Lack of gratitude in a Thai relationship

[Fat is a type of crazy]

42 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

I don't think I made generalizations so much as generalization's of a particular type of person. I think it is ok to make generalizations about certain things if it is generally the case...Isn't it? 

Your comments, which I thought were interesting,  were looking at what happened in some of your relationships and you seemed to wonder if it applies more generally. I was not criticising you for attempting to do this. 

I was making my own broader theory, noted that my theory is a generalisation, and .. well .. that's that. 

I went back and looked at my post and one bit is supposed to say they don't really care as long as they get what THEY want. 

Edited August 20, 2022 by Fat is a type of crazy

[Doctor Tom]

4 hours ago, law ling said:

Generalizations are not always useful, but there's a lot of truth in what you say Sir.

I have not found this,  or anywhere near to this, in my relationships, current or past.  The OP is clearly picking the wrong ladies and families. A little bit of caution and discernment is needed at the start of any close relationship, and too many here in LOS, jump in blindly to a wrong set up and then blame others when blame, if that is the right word to use,  usually rests with them. My advice to the OP would be to look to himself before, as you say,  spouting generalisations 

[Gecko123]

Kenny202:

 

I think you're describing a feral type of village woman who is incapable of viewing a (foreign) man as anything other than as a host for her parasitic behavior. In my experience, most, but not necessarily all, come from broken homes or impoverished hard-scrabble backgrounds, and many have worked in the sex industry. But by no means is this behavior endemic to village or Thai culture in general.

 

If you study the Thai wives of Thai men in your surrounding area, I am sure you can identify many who would make dutiful and devoted wives. I have platonic crushes on many of the women in my village, and some of them may even have a crush on me in return. There are many many women who seem to perform their wifely duties admirably.

 

I have found that eliminating the outward appearance of being Mr Moneybags has done wonders at dampening the ardor of and scaring off any prospective gold diggers. What another poster said about the need to re-calibrate expectations in terms of age differences as we get older, and being able to communicate in Thai is very true.

 

Before you went on the tangent about ingratitude from spouses and girlfriends, I was going to say that I have a theory that fear of indebtedness may be behind some Thai people's reluctance to express gratitude.

 

The other thing I was going to point out is that in many, many Thai households, the wife is the person who manages the household finances. Even though you may think forking over cash deserves obsequious and tearful thank yous and foot waiing, I think for some women expressing gratitude really and truly isn't viewed as necessary because her mother never waiied her father when he handed money over to her mother, and that's just how things are done.

 

But, Kenny, don't let the basterds get you down. I'm not just talking about any village women who might try to take advantage of your good nature, but about the guys on threads like this who think they've got Thai women all figured out.

 

Few of us have, or ever will, fully solve that mystery.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Gecko123

[473geo]

Ok so how about if the women are doing really well in this life, much better than others, they are becoming concerned that the next life is not destined to be an improvement, so they create a 'normality' surrounding farang generosity to keep the balance of hardship and suffering on the right track ????

[Denim]

5 hours ago, CharlieH said:

lower one's body briefly by bending one knee to the ground, typically in worship or as a sign of respect.

Or, in rare cases , pick up money someone has dropped.

[The Hammer2021]

6 hours ago, 2009 said:

Some people are just worthless and should be avoided.

 

Typically, the ones who try to search out farang for a relationship fall into this category. 

 

I also think they treat each other this way too. So it ain't just us.

 

It is more prevalent in people coming from the low socioeconomic places.

'Some people are just worthless and should be avoided.'

I thought you were talking about worthless foreign men!

Edited August 20, 2022 by The Hammer2021

[proton]

5 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Do you notice a pattern?

You let it happen!

IMHO many Thais are great in adapting to different situations and different people.

And they are used to the fact that there is, in any given situation, one person who is in charge and another person who follows that person who is in charge.

If you make it clear that you are in charge, then they will do what you tell them to do.

And if you are not in charge then guess what. Then they will lead and tell you what to do.

In your case it is obvious that you are not in charge...

 

I remember one of my favorite bargirls. She was perfect for every customer - just in different ways.

I.e. when I was with her, she played the naughty schoolgirl. When she was with other guys then she looked and behaved in other ways. Other clothes, other make-up, it sees she adapted perfectly to whatever the guy was looking for. And I am pretty sure all of us customers though that the version which they saw was her true self. Like: for all those others she plays a show. Only for me she is like she really is. Yeah, sure.

 

 

 

 

Been trying to get the mrs to dress up like this for years, got this ones phone number? ????

Edited August 20, 2022 by proton

[starky]

6 hours ago, GammaGlobulin said:

You provided the polite definition of the word, I guess. 

Graap

[Klonko]

Good relationships require mutual respect, and gratitude on both sides for taking care of each other. Just providing support and expecting gratitude from the receiving part does not suffice. Taking care goes beyond money.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Klonko

[2009]

7 hours ago, GammaGlobulin said:

Most people here show sincere gratitude for any crumbs I might deign to throw their way. 

 

But, still, I never require them to genuflect, overly, in public. 

I hear some of the Soi Cowboy bars have a special corner for the ladies to genuflect.

[Brian Nose]

Idk if anyone else agrees but I think OP, respectfully, might be too soft.

 

For me, it's important to set boundaries and create an atmosphere of instability and scarcity - demand and supply - you are the scarce resource, she, the Thai girl, is a source of abundance. At any time, she must be made aware, you can swap her out for another girl, with no emotional toll on yourself. 

 

To create these boundaries, early on, you have to say "Hey, watch your <deleted> mouth, don't talk to me like that'.

 

OP, by treasuring your girls and treating them well, you have demonstrated that they are the valuable resource and you are one of abundance - even thought hat'snot true.  Some men can never be 'bad boys', step into the role of the dominant, confident male and you will always be served. 

[Lacessit]

6 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

 

I think finding a good woman requires a proper qualification process. 

Take your time finding one, and keep your standards high. You owe that to yourself. 

Agree 100%. It was two years before I moved from casual to committed.

[473geo]

50 minutes ago, Brian Nose said:

Idk if anyone else agrees but I think OP, respectfully, might be too soft.

 

For me, it's important to set boundaries and create an atmosphere of instability and scarcity - demand and supply - you are the scarce resource, she, the Thai girl, is a source of abundance. At any time, she must be made aware, you can swap her out for another girl, with no emotional toll on yourself. 

 

To create these boundaries, early on, you have to say "Hey, watch your <deleted> mouth, don't talk to me like that'.

 

OP, by treasuring your girls and treating them well, you have demonstrated that they are the valuable resource and you are one of abundance - even thought hat'snot true.  Some men can never be 'bad boys', step into the role of the dominant, confident male and you will always be served. 

I understand the point you are making and it has some validity regarding an element of respect in a relationship 

However I personally would happily overlook the failure to experience displays of gratitude, which I don't seek anyway, than subject my lovely wife to the impression she is little better than a takeaway meal

[OneMoreFarang]

3 hours ago, proton said:

Been trying to get the mrs to dress up like this for years, got this ones phone number? ????

I found her (picture) on the internet.

 

But there is an easy solution: Buy your missus whatever uniform you like and ask her to make you happy. After all, that why we have girlfriends and wives. 

 

[Brian Nose]

1 hour ago, 473geo said:

I understand the point you are making and it has some validity regarding an element of respect in a relationship 

However I personally would happily overlook the failure to experience displays of gratitude, which I don't seek anyway, than subject my lovely wife to the impression she is little better than a takeaway meal

It's really not that at all. In my humble experience, women seek boundaries like children. They feel secure when boundaries are clearly delineated. 

 

For example: 

Woman: "can I have $200 for shopping"

Man: "of course darling"

Woman (in her head): 'really!? <deleted>'

 

Next month: "give me $300 for shopping"

 

Next year: "I want to go on vacation with some men from work. You promised me we would go on vacation!"

 

If you think this example is stupid  - I'm using a real example of a friend. 

 

BTW. He let her go on the vacation. The pictures she posted on Facebook were mortifying.

 

I don't blame the girl - I blame the guy. Treated her like a queen before she ever earned it. 

 

I knew her, she wouldn't have dared do any of that <deleted> with me and she'd be a lot more content. 

 

It's not because I'm young, rich and good looking but because I demonstrate a dynamic of:

 

'I'm more valuable than you, be careful,  or you'll lose me'.

 

What dynamic you are demonstrating is something you have to think about. 

[Brian Nose]

1 hour ago, 473geo said:

However I personally would happily overlook the failure to experience displays of gratitude, which I don't seek anyway, than subject my lovely wife to the impression she is little better than a takeaway meal

Is it a lack of display of gratitude, or a lack of gratitude? Important distinction. 

 

If it's a lack of gratitude, you can be dropped for a 'better' man at any moment. 

[Iamfalang]

5 minutes ago, Brian Nose said:

Treated her like a queen before she ever earned it. 

What do you mean "earn" It?

 

He picked her, so the won whatever game you think they are playing.

 

He needs to "earn" his right in the land of Alpha Males!!!!  10,000 baht for dinner or he will not earn her affection.  Then she must earn his affection.  Then they will fight to see who will earn what and who has earned this and who must earn that...

 

This is not the right approach when thinking about women you like.  

[Brian Nose]

7 minutes ago, Iamfalang said:

What do you mean "earn" It?

 

He picked her, so the won whatever game you think they are playing.

 

He needs to "earn" his right in the land of Alpha Males!!!!  10,000 baht for dinner or he will not earn her affection.  Then she must earn his affection.  Then they will fight to see who will earn what and who has earned this and who must earn that...

 

This is not the right approach when thinking about women you like.  

Well, you took the word "earn" to it's most ridiculous extent. 10/10

[Brian Nose]

I don't even think you should treat any woman like a queen tbh. Maybe on special occasions - birthdays, hard times etc.

[scorecard]

First farang wife, in Oz, never said thanks (or please) once in many years after marriage. Also quickly snatched things out of my hand; e.g. documents. money and just getting some jam from the jam jar, before I'm finished she'd strongly snatch the jam jar away and put it somwhere out of my reach. Before marriage not a problem.

 

Thai wife always polite and pleasant, always please and thank you.

Edited August 20, 2022 by scorecard

[Brian Nose]

10 hours ago, brianthainess said:

Sorry but i have not read all the replies nor the long OP heard it all before, the more you give the more they expect, my missus does say thank you for the smallest things, I do give my wife a monthly allowance even now and payed for the land and made a small house but where i wanted to live, but anything she wants she buys not me, easier for me to budget , though she has her own small salon, sewing, and selling food, work ethic is what she has, and she is still helping to support her adult kids who also have good work ethic.

I would never move to 'Their' village and from the very start told her not to tell her extended family up north she had a falang boyfriend/husband, I've  never met them nor do i want to.

  After the death of my friend last week she has closed her shop to help me with all the arrangements, and now here I am sitting in hospital with a skin infection, while she sleeps on the floor next to me, not only does she help me but the also others in the ward. Yep she IS different and I am a very lucky man indeed.

You have it good, fellow Brian.

[Brian Nose]

10 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

That was the moment when I told her I have enough of this. Go to your village, think about your behavior. I don't want to see you. Maybe two months later I let her come back. And she was again a nice girl, and she didn't complain all the time. 

 

Nice move! Great decision. This thread was feeling a little 'simpy' until I read this.

[sipi]

Try marrying a farang. Gratitude doesn't even exist.

[Baron Samedi]

If you don't want to be treated like garbage, just don't date trash cans.

Simple as that, dear OP ????

 

A country girl from Isaan - brought up in a dodgy family and then sent to a redlight district to siphon as much easy money as possible - simply doesn't see the world the way you do. She doesn't have the same values, expectations, dreams, etc... She doesn't want to be saved or loved; she want you to be the tool that will enable her sick delusion of grandeur in which she is the superstar of the village - admired by neighbors and praised by parents.

 

I know this pains many farangs but Thailand isn't great because of its brainwashed people or conservative culture but because it is cheap. I'm not saying you won't find nice people there but they won't be especially nicer than in Europe or Australia.

 

My humble take on all this: don't get married in Thailand, don't invest in Thailand, don't buy a house in Thailand, don't open a bank account in Thailand, etc... Rent an affordable place, have fun, work online for a western company, use an international bank to access your money, get yourself a decent health insurance and that's it ! Honestly, don't even rent a motorbike unless you absolutely must ????

 

Being pragmatic is often seen as being cynical but in the end, it's the right way to go if you wanna have a smooth ride - it's all about finding the optimal balance between risks and benefits and understanding that Asians don't give a damn about your christian-oriented mindset (idealism is a western concept).

[Lucky Bones]

20 minutes ago, Baron Samedi said:

If you don't want to be treated like garbage, just don't date trash cans.

Simple as that, dear OP ????

 

A country girl from Isaan - brought up in a dodgy family and then sent to a redlight district to siphon as much easy money as possible - simply doesn't see the world the way you do. She doesn't have the same values, expectations, dreams, etc... She doesn't want to be saved or loved; she want you to be the tool that will enable her sick delusion of grandeur in which she is the superstar of the village - admired by neighbors and praised by parents.

 

I know this pains many farangs but Thailand isn't great because of its brainwashed people or conservative culture but because it is cheap. I'm not saying you won't find nice people there but they won't be especially nicer than in Europe or Australia.

 

My humble take on all this: don't get married in Thailand, don't invest in Thailand, don't buy a house in Thailand, don't open a bank account in Thailand, etc... Rent an affordable place, have fun, work online for a western company, use an international bank to access your money, get yourself a decent health insurance and that's it ! Honestly, don't even rent a motorbike unless you absolutely must ????

 

Being pragmatic is often seen as being cynical but in the end, it's the right way to go if you wanna have a smooth ride - it's all about finding the optimal balance between risks and benefits and understanding that Asians don't give a damn about your christian-oriented mindset (idealism is a western concept).

So, you want to be a westerner doing only westerner things in Thailand?

What has Christianity got to do with it?

You eat westerner food only?

Very strange post.

Why not just stay in your westerner country?????????

[KIngsofisaan]

The OP still hasn't figured out, it was never about him, and he is finding that out the hard way where whatever he does is never enough.

 

I married a super poor Isaan girl and it is the exact opposite of the OP

 

I am perplexed while years and years later, she never lets me forget how much she appreciates everything I do for her. I would have thought that she would have grown out of this by now, but no sir.

 

I listen to my wife and what I feel will make her happy. I can be happy with anything.

 

I also took the time to invest in her education, US citizenship, get her to stand on her own 2 feet in any country. 

 

While many men don't have the cahones for fear of getting dumped, limited financial means or whatever, I went into the relationship knowing full well and good it would make me happy to make her happy.

 

I never had to give one thought to any financial means or what I wanted in my life. I worked hard and planned well.

 

Unlike some people's thoughts, Thailand is not my home. I just happen to reside there with my wife. It is her house for all legal purposes and I am 100% fine with that. I am a guest in her country. I cannot expect any different.

 

We have a home in the US. Good for me. Good for her. Both our names on this house.

 

The Thailand house is her design, her plan. Her village, her family. I bought some land, she inherited much more land. Makes me extremely happy to see her so happy that she has something and can help her family.

 

Got married in that village. The time of my life, the party of the century. Her father was king for a day. Villagers amazed one of their own was getting married to a farang. She has never let me forget how important that day was to her and for everything I did. Amazing experience. Company brought 25 different wedding dresses for her to choose from, makeup specialists, 6 large circus tents with decorated tables and chairs, large stage with live music, DJ, Coyote Dancers, guest singers, roast pigs, stuffed fish, food galore. Did the traditional wedding march to her house with all the villagers, a tray full of gold and sin sod. What a blast! When she was called on stage to give a speech, she started crying her head off. She said, " I will never forget what you have done for me" and to this day, she never has.

 

I grew up in a good family, got an advanced education and pretty much bought whatever it was I thought I needed or didn't need my whole life. I have no regrets and no longer find things I need or want. Have a whole house full of things in the US.

 

My wife on the other hand, never had one toy growing up.

 

It makes me damn happy to fix that now and for her to have what ever she wants or missed out on growing up.

 

The difference her, is she has never forgot where she came from or how she got to where she is today. 

 

Thailand has never been about me. 99% of the men here could never accept that for ALL their own reasons.

 

But I do, because it is exactly what I wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KIngsofisaan]

41 minutes ago, Baron Samedi said:

If you don't want to be treated like garbage, just don't date trash cans.

Simple as that, dear OP ????

 

A country girl from Isaan - brought up in a dodgy family and then sent to a redlight district to siphon as much easy money as possible - simply doesn't see the world the way you do. She doesn't have the same values, expectations, dreams, etc... She doesn't want to be saved or loved; she want you to be the tool that will enable her sick delusion of grandeur in which she is the superstar of the village - admired by neighbors and praised by parents.

 

I know this pains many farangs but Thailand isn't great because of its brainwashed people or conservative culture but because it is cheap. I'm not saying you won't find nice people there but they won't be especially nicer than in Europe or Australia.

 

My humble take on all this: don't get married in Thailand, don't invest in Thailand, don't buy a house in Thailand, don't open a bank account in Thailand, etc... Rent an affordable place, have fun, work online for a western company, use an international bank to access your money, get yourself a decent health insurance and that's it ! Honestly, don't even rent a motorbike unless you absolutely must ????

 

Being pragmatic is often seen as being cynical but in the end, it's the right way to go if you wanna have a smooth ride - it's all about finding the optimal balance between risks and benefits and understanding that Asians don't give a damn about your christian-oriented mindset (idealism is a western concept).

You ever think how many farangs are trash cans themselves?

 

The majority wouldn't be in Thailand if they were worth any salt at all.

[KIngsofisaan]

1 hour ago, Brian Nose said:

It's really not that at all. In my humble experience, women seek boundaries like children. They feel secure when boundaries are clearly delineated. 

 

For example: 

Woman: "can I have $200 for shopping"

Man: "of course darling"

Woman (in her head): 'really!? <deleted>'

 

Next month: "give me $300 for shopping"

 

Next year: "I want to go on vacation with some men from work. You promised me we would go on vacation!"

 

If you think this example is stupid  - I'm using a real example of a friend. 

 

BTW. He let her go on the vacation. The pictures she posted on Facebook were mortifying.

 

I don't blame the girl - I blame the guy. Treated her like a queen before she ever earned it. 

 

I knew her, she wouldn't have dared do any of that <deleted> with me and she'd be a lot more content. 

 

It's not because I'm young, rich and good looking but because I demonstrate a dynamic of:

 

'I'm more valuable than you, be careful,  or you'll lose me'.

 

What dynamic you are demonstrating is something you have to think about. 

Everyone has an opinion Mr. Nose

[KIngsofisaan]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I found her (picture) on the internet.

 

But there is an easy solution: Buy your missus whatever uniform you like and ask her to make you happy. After all, that why we have girlfriends and wives. 

 

You ever think if you picked the right one, you wouldn't have to fantasize about dressing her up like a clown?

[scorecard]

52 minutes ago, sipi said:

Try marrying a farang. Gratitude doesn't even exist.

Agree, over many eyrs I've heard so many stories of farang expecting to be treated as a superior, as a saviour etc.

Worst i've come across (proven to be true) was a yank who was married to Thai lady in Pattaya (all reports the lady was a hard worker, san a successful shop to support the farang.

 

Farang regularly brought girls home from bars, arrive home at 2 a.m. and yell at the wife to get out of the bed, used the bed for sex with bar girl, next morning demanded his wife cook breakfast for him and the bar girl. Kids seeing all of this.

 

Wife made a plan, arranged transport, had packing all well organized in advance. When farang out at a bar her brother arrived with 2 pick ups trucks and 2nd driver, everything loaded quickly and gone, back to Roi Et. 

 

Farang called and demanded she return and cook his meals and wash his clothes. SHe refused.

 

Week or so later farang drove to Roi ET, he had been there before. On arrival at her village her several brothers appeared, beat him up, (bad beating but nothing more) put him in his car, drove the car about 10 km out of the village and abandoned him. Farnag never contacted his wife gain. And apparently he returned to US thinking he had been badly done by.