Dear Community,

I have seen many postings in this forum around Thai women and relationships. There is one question I am struggling with and maybe the one or other can enlighten me a little bit.

I spend two long term relationships with Thai women. Seeing married for 15 years with a Thai who grew up in France since she was a teenager and after my divorce many years later a one year relationship with an Isaan woman.

In both cases their ability to talk about their feelings was very limited, compared to European women. They both could talked endless about other things in her life or how bad they were feeling with ex-boyfriends or husbands, but being able to talk about what they feel in our relationship was pretty much non existing.  Especially when it came to conflict situations where such kind of discussions are important in my opinion to find a common solution, their solution approach was rather to cook something and try to avoid any discussion. 

I want to understand for myself if this was specific in my relationships and may have something to do with me and my selection of woman or if this is general cultural thing. How do you perceive this in your long term relationships? I talking about women in the age between 30 and 45.

Thank you and best regards

Momenteer

What's the age gap between you and the women? were they genuine relationships? i.e. not based on money. The reason they can't talk about it is because they don't feel it

21 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

What's the age gap between you and the women? were they genuine relationships? i.e. not based on money. The reason they can't talk about it is because they don't feel it

The age gap was 2 years and 12 years. Both relationship were not based on money (except in my marriage where she stayed at home when our son was born)

Thai people definitely have an issue around expressing emotions.  They appear completely fearless when it comes to things like singing or dancing, but other things, that would seem everyday for us, terrify them.

 

Also, there's the "relationships are more like a business agreement than about love and feelings" angle.  They're probably griping about exes because they made them lose face or they are resentful, therefore no real shame in complaining.

23 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

Thai people definitely have an issue around expressing emotions. 

Not what I've experienced, crystal clear

Mine feels hungry and hot a lot, never stops mentioning them.

You want to know how 2 out of 33,000,000 women in Thailand... and 1 was in France??????

 

Every single woman has the perpencity to be different.

 

Can be due to a lot of factors, including education and others

 

My wife (Isaan) was never short expressing her feelings

 

When we moved to the US the first time, she was always expressing her feelings 

 

I know if was tough to leave her family

 

To this day, she never fails to tell me how much I mean to her. She is very affectionate

 

I think the key question you should ask yourself, is how well of a listener are you?

 

If you don't pay attention and always blow things off or put your own needs first, and have to win every conversation, this is detrimental.

 

"Especially when it came to conflict situations where such kind of discussions are important in my opinion to find a common solution, their solution approach was rather to cook something and try to avoid any discussion". 

 

This is exactly the behavior I just referred to. 

 

You obviously do not understand Thai women if you get yourself into a conflict and try to win. You just do not understand.

 

There are tons of men that have to win every single conversation.

 

They are the boss, the king of their own jungle.

 

Probably why so many come to Thailand, get married and divorced.

 

No one wants the boss, the king of the jungle unless they are forced to survive.

 

What works for me and why we have been together for years and years and years?

 

I listen carefully, understand things from being in my wife's shoes and not my own.

 

I also can say yes to just about anything and everything because I can and I want to.

 

I can relate and understand her point of view.

 

If you are in conflict, fighting over money, forcing them to go to work in your own country, didn't provide the dream you promised, what exactly do you expect?

 

I say yes to everything because I understand my wife and her upbringing with absolutely nothing.

 

It makes me very happy to see her happy, because she deserves it.

 

I remember long ago I was on a business trip and bought her an antique porcelain doll.

 

She cried her head off.

 

Then she told me she never had 1 toy growing up.

 

I had plenty of toys.

 

Some men just cannot understand or remember that.  

 

When you stop arguing, stop the conflict, and start listening, all the problems go away.

 

I think people that have been married for 20 years understand that quite well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 minutes ago, KIngsofisaan said:

 

I think the key question you should ask yourself, is how well of a listener are you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your input.

I guess listening and being trusted has never been an issue for me. In fact most females (European and Thai) tell me things about their live that they have told nobody else.

Also being the "Boss" is less my issue. I have to be that all day in the job and being known there as strong alpha male, so I am very happy to live and let live in my private life.

However conflicts can occur in every relationship and I believe only by understanding the feelings of each other could create solutions and new and closer ways to live together on an emotional base. But this is exactly the point where I was missing the ability for self-reflection and the ability to talk about their feelings with me. 

You mentioned that your wife is expressing her feelings for you every time. And that is what I perceive as normal and did from my side, but what I was missing many times from the women.

I think Elvis sums it up pretty good.

 

52 minutes ago, Momenteer said:

Thank you for your input.

I guess listening and being trusted has never been an issue for me. In fact most females (European and Thai) tell me things about their live that they have told nobody else.

Also being the "Boss" is less my issue. I have to be that all day in the job and being known there as strong alpha male, so I am very happy to live and let live in my private life.

However conflicts can occur in every relationship and I believe only by understanding the feelings of each other could create solutions and new and closer ways to live together on an emotional base. But this is exactly the point where I was missing the ability for self-reflection and the ability to talk about their feelings with me. 

You mentioned that your wife is expressing her feelings for you every time. And that is what I perceive as normal and did from my side, but what I was missing many times from the women.

You should ask yourself what leads to your conflicts?

 

We never have any conflicts at all.

 

Why?

 

Say yes to everything. 

 

You have a job, you have had a more priviledged life.

 

If you have conflicts, that is 50% your fault (Takes 2 to tango)

 

Start giving more than you expect to receive

 

Expect nothing except making her happy, then you will gain everything you seek

Life is to short to worry to much about this

 

7 minutes ago, KIngsofisaan said:

You should ask yourself what leads to your conflicts?

 

We never have any conflicts at all.

 

Why?

 

Say yes to everything. 

 

You have a job, you have had a more priviledged life.

 

If you have conflicts, that is 50% your fault (Takes 2 to tango)

 

Start giving more than you expect to receive

 

Expect nothing except making her happy, then you will gain everything you seek

That is a point where I disagree with.

There could be daily standard conflicts like if I need clean clothes and asked her already twice to wash and she is still busy with things like browsing Facebook or going into the Gym, but also rather emotional conflicts like spending not enough time together and start to feel lonely. Putting that on the table 2-3 times in a nice way without getting anything changed, can then lead to a conflict discussion from my perspective to understand what is the real issue here in the background.

 

Sounds pretty much the same as my wife

 

AND 

 

it was one of the things I like best. We don't ever [22 years] talk about our relationship... we just live it. 

Thai women are remarkably resilient....

 

In a relationship they very much want to please....

 

The most crushed feelings I've seen is by husbands/sig- others constantly criticizing them, knocking them & the way they do things at every peg....Worse when incessantly employing/forcing "western logic" on their woman.....

This undercuts their very essence/being and they can only take it for awhile....

That's the biggest mistake I've seen that hurts them....

Talking about feelings? Why? Perhaps  the emotes too  much.

You were lucky. Learn to be more masculine and stoic and not so.....

My Thai GF tells me when she is sad, happy etc. Her focus is the family, including me.

IMO giving her support and consideration is all I need to do. On the rare occasions when I have to put my foot down, I think she accepts I know more than her.

 

A sulk for her lasts one hour maximum. I had a wife in Australia that could keep one going for a month.

 

I don't think most Thais dwell on the past, IME they live in the present.

3 hours ago, Momenteer said:

That is a point where I disagree with.

There could be daily standard conflicts like if I need clean clothes and asked her already twice to wash and she is still busy with things like browsing Facebook or going into the Gym, but also rather emotional conflicts like spending not enough time together and start to feel lonely. Putting that on the table 2-3 times in a nice way without getting anything changed, can then lead to a conflict discussion from my perspective to understand what is the real issue here in the background.

 

There you go ALPHA MALE.

 

You already answered your own questions.

 

Do you want a maid? A slave? Or do you want someone being with you that is happy all the time?

 

Do you know how to use a washing machine and dryer? Then wash your own damn clothes. Your arms aren't broken are they?

 

She is not your servant, even if you think otherwise.

 

Maybe if she rather do other things than be with you, look in the mirror?

 

The ALPHA DOG is not getting the answers he expects so now he is all upset.

 

The ALPHA DOG initiates the conflict to forcefully get the answers he wants to hear.

 

Maybe try meeting all her expectations instead of her having to meet all your expectations is a good start.

 

Some men just do not get it and never do.

 

If I had a choice between going to footie or going to the ballet (wife's idea), I would go to the ballet 10 out 10.

 

I have seen a lot of football already in my life and can always watch a rerun if I missed it that much.

 

Some men are just so darn happy and blessed to want to please their wives.

 

HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE

 

If you try to make her live your ALPHA MALE life, she won't be around long

 

I suspect she thought her life was going to be better with you and is finding out that is not the case.

 

Lot of Thai's get married to farangs thinking they will be taken care of and have a better life.

 

Until they learn about the ALPHA DOG!

 

You need to settle down and understand her needs and expectations.

 

You are a grown man that can take care of himself.

 

How about being a real man and take care of her?

 

 

 

 

It's so sad...all these men without a cue/Thai women have feelings just the same as anyone else - so there's one hurdle to get over. How any Thai person expresses their feelings has cutlural and linguistic differences from "westerners" - but surely after being in a relationship for a year or two you can work that out.

Tere is tendency towards fridge magnet philosophies, but you're meant to understand what they mean when they talk like that.

7 hours ago, proton said:

Mine feels hungry and hot a lot, never stops mentioning them.

yes, you have to feed and water them regularly... 

1 hour ago, KIngsofisaan said:

There you go ALPHA MALE.

 

You already answered your own questions.

 

Do you want a maid? A slave? Or do you want someone being with you that is happy all the time?

 

Do you know how to use a washing machine and dryer? Then wash your own damn clothes. Your arms aren't broken are they?

 

She is not your servant, even if you think otherwise.

 

Maybe if she rather do other things than be with you, look in the mirror?

 

The ALPHA DOG is not getting the answers he expects so now he is all upset.

 

The ALPHA DOG initiates the conflict to forcefully get the answers he wants to hear.

 

Maybe try meeting all her expectations instead of her having to meet all your expectations is a good start.

 

Some men just do not get it and never do.

 

If I had a choice between going to footie or going to the ballet (wife's idea), I would go to the ballet 10 out 10.

 

I have seen a lot of football already in my life and can always watch a rerun if I missed it that much.

 

Some men are just so darn happy and blessed to want to please their wives.

 

HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE

 

If you try to make her live your ALPHA MALE life, she won't be around long

 

I suspect she thought her life was going to be better with you and is finding out that is not the case.

 

Lot of Thai's get married to farangs thinking they will be taken care of and have a better life.

 

Until they learn about the ALPHA DOG!

 

You need to settle down and understand her needs and expectations.

 

You are a grown man that can take care of himself.

 

How about being a real man and take care of her?

 

 

 

 

Nothing wrong with being  an Alpha male...better than a whinger

4 hours ago, Lacessit said:

when I have to put my foot down,

oh my! 

 

4 hours ago, Lacessit said:

I think she accepts I know more than her.

sure? she accepts your superiority? As you have said before, she thinks the sun shines out your butt - which is probably the most demeaning thing I have ever heard anyone say about another person.. anywhere. Ever. 

My wife is an oddball having grown up in the US as a teenager.

 

But she's a helluva lot more willing and able to verbalize her feelings than I am.

 

And of course as any human would she uses this power dynamic to her advantage.

 

She outpours her anger, I capitulate, problem solved lol.

 

But seriously I think we both express feeling equally to each other, the good and the bad, albeit she does it more loudly!

Soft men, often young believe emotional incontinence is strength  but its not. Most Thai women are stronger  than most western men.  A real man wouldn't  talk about needing his wife to talk about her feelings- he would be  relieved she was quiet about them

9 minutes ago, The Hammer2021 said:

Soft men, often young believe emotional incontinence is strength  but its not. Most Thai women are stronger  than most western men.  A real man wouldn't  talk about needing his wife to talk about her feelings- he would be  relieved she was quiet about them

Interesting perspective.

 

Depends where you are in life.

 

Now if I had a short term girlfriend, I probably wouldn't give a rats ass about her feelings.

 

Now if I'm talking about a wife/partner of 20 years of course I want to know and understand her feelings, as I hope she would mine

Yes, Thai females are generally conservative and tend to hold back emotion/surprise etc… potential for loss of face of either party and all that. Not necessarily those that have spent lots of time around foreigners. Folk that baulk at this revelation probably don’t understand the culture very well. Basic stuff. 

9 minutes ago, GinBoy2 said:

Interesting perspective.

 

Depends where you are in life.

 

Now if I had a short term girlfriend, I probably wouldn't give a rats ass about her feelings.

 

Now if I'm talking about a wife/partner of 20 years of course I want to know and understand her feelings, as I hope she would mine

Of coursw we need to know about feelings but emotions show and don't need talking about. Talking about feelings is idiocy and narcissism or manipulation. Look at the current generation  of a lister hypocrites talking about feelings- just as a form of self promotion. I would go so far as to say talking about  feelings herald the  death of a relationship.  Talking about feelings is quite different  from having feelings  and emotions. Women sulk to gets stuff- infantile regression- men rage to get stuff it infantile regression. What's to talk  about?

Many farang think Thai's and other asian woman are under they "level". They treat they wife's like dogs or cheap maid's, that really DISGUST ME! They use they better wealth and education level to dominate woman. Many of those men never get woman whitout money! They bring wife's to own country where woman's are really miserable. Many dont have friends and family is like millions mile's away and family is really important to them! 

When i start my relationship whit Thai lady , i first say : i never drag you to my own country coz i know you dont like to live there! Even she has good education/position in Thailand, in my country she can only work as cleaner woman. Cold country whit minus 30 or more in winter what the F she can do there! So our life is half year apart and half year together in Thailand! Ofcouse there are happy Thai woman also, but this kind OP show that most of them have to be miserable. Most sad is that idiot ahole men's dont even notice that! Or dont care!

It's you.  All women will open up emtionally to the right guy. Sorry to burst your self deluded bubble.

Like many Thais, my GF/Wife is very conflict avoidant.  She doesn't talk to her mother, for instance, because she fears it would lead to a fight.  There have been times when she and I disagreed about something and she wouldn't explain her position because she didn't want "to fight with me" (an impossibility I told her).  She would walk away instead.  On other occasions, I might see that she was upset about something and I would ask her what was wrong.  The answer was always "nothing."  After maybe two or three more attempts, she might finally open up, slowly and gradually.  If I listened sympathetically, the long story would finally spill out.  Similarly a direct "How do you feel" would always lead to "I'm fine," with discussion closed from there without careful excavation.  

After two marriages with super expressive Italians, I sometimes find Thai reticence refreshing.

33 minutes ago, habuspasha said:

Like many Thais, my GF/Wife is very conflict avoidant.  She doesn't talk to her mother, for instance, because she fears it would lead to a fight.  There have been times when she and I disagreed about something and she wouldn't explain her position because she didn't want "to fight with me" (an impossibility I told her).  She would walk away instead.  On other occasions, I might see that she was upset about something and I would ask her what was wrong.  The answer was always "nothing."  After maybe two or three more attempts, she might finally open up, slowly and gradually.  If I listened sympathetically, the long story would finally spill out.  Similarly a direct "How do you feel" would always lead to "I'm fine," with discussion closed from there without careful excavation.  

After two marriages with super expressive Italians, I sometimes find Thai reticence refreshing.

It's funny how these things work out.

 

The contrast between my American and Thai wife couldn't be more extreme.

 

My American wife was/is very in control of her emotions.

 

Reticence isn't in the toolbox of my Thai wife. I'm made abundantly and instantly clear whats going on in her head!