PART 2 Thai Wife Being Bullied By Family

[Dan O]

22 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

I already compromised by agreeing to the monthly payments. That’s me accepting a “good part of Thai reality.” I’m not the party in this situation that has the “my way or the highway” attitude, which is my overall point. 

Your compromise is more than appropriate and more than they would have if you didn't.  Many thais have heard the stories of rich foreigners that give lots of money and build houses etc and expect all foreigners are the same, Which we are not. 

 

 

[geisha]

The only way is to put your foot down once and for all. Tell them subject closed. 2000B , no more talk, or you stop the payment completely. Don’t argue, don’t explain, and your wife must say the same thing and refuse any other exchanges on the subject. 

[Bday Prang]

I'm still a bit unsure of the make up of this toxic family, there has been no mention of the mother or father in law , are they still alive?   The perpetrator of the unpleasantness seems to be a rather nasty aunt.    Perhaps you and your wife could speak to your in laws and explain if this woman continues to make trouble you would have no option but to move away leaving them with nothing ?  Divide and rule so to speak,  Could you communicate with your father in law man to man, he may well be more reasonable than the nasty bitch.. 

           Many families seem to have an unpleasant mouthy female somewhere  in the midst, one bad apple can spoil the rest, she needs dealing with first   

[Banana7]

I recommend that you and your wife reduce the communications from the toxic sources (TS). Do not accept any calls from TS. If a call is accepted inadvertently, tell them you are too busy to talk now, are driving a vehicle and may call back, or maybe talk later, etc.. Don't accept meetings from TS, tell them any excuse: you have other plans, too busy, not feeling well, are watching TV, working in the garden, washing clothes, whatever, etc..

 

Overall, you are in complete control of your mind and body, you decide how you will feel and behave. Others will try to influence your feelings and behaviour but you are 100% in control of your person, no one else. Only allow those people, to communicate with you, who make your life better and support you. Surround yourself with positive, supportive, like minded people. You decide what is right and wrong and accept responsibility for your actions.

 

As for granny, I would take a logical detailed approach. How many children does she have and how many grandchildren? Determine each child's and grandchild's earnings per month. The children should contribute the most since they are the closest, lets say 5% of their monthly wages. Grandchildren contribute 50% of the percentage of the children, so 2.5% of monthly wages, if there are great grandchildren with jobs, 1.25% of wages. This seems like a fair equitable way to help the elderly. If this doesn't work, I like what another person said in this thread: have granny change her Will to leave everything to your wife in exchange for the 2K monthly payment or some other fair mechanism that compensates you and your wife relative to your contribution to granny.

 

Basically, what I wrote in paragraph 1&2, is what my girlfriend did when her relatives said many of the same things as your wife is experiencing. Many years ago, I took my girlfriend to a Buddhist monastery for 10 days of mediation, to cleanse her mind and body, which helped her get rid of the toxic thoughts and find the right direction of her choosing. Now, more than 10 years later, she's still with me, quite happy.

 

I have never given money to her relatives. There are dozens of reasons why they needed money, but they always found other sources for the required funds, or the need disappeared or they were able to continue living without the funds.

 

 

[thefarangteacher]

12 hours ago, Banana7 said:

I recommend that you and your wife reduce the communications from the toxic sources (TS). Do not accept any calls from TS. If a call is accepted inadvertently, tell them you are too busy to talk now, are driving a vehicle and may call back, or maybe talk later, etc.. Don't accept meetings from TS, tell them any excuse: you have other plans, too busy, not feeling well, are watching TV, working in the garden, washing clothes, whatever, etc..

 

Overall, you are in complete control of your mind and body, you decide how you will feel and behave. Others will try to influence your feelings and behaviour but you are 100% in control of your person, no one else. Only allow those people, to communicate with you, who make your life better and support you. Surround yourself with positive, supportive, like minded people. You decide what is right and wrong and accept responsibility for your actions.

 

As for granny, I would take a logical detailed approach. How many children does she have and how many grandchildren? Determine each child's and grandchild's earnings per month. The children should contribute the most since they are the closest, lets say 5% of their monthly wages. Grandchildren contribute 50% of the percentage of the children, so 2.5% of monthly wages, if there are great grandchildren with jobs, 1.25% of wages. This seems like a fair equitable way to help the elderly. If this doesn't work, I like what another person said in this thread: have granny change her Will to leave everything to your wife in exchange for the 2K monthly payment or some other fair mechanism that compensates you and your wife relative to your contribution to granny.

 

Basically, what I wrote in paragraph 1&2, is what my girlfriend did when her relatives said many of the same things as your wife is experiencing. Many years ago, I took my girlfriend to a Buddhist monastery for 10 days of mediation, to cleanse her mind and body, which helped her get rid of the toxic thoughts and find the right direction of her choosing. Now, more than 10 years later, she's still with me, quite happy.

 

I have never given money to her relatives. There are dozens of reasons why they needed money, but they always found other sources for the required funds, or the need disappeared or they were able to continue living without the funds.

 

 

Very encouraging advice thank you. It’s hard for her to ignore the gossip, especially when it is repeated back to her by family members she trusts, but we are working on it. She has allies but there are less of them than ones who are happy to say nasty things. 

[thefarangteacher]

13 hours ago, geisha said:

The only way is to put your foot down once and for all. Tell them subject closed. 2000B , no more talk, or you stop the payment completely. Don’t argue, don’t explain, and your wife must say the same thing and refuse any other exchanges on the subject. 

That was made clear from the onset. But of course, talk of money has only continued, and now we have this situation to deal with. I did tell my wife back when this deal was arranged that this would happen, and I think as a result she’s more inclined to listen  to my advice. 

[thefarangteacher]

15 hours ago, kennypowers said:

They have your wife's emotions at ransom. They will constantly emotionally blackmail her with reports of neighbors gossiping, her cultural disrespect to her family, not fulfilling her daughter duties, etc. They can't bear the thought that their expectations of their daughter having a "farang" partner have not come to fruition; not the cash cow they expected.

 

They can't get past their selfishness and narcissism to simply be happy that their daughter has found real love and happiness. They aren't mature enough to acknowledge that they have had their lives, that they are responsible for their lives: their happiness, choices and opportunities – not your wife. They use all the excuses in the world to avoid taking personal accountability.

 

They would rather your wife be stressed, depressed and struggling financially so that they can tell the village how much money their daughter sends home, and show off all the goods they bought with the money – goods that they didn't in any way earn. They would rather she loses you and ends up alone. This type of Thai parent is sadly all too common. So many daughters' lives are plagued with this sense of duty that destroys their happiness. 

 

Sadly your wife will continue to suffer the trauma of family enmeshment, unless she is able to develop a very thick skin. Cutting them off completely is not really an option, since this will eat your wife from the inside out. The best way to manage these people is to treat them as they are, like children. Don't get into arguments or entertain any of the emotional immaturity. They love the drama, and feed off it. Don't get dragged down to their level.

 

Any attention is good attention; just like a child. Establish clear boundaries. Be direct and truthful, calmly and politely. Pull them up when they are misbehaving, and let them know the potential consequences.  In essence, take full control. As children, they will naturally begin to gravitate towards and obey an adult who provides fair, consistent discipline. Let them know full well that village gossip and losing face are of no concern to you, as you are above such a childish mentality. Your wife must tell them that she has her own family now, and her priority is to nurture that family. Moreover, that her husband is in control of the family finances and who he gives money to is at his discretion. 

 

Sin sod is common and still very much part of the marriage tradition. But take the lead as I have described. Remember, it must also be agreed by your parents, not just hers. Will it be just for show? Will it be returned? Will it be kept? If so, spent on what? And yes, you can state that since you are sending money home, adhering to a "so-called part of the culture", where Sin Sod is concerned, you will be taking the Western approach and not entertaining this custom. A fair compromise. 

 

Good luck to you both. 

 

 

I showed my wife this comment and it helped clarify some things for her, so thank you. 

[kennypowers]

7 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

I showed my wife this comment and it helped clarify some things for her, so thank you. 

You're welcome. All the best for 2024!