How to handle Thai women becoming “attached” right away?

[JimTripper]

2 hours ago, ASEANTraveler said:

The “gentleman” in me kind of feels like a jerk if I don’t respond, but that’s more a problem for me than for them.  I agree with you…one or two dates is not a marriage and they probably don’t give it a second thought (even if I do)

You’re responding because it’s you hanging on. They are likely sensing that you’re still interested so are calling again. Not many people want to just go on dinner dates and nothing else, if that’s what you’re really after. More likely, you are doing the dinners but are afraid of commitment or intimate stuff, so just back off. If you’re not interested it does not really matter if they message or not, it just gets erased or ignored and you move on.

Edited July 18, 2023 by JimTripper

[4MyEgo]

10 hours ago, ASEANTraveler said:

I will plead guilty to your one charge that “woman might also have been up for it.”  Even the “good girls” seem to have desires and wants.  I forget that sometimes 

Even the good girls.....lol

 

From my vast experience with women, not talking about putting them to bed, but "good girls" only exist in Hollywood movies.

 

What I mean to say is if you find one with some good qualities, then your half way there.

 

Keep your money separate, don't spoil them, be a man, do not put up with jealousy, i.e. seek them out early, in other words have a look at another girl and say, wow she's pretty and see what their response is, if it's the old jealousy card, move on quickly, because to me a good girl should be secure about herself, suffice to say you don't want the ones with baggage.

 

Just enjoy yourself, tell them up front what your feeling, they will appreciate you for your honestly, never sweep anything under the carpet, be yourself, being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to become someone else, that said, woman are an abundance, especially here, and you can be yourself here more so than in the west, e.g. most women here need a fella.

 

Remember to take your Zink ????

[Dan O]

15 hours ago, ASEANTraveler said:

You’re right.  It is.  I would be “open” to the idea of a potential relationship (down the road) with any of these woman.  I would not have asked them out to dinner in the first place if I thought they were not “possibilities.”  But the whole process of “dating” — effectively getting to know each other BEFORE commitment — is what I am struggling with here in Thailand.  It’s like the “let’s see if we are compatible” phase is missing.
 

Going out with a lady 5-8-10 times BEFORE you make her a girlfriend seems important to me.  How does she react to different situations?  What are her interests?  How does she react and solve a small disagreement?  Is she even tempered?  Does she seem responsible with money?  Do we have a shared sense of humor?  And on and on….

 

I don't see by the comments you posted that have been said don't seem to constitute a desperate attempt to be your gf.  

 

Anyway, have you thought about actually talking to them and explaining your view of how you want to proceed. That will sort out everything quickly for both you and the girl. 

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, Dan O said:

Anyway, have you thought about actually talking to them and explaining your view of how you want to proceed. That will sort out everything quickly for both you and the girl. 

I wouldn't bet on that one.

Men lie, and women lie. And they expect that the other one is lying. 

Not always, but I am sure that happens often. 

[Headgame]

I guess I don’t understand what the problem is? If you don’t like the attention then just don’t answer or block or man up and just tell her you’re not interested. Moving on. Don’t expect this behavior to change. Adapt.

[hotchilli]

23 hours ago, ASEANTraveler said:

NOW comes the challenge.  These women seem to get “very attached” after just one date.  They say things like “will I see you tomorrow.” They text me on LINE, etc.  

They're looking for a partner..

maybe you're playing the field?

[wwest5829]

23 hours ago, ASEANTraveler said:

You know..I am “open” to the idea of a GF, but that takes time to develop organically.  Same as in my country, I have to date/get to know a woman for 2-3 months before going down the road of “okay, I want to be more serious with this woman.” Here - seems second “date” and they think you are looking for something permanent.  

Lost in (cultural) translation. Many valid comments already. Keep on doing what you are doing if that is what you want. Over time you will change or decide the culture in not working for you. Many of us have had this bit of culture shock. Love the Thai guys, they love them, leave them (oft with the baby). Older westerners arrive facing a huge pool of cute Thai females of the ages you cite. 1. How old are you 2. What do/did you do for work 3. How much income do you have. (Not in order). The Thai social pecking order … and you have already read the comment … age and security play heavily into the judgements made. I retired here and have had only great memories before settling down with my Thai Wife 26 years younger than I … but then I am ancient!

[Deli]

On 7/18/2023 at 1:53 PM, ASEANTraveler said:

So, the rules of the “dating” game are clearly different here in Thailand.  I need some advice on how to handle a situation that keeps occurring to me.  Here’s what is happening:

 

Me: age 46, based in Thailand, not a bad looking guy, I come across as polite and a gentlemen (which is mostly accurate).

 

I personally do not drink alcohol or go to bars, but I do meet a variety of Thai women when out and about.  Examples include:

 

An Accountant, age 36

Hair Salon Owner, age 42

Dental Assistant, age 37

Retail Worker At A Mall, Age 43

 

When I meet these women, if I have a nice little conversation with them, I always invite them to dinner.  This is usually fairly quickly…often during our initial conversation or after a short second conversation.  I enjoy the company of a woman for dinner and always happily pay for our meals.  Dinner usually turns into a walk around the night market, a park, etc., some dessert, and more conversation into the evening.  I have made it a point to avoid sexual relations with the these women.  There has been some going back to my place and “snuggling”/“touching,” but no sex — so I am not using the women for sex.

 

The dinner dates have been great:   laughing, smiling, good conversation to the extent possible given the language barrier.  I think the woman have enjoyed the evenings as much as I have.

NOW comes the challenge.  These women seem to get “very attached” after just one date.  They say things like “will I see you tomorrow.” They text me on LINE, etc.  

 

I genuinely enjoy the dinner dates with each woman.  I would like to continue to take them out to dinner.   However, I definitely DO NOT consider them “girlfriends” right away as they seem to want, imply, and act.  I want to handle the situation in a dignified manner that does not unnecessarily hurt anyone’s feeling.

So, how do I handle this is Thailand?  

 

 

 

 

With the FFF - mentality. Always has been the best for me.

[Unify]

As a few others have suggested, explain to them that you like to take it slow. If they text you and say "See you tomorrow", say " I'm free next Thursday, but in the meantime, we can chat" if you want to see them again.

 

Don't tell them where you live and don't give your phone number. Here's why.

 

A few years back I was chatting with an attractive woman in her mid thirties. She was a school teacher and owned her own home. It was a pretty good set-up for a girlfriend.

 

She lived a couple of hours away. Eventually, I invited her to visit me over the weekend. I  had noticed she was somewhat insecure, but the alarm bells didn't ring.

 

She came and spent the weekend, but we weren't a good match. It was a constant struggle. She was continually putting herself down.

 

Come Sunday, I was getting ready to take her back to the bus station so she could catch a van back home, and she refused to leave.

 

She said she was going to quit her job and stay with me. I eventually told her that she could stay if she wanted, but I would leave and go elsewhere (I was in a hotel).

 

I finally got her in her van and off she went. I even tried to encourage her after she got home, but it was no use. She had terribly low self-esteem, and what I had done lowered it more.

 

From that point onward, I've been careful about letting women know where I live until I get to know them better. And LINE is much better than a phone number. I have one gal who climbed over a security fence, in the rain, at 1:30am, knocking on my bungalow door, claiming men were chasing her. She had my phone number and got new SIM cards and texted me from new numbers for months.

 

So, part of it is realizing that yes, they may take dinner far more seriously than you do. Part of it is you being clear about a pace you're comfortable with. And part of it is about protecting yourself.

 

Personally, I'd make it clear in text, before you meet. I'd consider a coffee date rather than dinner.

 

Good luck.

 

PS: I'm no prize. I'm older, don't have much money, and I don't dress that well. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Unify

[xtrnuno41]

You started already on the wrong foot, should have said "just for dinner"

But then you take them in YOUR home and touch. If they go home with you, they know what to expect. Probably she (they) already feels bad, as you didnt  go on and think "why he doesnt want, am I that uggly?" You didnt, but fooled around some.

Your soldier wanted to got to war, but only touched, or also snuggled?

So be a man then and tell straight "you dont want relation". Now you want to correct it, which makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

In Thailand if you dont get married before 25, then you are out.

You have contact with older women facing that "problem".

 I know a young (past 25)Thai girl and a Thai guy was interested to be "friends".

She said ok but just friends and nothing more, straight forward, right in his face. Cutting off any other possibility, right away.

Last time I was in Thailand went to7/11 to buy a bottle of whiskey. One Thai girl offered to help emptying the bottle, she spoke Thai. The other young girl. talking English, told me, so probably I could have had 2 very young girls "to help with whiskey bottle".

Im old enough to be there dad. I didnt do as I am with someone.

So laughed the situation off, said "my wife" wouldnt appreciate and went home.

 

So it can be very easy in Thailand, but if you dont want , just let them know.

Very simple.

[brianthainess]

Just tell them now you have no money, will you pay for dinner?

[Goat]

On 7/18/2023 at 1:53 PM, ASEANTraveler said:

An Accountant, age 36

Hair Salon Owner, age 42

Dental Assistant, age 37

Retail Worker At A Mall, Age 43

 

You gotta harden up mate. Those women are quite old for you. And being old they will just be up for casual sex IF you are upfront with them and manage their expectations.

The ones over 40 I wouldnt bother with, especially if they have kids, they will be a bit worn out.

Trust me, they want sex. 

 

You really should be aiming the 25-33 age group at your age. But once again the most important thing is to manage their expectations. Tell them you are not married or in a relationship because you dont want to be.  Some will walk, but many wont. 

 

Once you want to get rid of them there are quite a few tactics that will turn them off you. The best one is refusing to shower, brush your teeth, wear dirty clothes, pass wind in public.

Constantly asking for threesomes and anal often does the trick also. 

You cant be nice about it, it will confuse them and give them false hope.

You gotta be cruel to be kind. get them to not like you.

[Stevemercer]

I think it's a problem of miscommunication. Unless you both speak the same languge, and have a similar cultural background, it's hard to get the sort of subtle message you want across.

 

Even if your girlfriend has good English, there will still be different cultural understandings and expectations. 

 

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Continue to enjoy the company of attractive women and maybe one day you will meet someone you really match with. The constant follow-up communications are just a necessary evil you will have to deal with - politely and with a minimum of fuss. You'll get apt at it over time.

 

[LukKrueng]

On 7/18/2023 at 1:53 PM, ASEANTraveler said:

So, how do I handle this is Thailand?  

 

Tell them you're married and your wife is coming back...

[yukonbob]

I had a lovely lady call me 'husband' the morning after our first encounter. She brought her sister over to meet me. I was instantly in love with the sister but she rejected me because I was her brother-in-law. Took some time but now I am just friends with these two and the rest of their family.

 

[AustinRacing]

What’s the male equivalent of a Prickteaser”?  I think you’re that. ????????????

[Mansell]

Obviously Thai women can be simple and complicated. I’m involved with a very intelligent Thai woman, which brings its own issues. She’s enjoys our times together, but is the opposite of your issue, she doesn’t want to commit to me…..she probably will eventually.
Why not see the one that interests you more than the others on a weekly basis, one date a week. You will probably learn a lot about her if you do other things together, not just dinner. Find things to do around BKK that are fun and will test you both. Take her PaintBall shooting……find a Zoo, you’ll learn a lot about her perspective on life and animals there…..find things that don’t involve overnight stays……be creative……catch a show together…..take her for Indian food, and Mexican food…..take a boat trip on the river….expose her to new ideas etc. Good luck with it all.

[swm59nj]

I  went on dates with a number of women while living in. Bangkok. To sum it up.  In any third world type country.  These women are looking for a better life.  It doesn’t matter really what you look like.  Or how extremely nice you are.  As long as you are not abusive.  They look at you as a foreigner.  And being with you or another foreigner is an advantage for them.  Especially marriage. 

 

[ASEANTraveler]

Frankly, I am surprised this post got so much traction.  ????  And if the replies keep coming, all the better!  But here at the 48 hour mark or so, I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for all the replies (even those of you who ridiculed me a bit).  I read all the comments, picking little morsels of knowledge and insight from each one.  There’s a lot of collective wisdom here in terms of “man hours” lived and experiences logged in the “man/woman” logbook.  And, of course, we all pretty much have — to one extent or another — struggled with the challenge of “thinking with the wrong head” from time to time in our lives.  So, solidarity with all of you and thank you for the advice and feedback.

[kennw]

On 7/18/2023 at 1:53 PM, ASEANTraveler said:

So, the rules of the “dating” game are clearly different here in Thailand.  I need some advice on how to handle a situation that keeps occurring to me.  Here’s what is happening:

 

Me: age 46, based in Thailand, not a bad looking guy, I come across as polite and a gentlemen (which is mostly accurate).

 

I personally do not drink alcohol or go to bars, but I do meet a variety of Thai women when out and about.  Examples include:

 

An Accountant, age 36

Hair Salon Owner, age 42

Dental Assistant, age 37

Retail Worker At A Mall, Age 43

 

When I meet these women, if I have a nice little conversation with them, I always invite them to dinner.  This is usually fairly quickly…often during our initial conversation or after a short second conversation.  I enjoy the company of a woman for dinner and always happily pay for our meals.  Dinner usually turns into a walk around the night market, a park, etc., some dessert, and more conversation into the evening.  I have made it a point to avoid sexual relations with the these women.  There has been some going back to my place and “snuggling”/“touching,” but no sex — so I am not using the women for sex.

 

The dinner dates have been great:   laughing, smiling, good conversation to the extent possible given the language barrier.  I think the woman have enjoyed the evenings as much as I have.

NOW comes the challenge.  These women seem to get “very attached” after just one date.  They say things like “will I see you tomorrow.” They text me on LINE, etc.  

 

I genuinely enjoy the dinner dates with each woman.  I would like to continue to take them out to dinner.   However, I definitely DO NOT consider them “girlfriends” right away as they seem to want, imply, and act.  I want to handle the situation in a dignified manner that does not unnecessarily hurt anyone’s feeling.

So, how do I handle this is Thailand?  

 

 

 

 

Tell them you dont have any money.

[Tropposurfer]

My experience with all of the opposite sex no matter what culture is communicating in a caring and respectful way and being clear and holding my boundaries.

 

I have found to talk kindly, directly, slowly, openly (not indulging in unspoken thinking in my head or assumptions or projection helps) to acknowledge the others desire for somethings more than I am offering or a bit to fast for me. I can simply tell the woman i am used to going more slowly and learning as a friend first.

 

I learnt to say what my intentions were right at, or near the beginning e.g. I asked you out for company to share enjoyable friendly time, to help pay the food bill (joke), because you have a kind face, or I enjoy listening to you or some, or maybe an open vulnerable sharing of 'I enjoy making, and want to make new ones and I have an idea we can be friends.

Sometimes such declaration of intentions can come during the time together when we sense a woman beginning to become a but more comely towards us and we sense/feel things are speeding up inside their heads and hearts.

These moments can be a great improver of our friendship and not at all destructive. Its amazing to me that we can say we are flattered, happy and glad that we can share so honestly with each other.

 

People have needs, sometimes neurotically driven ones, seeking codependent relationships is not uncommon amongst our species and the delicate measure of relating requires sensitivity and appreciating of not only mine but the others feelings and thinking. 

 

For some, especially men, we tell ourselves to just switch-off, be indifferent, deny our deeper needs, and in doing so never ever get to any place of deeper intimacy, 'walking away', blocking communications, etc is common.

Like you describe yourself none of these is me either.

 

 

[HandsomeTallFarang]

Sounds like you have low testosterone or you are Gay. Don't want sex at 46 lol you need to get a hormone panel done.

Edited July 19, 2023 by HandsomeTallFarang

[Paris333]

Come on man you turn the woman task clinging to women as Agatha Christie detective novels!

The first question is whether you will take the first step and especially the place because Thai as well as westerners have many males -females "professionals"........In other words if you are from West States you are a great guy /girl and if you are native you are bad guy /girl.

Their homeland is the dollar and their religion is interest.......Do you like being the hunter or the victim?

 

 

 

 

[Captain Monday]

On 7/18/2023 at 5:58 PM, GammaGlobulin said:

Just start picking your nose during dinner.

 

Or, don't bathe for a week.

Women hate it when you don't bathe.

 

And, stop changing your socks.

I think women here like a man with clean socks.

 

If all else fails, just keep telling her you don't understand her English, and ask her to repeat everything she says, five times.

 

 

Only Vals wear socks

[zzaa09]

Lots of experts here.

We're blessed.....

[GammaGlobulin]

13 minutes ago, Captain Monday said:

Only Vals wear socks

Val Kilmer is a Val, IMHO.

Or, he used to be, several decades ago.

 

 

Edited July 19, 2023 by GammaGlobulin

[BangkokReady]

12 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I wouldn't bet on that one.

Men lie, and women lie. And they expect that the other one is lying. 

Not always, but I am sure that happens often. 

If a post-wall woman is hoping to bag a foreigner, she'll likely listen to him saying he wants to take it slowly, nod and say "OK.", then message him the next day asking what time they will meet that day.

[JimTripper]

Why do you need someone there for dinner if that’s all your looking for?

[thaibeachlovers]

On 7/18/2023 at 6:53 PM, ASEANTraveler said:

There has been some going back to my place and “snuggling”/“touching,” but no sex — so I am not using the women for sex.

Rubbish.

 

“snuggling”/“touching,” is IMO a precursor to something more intimate, and by doing that you are leading those women into thinking there is something there. Then you are surprised that they say “will I see you tomorrow”. Do you not think your actions through and how it appears to them?

 

BTW, if I invited a girl out for a platonic date I'd never have expected "snuggling" to be part of it. If I “snuggled”, I'd be hoping it would lead to something more intimate.

[thaibeachlovers]

On 7/18/2023 at 7:09 PM, JeffersLos said:

The first 24 hours are vital. It entails:

 

Sh ag.

Block.

Next.

 

 

Some people need a good slapping.