggling, tax evasion and plane wrong.

 

 

It’s true, that’s why I begged her not to do it, when she was bringing just food it was ok, the main reason for her travels was actually to go to Thai to see her friends and family and bringing back some green papaya or dried food to seek was ok, many of my colleagues do this and it’s never been a problem also with customs here in Italy... however when she started with the bags things got a lot more serious and I begged her to stop, she wouldn’t but then the pandemic came and she couldn’t do it anymore either... 

[alexis80]

5 hours ago, ICELANDMAN said:

As far as I know in Italy in the event of a divorce you would have to pay her alimony, so in addition to the betrayal of your wife you should also endure the joke of having to keep her. I advise you to see if in your country of origin what the law provides and to see if you can get out of this situation with a divorce which at this point is inevitable even if your wife objects, it is important that you have proof of her infidelity, so I advise you to move carefully with the law and to inform yourself well before proceeding with the divorce. If you have any proof of her unfaithfulness, the judge will only give you the guardianship of your children. I strongly advise you not to come to terms with your wife, follow the law which in this case totally protects you. Her proposal to continue as before shows that unfortunately she has changed as you say with bad company, you only feel your good memories of her and now is the time for you to find a new life and a new companion for your childrens. Best wishes for your future.

The lawyer told me it’s no longer the case also in Italy, I have plenty of proof she was cheating, borderline prostitution so I would probably don’t have to pay anything her even if divorcing here I. Italy... but the divorce process is very long and slow, she would get anyway 50% of the villa and probably shared custody of the kids... the later is what scares me most as I think she would used them as tools to get things from me ...

[alexis80]

4 hours ago, Andy from Kent said:

It sounds like she wants what's called an "open marriage".      

 

Can you approach things from that perspective?

 

 No, unfortunately I can’t, I think it would be toxic but then like I said before ... I think many people do it for the kids, however I was in a very big doubt whether to post this stuff on a open forum... I don’t  really like washing my clothes in public and there is the risk of some recognizing me from this post, but sei g the great support and the fact that everyone agrees is a lost cause, actually helped a little 

[stephenterry]

Let Covid19 run its course, and ensure you are vaccinated, maybe also the children. I suggest you will not be able to resolve your predicament with your wife until it becomes clear that your job is safe and ongoing - and the world is returning to a level of continued normality as pre Covid.

 

At that point you should have an upper hand on any negotiations that could take place. Aim to cool down in the meantime, keep contact to the minimum, and don't get involved in anything relating to your marriage unless it's a slam dunk divorce reality with your possession of the children.

 

In other words, lock-down your self, banish any visitors  including your wife, and help your children grow up in your happy and loving atmosphere. 

 

is that feasible? If not, use it as a draft plan to be amended as you see fit.

 

 

[alexis80]

54 minutes ago, jvs said:

Alex in my eyes you are still a young man,young enough to start over,you have a good job,keep that.

Offer her the whole house in exchange for full custody and make her sign a paper that says you will not have to pay her allimony.Tell her she is still young enough to remarry and be happy, and walk away from her!

You are in denial!Dump her!

Make a clean cut and start over!In a few years she will be nothing but a bad memory.

If you keep dealing with her the misery will never end!

I have been there,done that and i am soooo happy i left it all behind!

 

That was my first reaction, to give her all the house in exchange for the kids however the lawyer advised against in as she could move in the new house and even if she signs a documents giving me full custody... once she has a house to live in she could later ask that the previously signed document is declared void and eventually she could get to keep the house as well as shared custody of the kids despite signing to give them up in the first place... it’s a complicated legal mess ... that’s why the lawyer advised on a voluntary deal 

[ICELANDMAN]

1 hour ago, alexis80 said:

The lawyer told me it’s no longer the case also in Italy, I have plenty of proof she was cheating, borderline prostitution so I would probably don’t have to pay anything her even if divorcing here I. Italy... but the divorce process is very long and slow, she would get anyway 50% of the villa and probably shared custody of the kids... the later is what scares me most as I think she would used them as tools to get things from me ...

 

So it is good that they have changed the law on divorce, so looking at the law in Italy I would not have many choices than to proceed with the divorce and from what I read on the link I sent you, if your wife has left the house you are automatically recognized the best parent to foster the children and your ex-wife will have to contribute to their expenses, it will be a slow process but the most important is to have as much time as possible with your children but you must convince yourself that the mother will always have the right by law to to see his children, conceal is inevitable. Unfortunately you will continue to be linked with your children until they are of age and therefore it is impossible to expect to take care of the children only you, the law in many European countries is very clear on this concept.

 

http://www.separazione-divorzio.com/divorzio_affidamento_figli.php

[alexis80]

7 minutes ago, ICELANDMAN said:

 

So it is good that they have changed the law on divorce, so looking at the law in Italy I would not have many choices than to proceed with the divorce and from what I read on the link I sent you, if your wife has left the house you are automatically recognized the best parent to foster the children and your ex-wife will have to contribute to their expenses, it will be a slow process but the most important is to have as much time as possible with your children but you must convince yourself that the mother will always have the right by law to to see his children, conceal is inevitable. Unfortunately you will continue to be linked with your children until they are of age and therefore it is impossible to expect to take care of the children only you, the law in many European countries is very clear on this concept.

 

http://www.separazione-divorzio.com/divorzio_affidamento_figli.php

That’s exactly the point, It’s almost impossible to get full custody of the kids and I think she knows this as well, she will use them long term to annoy me, she even told me she knows she will loose the lawsuit but I can’t get anything from her as she doesn’t have anything legally here in Italy while she can continue screwing around with our life...

[rumak]

Reading this story and admissions from some "been there and lost the T shirt " members..........

Is it any doubt why i always take the opposite approach of Nike 

 

"Just don't do it !  "             ( marriage, that is )

 

but like others i came through it .... and life goes on ( much better now  ????

[phetphet]

I feel sorry for you being in such a situation and I hope that you get things sorted out as soon as possible. 

Would your wife lose the ability to stasy in Italy if you divorced? Perhaps that is why she is reluctant to do so.

 

 

[alexis80]

2 minutes ago, phetphet said:

I feel sorry for you being in such a situation and I hope that you get things sorted out as soon as possible. 

Would your wife lose the ability to stasy in Italy if you divorced? Perhaps that is why she is reluctant to do so.

 

 

No she wont, she stayed here more than 5 years and gained permanent residence from what I understood, also she can apply anytime for residence based on the fact her kids are borne in Italy, so I don't think that's the reason... more like shame in front of her parents, family and friends whom I know many of and are decent, hard working people and won't condone her behavior...

[BritManToo]

19 minutes ago, alexis80 said:

more like shame in front of her parents, family and friends whom I know many of and are decent, hard working people and won't condone her behavior...

That's extremely unlikely, usually her friends and family know she's playing away from the start.

Remember, they aren't your friends and they will never be your family, they have no loyalty to you (or love for  you).

 

 

[KhaoYai]

Using Tinder to pre plan her affairs is not the same as 'meeting someone at work' -  neither are good but she went out looking for it. Divorce is the only answer.

[sweatalot]

Very hard situation for you. I feel sorry, had a similar experience long time ago. I think you feel the truth and  know what to do but you are also afraid of it. Not doing anything makes your situation not easier.

 

I could understand if  you are still looking for a happy solution - which is unlikely unfortunately. After you made a clear and honest decision the pressure will be gone and unexpected wonderful things that you can't imagine now  might happen later - bringing you and the children happiness again. My experience.

 

But take care that she doesn't kidnapp the kids and disappear.

Edited February 13, 2021 by sweatalot

[KhaoYai]

10 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Remember, they aren't your friends and they will never be your family, they have no loyalty to you (or love for  you).

I know where you're coming from on that but I had a very good relationship with my ex mother in law and still do. She still keeps in touch and we meet up if I'm visiting Bangkok.  She goes out of her way to offer me lifts to and from the airport etc.  She also knows her daughter was a b&tch but she'd never admit it to anyone else. She was always a really nice, hard working woman when I was married to her daughter and remains so.

 

I can't be the only one, surely?

[Dart12]

Do you still have access to her social media and dating accounts?

 

[alexis80]

3 hours ago, Dart12 said:

Do you still have access to her social media and dating accounts?

 

No, I gave her back her laptop when she came to take her stuff and she had all accounts on her laptop... the only reason I catch her was that we had family shared iCloud subscription and I saw by mistake her iPhone wasn’t where was supposed to be (I couldn’t Find my iPad because the kids hide it and I was using find my phone to see if we forgot it at the villa that day instead I found out the iPad was actually home but my wife’s iPhone wasn’t where she was supposed to be...) After that I just opened her laptop and found all her Instagram chats, she was picking guys on Tinder and continued conversation on Instagram, telegram or WhatsApp (I never had access to the telegram or WhatsApp), I did have access to her Facebook as she had her account on my computer as well but later she changed the password not before I saw her chat with one of her “friends” where she was explaining in great details how scary Italians are, and talking about various guys, showing photos and making comments which one was the best... The nice thing is when she finely realized I catch her because of the iCloud, she changed the password, locking on iCloud  also the kids iPad that was on her account, she since said she forgot the new password and can’t unlock anymore the kids iPad so now I had to buy a new one for them ... 

[Mike Rodik]

possible her trips to thailand were ... to her thai lovers ...  who knows at this point...

[Orton Rd]

I would still paternity tests, the kids are definitely hers, not necessarily yours given the evidence of her devious conduct.

[DoneTravelling]

On 2/13/2021 at 6:09 AM, alexis80 said:

Thank you, I know what you are saying, that’s what all my friends and family told me as well... but I am thinking maybe I am selfish... maybe if she wants to come back I should let her for the kids sake... anyhow at the moment she doesn’t show any sign of remorse or wanting to come back... I think she just doesn’t want the divorce but not thinking of coming back either ...

Mate, I have been there and done that. Put the final nail in the coffin and move on.

Of course she does not want a divorce and lose her cash cow. She is waiting for you to kick the bucket then claim what is left.

[Pravda]

You say she loved you once, but she never did. People who love don't change. 

 

If you need to educate yourself about love look at your parents. Chances are they never betrayed you, caused you long term harm or financial loss. 

 

 

[BritManToo]

On 2/13/2021 at 8:04 PM, KhaoYai said:

Using Tinder to pre plan her affairs is not the same as 'meeting someone at work'

Did you mean 'using Tinder to find customers'?