Isn't it a sign of reaching maturity.?

 

 

36 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

Yes, it depends. In America it is very common for men to feel guilt over an indiscretion. I have seen relationships ruined over the "guys need to get it off his chest". In reality, it is often a guilt brought on by a baked in "false puritanism" created by a warped sense of religion and spirituality. 

 

Often, guilt is NOT a healthy emotion, and often the need to confess is an incredibly selfish and unproductive notion. 

In some senses you are right about not  NEEDING to tell a truth, especially one that you know would hurt and it is known only to you and cannot ever be discovered. But I would never tell a lie to conceal a truth. If I am asked a direct question, then I answer with the truth.  It is perfectly natural to feel guilt, particularly if you ARE. And again you are right not to be puritanical about how you deal with that!

 

But there is a danger, as happens here in Thailand a lot: 'I lie to you because the truth will hurt you'. This is a definite excuse and somehow justifies an absolving of one's responsibility to deny or face the facts of a case. So my saying earlier, changes a little to: "Better the truth today that hurts than the discovered lie tomorrow that double hurts".

 

When it comes to telling a "truth", that doesn't want to be told or heard, it is both parties involved that need to be strong, but I accept, that is not easy.

3 minutes ago, ChrisKC said:

In some senses you are right about not  NEEDING to tell a truth, especially one that you know would hurt and it is known only to you and cannot ever be discovered. But I would never tell a lie to conceal a truth. If I am asked a direct question, then I answer with the truth.  It is perfectly natural to feel guilt, particularly if you ARE. And again you are right not to be puritanical about how you deal with that!

 

But there is a danger, as happens here in Thailand a lot: 'I lie to you because the truth will hurt you'. This is a definite excuse and somehow justifies an absolving of one's responsibility to deny or face the facts of a case. So my saying earlier, changes a little to: "Better the truth today that hurts than the discovered lie tomorrow that double hurts".

 

When it comes to telling a "truth", that doesn't want to be told or heard, it is both parties involved that need to be strong, but I accept, that is not easy.

 

Just do what the Thais do, only tell the truth as and when it suits you, and at any other times just lie through your teeth to save face. When in Rome....

 

If my wife asks me why it took 2 hours to go and buy groceries, I will tell her that the bike had a flat tire and I had to push it to the garage, she doesn't need to know what I was doing at the local resort. Fight fire with fire.

On 3/4/2021 at 2:54 AM, Dazinoz said:

Much the same for me. Had kid at 61, he died but was revived at 6 weeks and suffered brain damage. As a result mum didn't want him. I could not afford his medical expenses so now he is in Australia in adoption with a lovely foster mum. Plus the way his mum screwed me literally and figuratively has made me an angry man. I honestly don't think I will recover.

 

I really feel for your situation, I do recall you posting on TVS before when your partner was pregnant and you were looking at getting her back to Australia or having the baby here, she wasn't Thai, I think she was from Laos or Myanmar if memory serves me correct.

 

Life is a journey and we learn in life as I have, i.e. that we never really know our partners, whether they be our girlfriends or our wives, I mean we think we know them as best we can, and we learn to trust them, after all, this is what relationships are all about right ?

 

I also learned that women are thinkers, planners and calculate what their potential future worth could be, after all they know tomorrow could come and they would want to be better off than they were when they came into the relationship right, makes sense, it's kind of a like business transaction for some, if I can put it that way.

 

Things don't always go to plan and when things don't always go to plan, we get hurt, but we have the right not to own that hurt, so I chose not to hold onto that hurt, easier said than done, it helps me heal much quicker, you know, to get back on the horse that threw me off.

 

I also learned to forgive people for their letting me down, again its easier than holding onto the hurt, anger, e.g. I chose to forgive my ex for wanting to abort our child after we planned to have kids after a decade of marriage, and for her falling out of love with me, also for trying to stake a claim on properties that I had before our marriage which failed due to me having them in a company which my late brother owned.

 

Choosing to learn and appreciate the things in life that effected my mates when their marriages went to $hit, and plan so as not to be in a similar situation if and when my relationship/s would falter, meaning not having assets in my name so that they couldn't put a claim any of them. It's kind of weird, but also very pleasing, actually kind of victorious to see the hurt in their eyes when they fail at their attempts, the hurt is all theirs now.

 

I suppose what I am trying to say is if we hold onto the hurt, the anger or the betrayal, it will eat at our core, it will make us bitter and make us miss out on this short life, so best forgive and not forget, but learn from the experience as bad as it hurt you.

 

We have to learn to cope from the let downs in life and grow, also to become thinkers and planners and do our calculations best we can, which will leave us in less vulnerable situations next time, we hope, suffice to say, if someone threw a ball at me today out of anger, I would just drop it and walk away as I did back then, meaning I wasn't going to play the game.

 

Your still young at 61 you can still find a partner, albeit it, you will probably want to forget about having any kids at that age unless you want to become a grumpy old man, being with someone to share your life also helps you to focus on the now and the future together.

41 minutes ago, BenDeCosta said:

 

Just do what the Thais do, only tell the truth as and when it suits you, and at any other times just lie through your teeth to save face. When in Rome....

 

If my wife asks me why it took 2 hours to go and buy groceries, I will tell her that the bike had a flat tire and I had to push it to the garage, she doesn't need to know what I was doing at the local resort. Fight fire with fire.

When in Rome....

 

or Thailand or any country, I don't pretend one thing while knowing it it is another.

 

The truth is easy when you have nothing to hide.

 

One thing about me is that I can be trusted and it is a great feeling to BE trusted.

1 minute ago, ChrisKC said:

When in Rome....

 

or Thailand or any country, I don't pretend one thing while knowing it it is another.

 

The truth is easy when you have nothing to hide.

 

One thing about me is that I can be trusted and it is a great feeling to BE trusted.

 

Give it a few years, I used to have the same opinion.

3 minutes ago, BenDeCosta said:

 

Give it a few years, I used to have the same opinion.

It has been the same fact and part of my philosophy of life, not opinion, for me for over 50 years: If anyone is ever suspicious of me I will always be one up on them as I wont have done anything!

21 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

 

I really feel for your situation, I do recall you posting on TVS before when your partner was pregnant and you were looking at getting her back to Australia or having the baby here, she wasn't Thai, I think she was from Laos or Myanmar if memory serves me correct.

 

Life is a journey and we learn in life as I have, i.e. that we never really know our partners, whether they be our girlfriends or our wives, I mean we think we know them as best we can, and we learn to trust them, after all, this is what relationships are all about right ?

 

I also learned that women are thinkers, planners and calculate what their potential future worth could be, after all they know tomorrow could come and they would want to be better off than they were when they came into the relationship right, makes sense, it's kind of a like business transaction for some, if I can put it that way.

 

Things don't always go to plan and when things don't always go to plan, we get hurt, but we have the right not to own that hurt, so I chose not to hold onto that hurt, easier said than done, it helps me heal much quicker, you know, to get back on the horse that threw me off.

 

I also learned to forgive people for their letting me down, again its easier than holding onto the hurt, anger, e.g. I chose to forgive my ex for wanting to abort our child after we planned to have kids after a decade of marriage, and for her falling out of love with me, also for trying to stake a claim on properties that I had before our marriage which failed due to me having them in a company which my late brother owned.

 

Choosing to learn and appreciate the things in life that effected my mates when their marriages went to $hit, and plan so as not to be in a similar situation if and when my relationship/s would falter, meaning not having assets in my name so that they couldn't put a claim any of them. It's kind of weird, but also very pleasing, actually kind of victorious to see the hurt in their eyes when they fail at their attempts, the hurt is all theirs now.

 

I suppose what I am trying to say is if we hold onto the hurt, the anger or the betrayal, it will eat at our core, it will make us bitter and make us miss out on this short life, so best forgive and not forget, but learn from the experience as bad as it hurt you.

 

We have to learn to cope from the let downs in life and grow, also to become thinkers and planners and do our calculations best we can, which will leave us in less vulnerable situations next time, we hope, suffice to say, if someone threw a ball at me today out of anger, I would just drop it and walk away as I did back then, meaning I wasn't going to play the game.

 

Your still young at 61 you can still find a partner, albeit it, you will probably want to forget about having any kids at that age unless you want to become a grumpy old man, being with someone to share your life also helps you to focus on the now and the future together.

Thank you for the great words.

 

I stayed friends with mum (btw from Myanmar) for some time. Then she decided she wanted to try a young man which she did. She expected me to sit on the sideline and wait. She was extremely upset when I met a new lady. Just recently she has realised what she lost. I am not bragging but I did look after her. She has been trying to get back with me.

 

My new lady was very different, so I thought. Turns out she is not much different. Just a money grab but I guess what can I expect me at 65 and her at a beautiful 30. She went home to Isaan for 6 weeks for Songkran and very different since she come back. I think she has someone else and I am part of the plan to finance up. At the moment with the closures of everything she is company for me. But I think if she goes home again I will disappear. I brought my dog from Australia, and as stupid as it may sound, she has been the most loyal to me. After she is gone, and I can, I will be back to Oz.

8 minutes ago, ChrisKC said:

It has been the same fact and part of my philosophy of life, not opinion, for me for over 50 years: If anyone is ever suspicious of me I will always be one up on them as I wont have done anything!

 

Indeed, I was always taught not to lie when I grew up in the West. It's just common decency.

 

When I came to Thailand as a young man for the first time, I believed everything I was told, but quickly figured out that lying is the norm here. I've got dozens of stories about being told a massive load of BS, but it's late, I can't be bothered to type it. 

 

Now I just assume that the locals are lying to me, and that serves me very well. I went into a Mr DIY looking for a star-type screwdriver, so I approached an employee who instantly told me that they didn't have it. Surprise, surprise, I looked around the shop and found it. 

 

Lying is the norm here, but when it's done to avoid embarrassment, it's considered acceptable.

Nothing wrong with your thoughts mate, been here year's and married for 10, if I was single I would be happy doing the same.

 

6 minutes ago, BenDeCosta said:

 

Indeed, I was always taught not to lie when I grew up in the West. It's just common decency.

 

When I came to Thailand as a young man for the first time, I believed everything I was told, but quickly figured out that lying is the norm here. I've got dozens of stories about being told a massive load of BS, but it's late, I can't be bothered to type it. 

 

Now I just assume that the locals are lying to me, and that serves me very well. I went into a Mr DIY looking for a star-type screwdriver, so I approached an employee who instantly told me that they didn't have it. Surprise, surprise, I looked around the shop and found it. 

 

Lying is the norm here, but when it's done to avoid embarrassment, it's considered acceptable.

Whenever I was looking for a new partner after being separated from my English wife of 40 years, I told them, "I will never lie to you" that is my promise! Two previous relationships failed in Thailand because of their violence or continuous gambling while lying about these matters . I had to leave both of them and both have since asked me to go back. But I left for good reason; my promise to them was not met with the same so my situation was no longer negotiable. I could never love either of them and marriage would never be an option.

 

When I met my current partner, we arrived together, both stating we would never marry again, we changed our mind after only a few months when it became very clear to each other we would be compatible. We married in June 2018 and we have never looked back.

I have been searching for real love, that includes total trust in each other. We both think we are for each other for ever. My promise to her is the same as others, I will never lie to her.

And I will never do anything that spoils the happiness and new confidence we have created - together.

On 3/1/2021 at 7:40 PM, georgegeorgia said:

I don't know if it's the isolation that I have become used to with covid ( living by myself) or changing with age / time .

But my attitude to people and life have changed .

It's called wisdom... it comes with age.

11 hours ago, Dazinoz said:

Thank you for the great words.

 

I stayed friends with mum (btw from Myanmar) for some time. Then she decided she wanted to try a young man which she did. She expected me to sit on the sideline and wait. She was extremely upset when I met a new lady. Just recently she has realised what she lost. I am not bragging but I did look after her. She has been trying to get back with me.

 

My new lady was very different, so I thought. Turns out she is not much different. Just a money grab but I guess what can I expect me at 65 and her at a beautiful 30. She went home to Isaan for 6 weeks for Songkran and very different since she come back. I think she has someone else and I am part of the plan to finance up. At the moment with the closures of everything she is company for me. But I think if she goes home again I will disappear. I brought my dog from Australia, and as stupid as it may sound, she has been the most loyal to me. After she is gone, and I can, I will be back to Oz.

About the dog

Until I met my wife (I didn't marry till I was 64) I used to say that I divided my life not by what relationship I was in, but by which dog I had I had at the time. MANs best friend

I'm definitely changing

Thailand has been home for me for more than 20 years.

I have teenage children, kids about the only thing that keeps me going these days.

Sitting at the bar with mates for hours on end thankfully are no more.

 

I only get bitter these days thinking of what could have been without Covid19. Early days my kids would pass on negative issues  and comments that they heard from their peers regarding the Chinese, I always made comment that its not the Chinese at fault, just their ways, they eat different things to us.

 

Sadly I cant defend the Chinese anymore, it looks like the virus came from a lab which really annoys me, this and the fact that they could have contained it early days.

As well as the Chinese are doing horribly things to Australia regarding imports etc.

 

Its not bloody fair, I should be enjoying my middle age.

 

I live in a house but have a few condos around town, cant go to the gym, swimming pools. lost my job due to Covid19 so I have a lot of time to nothing these days.

 

Drinking too much and getting angry quickly.

 

Take care out there, I hope things improve soon.

 

23 minutes ago, VYCM said:

Drinking too much and getting angry quickly.

Books can save you!

A limitless amount, all free, all subjects.

14 hours ago, ChrisKC said:

I have been searching for real love, that includes total trust in each other. We both think we are for each other for ever. My promise to her is the same as others, I will never lie to her.

I used to think trust and honesty were important.

Women taught me to lie as much as they do.

Trust has no value in a relationship with a woman, she will always betray you.

Protect your assets, expect nothing from a woman.

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I used to think trust and honesty were important.

Women taught me to lie as much as they do.

Trust has no value in a relationship with a woman, she will always betray you.

That probably says more about you than the women, particularly when attributing to every woman.

 

For all I know,you may be intelligent but you haven't used it to acquire wisdom!

YES.

The older I get, the more often I hear how "handsome" I am.

 

Must be right.

3 minutes ago, ChrisKC said:

That probably says more about you than the women, particularly when attributing to every woman.

For all I know,you may be intelligent but you haven't used it to acquire wisdom!

Saying a relationship of 3 years is successful is probably worse.

I've hired 2 hookers for longer than that (6 years and 5 years).

Both relationships were great.

 

Thai culture is based around lying, if you can't do it, you'll never be happy here!

(and neither will the woman you insist on telling the truth)

19 hours ago, Pilotman said:

Most definitely.  I am not remotely the same person as I was in my twenties and as each decade has passed I have changed, sometimes for the better ( education and learning), sometimes its been  not so good. I am much more suspicious and cynical than I ever was before.  I trust very few people and I can't stand stupidity in people or organisations and I just don't think much of the human race as a species. On the plus side, ironically given what I have just written, I am more sympathetic to the poor and disadvantaged and have great empathy for the plight of those less fortunate than I am or have been. My younger self would not recognise my older self. 

I am not remotely the same person as I was in my twenties

 

I'm the opposite. Mentally I haven't changed since my twenties. The only difference is I've had enough experience of other people to distrust most ( I used to be very trusting ) and I have grown even more cynical that I was back then.

I wish I could time travel and educate my 20 year old self to not be so gullible, to not take women at face value, and to never lend lots of money to friends or in laws.

2 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I wish I could time travel and educate my 20 year old self to not be so gullible, to not take women at face value, and to never lend lots of money to friends or in laws.

I think we all wish that. 

8 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I wish I could time travel and educate my 20 year old self to not be so gullible, to not take women at face value,

I wish I could go back and tell myself never to marry or co-habit in the western world.

In fact, I'd probably tell myself just to work in the west, and only associate with women in Asia.

(and buy Microsoft shares in the 1990s $2 to $200 in 20 years)

 

I used to work a 7 days on 7 days off shift.

I could have lived every other week in Thailand, would have saved me a fortune!

1 hour ago, ChrisKC said:

That probably says more about you than the women, particularly when attributing to every woman.

 

For all I know,you may be intelligent but you haven't used it to acquire wisdom!

Almost every woman I became close to used me and dumped me when they no longer had use for me.

I think learning not to trust women means that I did acquire wisdom- the wisdom to see females for what they are and not what I'd like them to be.

 

NB, I'm not saying every woman is untrustworthy, but seems that most I had affection for were.

6 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Almost every woman I became close to used me and dumped me when they no longer had use for me.

I think learning not to trust women means that I did acquire wisdom- the wisdom to see females for what they are and not what I'd like them to be.

 

NB, I'm not saying every woman is untrustworthy, but seems that most I had affection for were.

I know this sounds a bit sad, and off topic, but I would like to go back and see my late wife just one more time.  I really haven't ever got over losing her to cancer, despite now being married to my present, lovely lady for 24 years. 

17 hours ago, ChrisKC said:

In some senses you are right about not  NEEDING to tell a truth, especially one that you know would hurt

I lost the friendship of the first woman I ever became besotted with because I told her the truth when she asked me something. It was nothing to do with me personally, but she found out something I knew about other people that upset her and she obviously blamed me, because she couldn't take it out on them.

My advice when possibly upsetting someone one cares about, is not to lie if possible but not to tell the truth ( or at least the whole truth ). If a lie is necessary, then lie.

17 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Almost every woman I became close to used me and dumped me when they no longer had use for me.

I think learning not to trust women means that I did acquire wisdom- the wisdom to see females for what they are and not what I'd like them to be.

 

NB, I'm not saying every woman is untrustworthy, but seems that most I had affection for were.

`If you had no use for your women would you keep her - if she was ugly, didn't do house work, didn't make you smile  - probably not . We sometimes become less desirable and if we haven't got something to compensate for that we have  to cop it. 

When I was 20 I was loved by many girls and by 30 not so much. Cop it. 

1 hour ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

`If you had no use for your women would you keep her - if she was ugly, didn't do house work, didn't make you smile  - probably not . We sometimes become less desirable and if we haven't got something to compensate for that we have  to cop it. 

When I was 20 I was loved by many girls and by 30 not so much. Cop it. 

I only had 4 lovers in my life, so most of the women that used and dumped me were platonic friends ( till they weren't ). Not every relationship between men and women involves sex.

BTW, 3 of the lovers used and dumped me. Sometimes I think I had an invisible sign that women could see saying "gullible fool".

What you describe is the way I am since I am a teenager, it's just being normal. What do you think about yourself before you changed ? You were so wrong...

Have I changed over my 76 years? For sure!

 

In my youth, I was carefree and likeable. This changed over time as I faced, and contended with, the realities of the outside world.

 

I was something of a "womaniser" for the better part of my adult life, but more of a "love 'em and leave 'em type". Through all of those relationships, I think I can truthfully say that none of the women "done me bad"; it was the other way around, and when I give thought to how I dumped many other them, now, I am sincerely remorseful. 

 

I once read a novel called "Harry, the rat with women".  I cannot remember anything about the story, at this stage, but the title seems to characterise me.

 

As I have got older, so I have become more thoughtful, self-critical and introspective. I don't like a lot of what I find inside, and mentally chastise myself. The only way to cope with these feelings is to push them to the back of my mind.

 

In the Autumn of my life, I live alone. It suits me and my particular brand of selfishness. I am not at all unhappy, and feel I am good enough company for myself, although I thank goodness for the internet, You Tube, Wikipedia, Google, et al. Where would I be without them?

 

I am close to achieving a decades-old goal of authoring a novel. I have been working on it for close to three years, but can see the end is in sight and  hope to complete before my next birthday.

I was always tolerant of people, unfortunately at 68 I am getting less so, I am also dinking probably 50% less