PART 2 Thai Wife Being Bullied By Family

[Furioso]

12 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

You are in Thailand, do as the Thais do. The Sinsod is just for show and should be returned after the wedding. If they refuse, it is a bessing in disguies -  they didn't stick to the rules, so stop the 2,000 a month to grannie.

You're in Thailand I would listen to Neeranam's suggestion here and pay the Sinsod but whether or not they pay back the Sinsod I'd keep on paying granny, it's only 2,000 a month. You'll never earn their respect you are an ATM to them and you always will be an ATM to them. 

 

In Total you pay a one time payment of 50,000 and 24,000 a year to granny. Pretty cheap if you ask me and when they ask for any more money I would very simply say "I'm sorry I wish I had some money to give you but I don't". That will make them go away quickly. 

[novacova]

Not being there and don’t know your exact situation, though it appears your options are few but simple. You and your wife move to another province. Stay there and be miserable. Or step out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan and get yourself free.

[chickenslegs]

22 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

It's important to negotiate, you never know how the family can help in the future for you and your kids.

These are wise words.

 

My only other comment/question is - OP is considering withdrawing his 2,000 Baht each month for Granny. There is no mention that Granny is demanding more, just other family members. Why should Granny suffer due to the greed of others?

[Neeranam]

7 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I’m in my mid-30. I’m not a retiree; I don’t have the kind of money those guys do due to their station in life. So from me, 2,000 baht a month is generous, especially since it’s 2,000 baht more than I give my sick parents. That’s a large part of the problem here: the family’s perception that just because I am a “farang” that I’m loaded. I’m not. The kind of sinsod someone with this attitude would ask for is something I could not afford (as written previously they’re already implying 50,000 baht would be a pittance so I’m assuming they would ask for at least double that). 

I hear you, when I got married, 23 years ago, I was working as a teacher at a government school and was 35 . 

It's important to let them know you are not rich but they will never believe you, they will think you have a house back home or something, so the main thing is to be firm but always be polite. Saying it's against your principles is the wrong thing -  you'll need your wife's support here. It took my wife a few years to realize I had no money hidden away :) 

You'll be asked to finance business ideas etc  -  I suggest say you'd love to help but first write down the first year business projected profits and a detailed repayment plan, 9/10 times they will not do that. 

 

My father in law hated me at first and on our first meeting sat and polished his gun(retired army) but when we had kids things changed a lot. They are half of your future kids' heritage, remember that. In time, you'll grow tounderstand their way of thinking. 

[Dmaxdan]

19 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

It's 2,000 baht a month more than I give any of my in-laws. My wife and her siblings provide financial surport for their aging parents. I'm not involved at all.

 

 

 

[DudleySquat]

2 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

you'll grow tounderstand their way of thinking. 

 

Understanding and accepting their BULL<deleted> is something else. 

[Neeranam]

1 minute ago, Dmaxdan said:

It's 2,000 baht a month more than I give any of my in-laws. My wife and her siblings provide financial surport for their aging parents. I'm not involved at all.

 

 

 

I know Thais that earn 15,000 a month and give more than that. 

If their daughter married a Thai, they would help out the relatives, if a foreigner doesn't, it's a kick in the teeth. 

Even if the guy doesn't give the 2,000 baht, the wife will find a way to send something home, it's the Thai way, filial piety and all that

[Neeranam]

1 minute ago, DudleySquat said:

 

Understanding and accepting their BULL<deleted> is something else. 

What bull-deleted?

Ever heard of 'when in Rome....'?

[Neeranam]

In cultural situations, I often imagine my sister marrying a Middle Eastern guy with the long white gown. 

Imagine if he said he had no money, would anyone believe him?

Imagine if he refused to have alcohol at his wedding out of principle as in UAE they don't do that.

What would the family think?

Imagine is he refused to give Christmas presents.

 

 

[Elkski]

I say you need to talk to granny.   She is the only one who matters so find out her needs.  Find out how much the other siblings give grandma. Since your earnings are in Thailand there is no reason your share should be greater than theirs. You shoukd all agree on grandma's lifestyle and share that cost at most. 

I/we rejected the idea of sinsod and the sky didnt fall. Also the wife can invite who she wants to the wedding and feast.  It doesn't have to  be the whole village or even extended family.   Sinsod is a concept that is fast changing and none is an option.  I was steady and firm in my no sinsod stance. 

It turns out mom didnt want any but the expectations were still strong.  So my wife at first wanted it.  It was like she was torn between being sensible and the expectations. It realky caused her anguish until i had her talk to mom. Daughters wants to make the family proud. It is something Thai girls think about and talk about.  We all read about hiso weddings and see how featured the sinsod pictures and amount are. 

In the end my wife did talk to mom and she just wanted her daughter to be happy.  No more talk of sinsod. 

My wife only invited certain family not just any long lost relative was welcomed.  Also there was a strict "no taking large portions of food home" announcement beforehand.  A few gals who prepared food well inti the night took home plates for family that was at home. 

Sister had to put her lock on the meat ice cooler for 7- 10 days after the wedding (yes this is my experience with the trust in a village, mean outside dog with biring rep needed) and we fed close family for that time.  Friends came to help decorate moms house many days prior, they set up the village chairs and tents, and like 20 people including me helped prepare and butcher the 2 pigs and cook food all night long. Well I did go to bed but it was very impressive and amazing show of support for us.

The DJ was 2k, food 30k,  with 2 pigs (my urging to have lots)13k of that, flowers free from friend,  announcer 2k, 2 small chickens for tradition 400 baht.  

If family expects you to support grandma, I suggest using logic and math and asking grandma and them about their earnings, contributions and alcohol expenses.   Early in in our pre married relationship I taught my wife that if we send money to mom but 2 brothers and sister don't need to pay but they drink 200 baht each day it is us paying for their booze.  

It is past time for the sinsod tradition to die off and you are either going ro stand up or support  this disgusting concept.  

I think it was a mistake to get into a 2k/mo obligation. Why grandma?   

My wife's 40+ , not very fit or attractive roommate and HS friend in BKK was still openly dreaming  and telling me she expected  a 5 mil sinsod.  Its just part of the brainwashing that money is the ALL that sums up much of Thailand. 

 

[DudleySquat]

57 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

What bull-deleted?

Ever heard of 'when in Rome....'?

 

Utter nonsense. Take your young teenager to a country in Africa (Or Minnesota) where they still practice genital mutilation on girls. GIRLS. Now tell me all about being in Rome. 

[persimmon]

The Thai teacher I used in Patts ( quite plain looking , around 20 ish ) told me she was thinking about marriage and wanted a 4 million Bt SinSot . 

This is the problem - they think all Westerners are very rich and have heard stories and seen large mansions built by Thai wives of Foreigners .

As for the families - they are just trying it on - just as all low-lifes would . I guess 90 % of Thai women looking for a foreign husband are just after the money - anyone will do as long as they stump up the $ .

I don`t think a relationship like that would ever satisfy me .

[it is what it is]

 

i've never dated lower/working class woman, or sex worker, but those i have dated all said they would not want or need sin sot. non of my mates married to thais paid anything, it's a thai tradition that really doesn't apply these days. any thai putting such pressure on is a manipulator. up to you.

[alien365]

To share a relatively similar story with you, I live with the MIL and FIL and I give them money to buy food each month, which is about 4,000 baht now. I was about the same age as you when I started, so I'm surprised 2k per month is an issue. We never had a wedding celebration either. Anyway, the extended family were getting money from my wife until I asked why she was giving them money when they're not her responsibility. She stopped the payments and a few years after they got the MIL to sign something (she can't read), which signed her part of the family land away.

 

We've now lost that land but at the same time we have cut all ties with them. They will lose the land eventually too as they will naturally get into more debt and be left with nothing, which is what they deserve. I've been more of a family to my wife and her mum than her blood relatives will ever be. There's no real regrets from my wife as she now knows who they really are: parasites. From stopping the money she sent to the extended family, we've now saved about 400,000 baht over the last 10 years. 

 

If your wife does get cut out of the inheritance, there's a potential you will save more from parting ways with them anyway. Claws will be out when there's money to be had after a death and they won't play nicely. 

[Yellowtail]

Blood is thicker than water. 

[HighPriority]

I read all the above and while some of it seems reasonable I can’t help but think that some is written by people who have no relationships in the old country and no relationships in Thailand…

Some whose idea of a relationship is P4P.

My wife also thought I was fabulously rich (and hansum) but she’s learning.

Her family are good solid hard working people and when I’m in country they treat me well.

You need limits but you also need the family onside, I can’t imagine many Thai girls willing or able to walk away from family, good luck…

[Elkski]

What does blood and water have to do with it?

If grandma owns land perhaps she would agree to sell your wife some prime section for those monthly payments as would be fair.  Then see how things change. 

You either like the idea of sinsod or you be a man and say no!  Old tradition had women topless. 

[DudleySquat]

I am still waiting for the Rome answer from @Neeranam

[OneMoreFarang]

10 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

I already compromised by agreeing to the monthly payments. That’s me accepting a “good part of Thai reality.” I’m not the party in this situation that has the “my way or the highway” attitude, which is my overall point. 

You have to live with what you do.

If you feel comfortable with the way you live and the way your wife and her family live "together" with you, then go ahead.

 

Personally, I sometimes think like: If I pay 1000B more to make them happy, and that saves me headache for x amount of time, is it worth it?

We live in Thailand with lots of Thai people. At the end it's their country and their traditions.

[Irish star]

2 Hour Rule , don’t live closer to the beggars 

[DudleySquat]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

You have to live with what you do.

If you feel comfortable with the way you live and the way your wife and her family live "together" with you, then go ahead.

 

Personally, I sometimes think like: If I pay 1000B more to make them happy, and that saves me headache for x amount of time, is it worth it?

We live in Thailand with lots of Thai people. At the end it's their country and their traditions.

Traditions? Italy has a tradition of Mafia that moved to America.  So what if it is a tradition?  It's a bad one.

[DudleySquat]

I'm surprised no one challenged me on my reference to Minnesota.  During the time of Obama, he moved all the Somalis to Minnesota, which is why we have that piece of <deleted> Ilhan Omar as a representative in Congress. 

 

Some Somali doctors, yes, real doctors in America, were performing genital mutilation on young Somali girls in Minnesota.

 

Cultural enrichment, folks.  It's a tradition.  Offer up your children if you are so LEFT inclined, and maybe the nice Somali MD will use some lidocaine when surgical removes your daughter's clitoris. 

 

Lovely that. 

[ROGER DUNN]

Stand Up to these “ Toxic “ People otherwise they will think you are Weak and Will keep on taking Advantage of you!!

[Neeranam]

9 hours ago, persimmon said:

I guess 90 % of Thai women looking for a foreign husband are just after the money

I'd say that's about right, Thai generally don't like farang.

[Neeranam]

8 hours ago, DudleySquat said:

I am still waiting for the Rome answer from @Neeranam

huh?

[Neeranam]

9 hours ago, it is what it is said:

 

i've never dated lower/working class woman, or sex worker, but those i have dated all said they would not want or need sin sot. non of my mates married to thais paid anything, it's a thai tradition that really doesn't apply these days. any thai putting such pressure on is a manipulator. up to you.

Why would you date a sex-worker?

 

[Expat68]

Just to say I feel really sorry for you and your wife. The Thai family is very strong, far stronger than from the West, I had the same problem but it pales into insignificant to what you both are going through, as they were never toxic 

[stoner]

9 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

9 hours ago, DudleySquat said:

I am still waiting for the Rome answer from @Neeranam

huh?

 

he originally asked you about when in rome do as and gave an example of do as. which you have yet to reply to. i think that is what he is getting at.

 

so original question is ....hypothetically....yes we are aware you would never go there etc bla bla bla..... if you were living there would you respect local culture and perform genital mutilation on your daughter. to respect the locals and all. 

[stoner]

2 minutes ago, Expat68 said:

The Thai family is very strong, far stronger than from the West

 

hogwash. what metric is used to determine if a family is stronger ? thai do a good job of convincing people this is the case. like many other things here. 

[Thingamabob]

11 hours ago, Lacessit said:

It does not mean one has to accept every Thai tenet that comes along.

 

A couple of years ago, I had a culture clash with my GF. Our dog was dying slowly and painfully from cancer. I wanted to do the merciful thing, and get him euthanased. She said no, against her religion.

After thinking about it, I told her I was going back to the condo. If you do not have him put down, I don't want to see you for a couple of months.

Two days later, she phoned me to say a vet had put the dog down.

 

She was very distressed, saying she had done a bad thing. Over time, I have managed to convince her what she did was merciful.

It never ceases to amaze me how many otherwise rational people are f@cked in the head by religion.

Apologies if off topic.

 

What religion are you referring to ? Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion. Sadly in Thailand it has morphed into idol worship, with some very strange outcomes. If most Thais are Buddhists, why are they killing and eating animals, but objecting to euthanasia ? Very strange, but as foreigners we have to accept that's the way things are here. We should, however, hold our own when it comes to certain issues relating to our personal lives eg marriage, work and money.