Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

[Jai Dee]

Read this (or say it out loud) in your best Kiwi accent...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You're as sharp as a tack today Jai Dee

[Jai Dee]

Three Aussies - Steve, Bruce and Bluey - were working on a high-rise building project.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says: "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey said: "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce said: "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replied.

"That's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said: "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said: "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Three Aussies - Steve, Bruce and Bluey - were working on a high-rise building project.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says: "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey said: "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce said: "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replied.

"That's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said: "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said: "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Jai Dee]

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.........

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[Jai Dee]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You'll be better on a Malvern Star

Bruce Small

[Jai Dee]

One from our friends across the Tasman...

Read the Q & A at the bottom of this... there are some very odd people out there.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Not 'arf as friendly as accommodating sheep

[LindsayBKK]

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a

free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ######. We come from

many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and

although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to

bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's

Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is

the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big

horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that

"it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it

is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar ,thin

books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has

more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its

mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to

keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family

that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra

chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest

faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the

Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of

foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where

else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in

Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the

Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One

drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim

to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the

men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last

state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the

government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep

stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty

kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere

on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of

anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national

culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our

way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document

defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God

probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next??

Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists

and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our

lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy

when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better

than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political

party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still

not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave

that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right

mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So

what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love

sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race

and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all

the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting,

two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies,

the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known

universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little

people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are Australian.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ok Axel I have seen it 3 times already!

[TizMe]

And I said: "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

This is obviously a fictional tale...

No self respecting Aussie drinks Fosters.

[Narachon]

I can't wait for The Veronicas to play Radio City Music Hall...... Talented Sheilas they are.....

[Jai Dee]

A happy Aussie bloke was singing and doing a bushdance one day.

Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"WALTZING MATILDA...WALTZING MATILDA" he sang.

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing.

So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Aussie's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"WALTZING MATILDA...WALTZING MATILDA" he sang.

What the ??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Aussie guy could still operate with less than a full brain.

So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"WALTZING MATILDA...WALTZING MATILDA" he sang.

WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Aussies are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Aussie's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the bloke began to do the HAKA and sing:

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KA-ORA...KAMATE..."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Bloody great

[Jai Dee]

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce - here's the &lt;deleted&gt; idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.  John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly.  John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. 

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.  Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.  He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce - here's the &lt;deleted&gt; idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Again................

[udon]

Here's a famous Aussie.....

The Rheem Man

Play it LOUD!

[Jai Dee]

Here's a famous Aussie.....

The Rheem Man

Play it LOUD! 

Good one udon... I haven't heard that one in years...

He's got a way with words hey?

[udon]

He's turned a naughty word into an art form

[Jai Dee]

Here's another "national moment"... do you remember?

[udon]

This one is service oriented too.

Jarrod Byrne exists, sadly the mine closed in 2001

-----------

Quote:

Jarrod Byrne

Underground Maintenance Planner

Bounty Gold Mine, Mt Holland

Forrestania, Western Australia

Tel (090) 394 527, Fax (090) 394 528

Nissan Motor Co (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

C/O 244 Welshpool Rd, Welshpool

W.A. 6106

ATTENTION: Mr Neville Green, General Manager — National Parts

Dear Sir,

I would like to bring to your attention some serious faults in Nissan Motor Co in regard to parts availability, lead times and pricing. Currently we have a Nissan W40 Civilian bus that we cannot use to transport staff to and from the mine. The reason this bus is not operational is not labour or condition related, it is because of a denial on the part of yourself and Nissan Motor Co to adequately supply your clientele with parts. I give you the example of the following items:

ITEM PART NUMBER QUANTITY BEGGED FOR

Nut NI-40208-00221 10

Washer NI-40208-82100 10

Seal-Oil NI-48252-32100 2

Wheel Rim NI-40800-99071 2

Drum Brake NI-40206-T8100 2

Hub Bolt NI-40222-J5625 10

Brake Shoes NI-43060-T9627 1

Nut NI-40224-J5610 10

Nut NI-48226-J5610 10

Of these items I tried to purchase, only 3 are available in W.A. It stretches the bounds of credulity that items such as wheel nuts (a consumable in most of the known world) are available with a lead time of 4 days-ex east. What resoundingly snaps the bounds of credulity clean in half is that items such as brake shoes are ex Japan (6 weeks). I cannot deny the effectiveness of these components, they not only slow the bus down, they have the ability to stop it stone fcking dead for 6 weeks! I didn't even bother enquiring availability on such complicated parts such as washers etc. — the only washers in stock would be — Washer? Wind fck out of this customer and tell him it's ex east.

On the rare occasion we have been delivered parts within an acceptable time period, they have been entirely wrong. It is not that the wrong parts are ordered, it is that some of your parts interpreters are so green I couldn't set them on fire with petrol.

These are not isolated incidents, they occur every time we try to purchase parts, from $10.00 hoses, at $109.40 each, through to internal gearbox components that are second only to thermonuclear warheads in their capacity to annihlate all that surrounds them.

It is astounding that in this day of interstate air and road transport at least 6 times a day, you peanuts take 4 days to get a part across the country. May I suggest you stop freighting the parts with Nissan transport vehicles as the 3 week delay in Nissan's 24 hr roadside assist is becoming too much for us to bear.

I could elaborate on the complete frustration I feel from trying to keep the bus on the road safely. Suffice to say the bus driver now has a firm belief in the afterlife and we haven't ruled out danger money for the position.

Please don't get me wrong, I could handle the first 35 times of being fcked around, (the apologetic kiss from customer support was always welcome). Now that you've turned it into a bizarre form of sado-masochism complete with scratching and biting, I feel I have to complain...

I look forward to discussing every single frustrating event of the past 8 months with you.

I SINCERELY HOPE YOU CRUNTS NEVER BUILD PLANES

Yours in utter amazement,

Jarrod Byrne

CC. MR JOHN COSTELLO MANAGER, FLEET AND SPECIAL MARKETS, NISSAN AUSTRALIA

MR BRUCE ANDERSON MINE MANAGER, NORMANDY MINING

MR IAN BIRD U/G MANAGER, NORMANDY MINING

MR DEAN HUGHES U/G MAINTENANCE ENGINEER, NORMANDY MINING

MS JAN EVANS SITE SECETARY, NORMANDY MINING

MR ROBERT WHITING PURCHASING OFFICER, NORMANDY MINING

MR ANDREW MOSES OWNER, HOLLETON EARTHMOVING

MR PETER CUE OWNER, WORKFORCE PLANT HIRE

MR HARVEY KING REGIONAL MANAGER, MONADELPHOUS

MR ALEX COOPER DIVISIONAL MANAGER, MONADELPHOUS

MR RAY MILLER TECH. SUPPORT SUPERVISOR, MONADELPHOUS

MR REX ANDREWS CHIEF PURCHASING OFFICER, MONODELPHOUS

MR EDDY LOK MECHANICAL SUPERVISOR , MONODELPHOUS

MR JOHN ECKHART FABRICATION SUPERVISOR, MONODELPHOUS

MR PATRICK McKENNA STATE CONTRACTS MANAGER, ATLAS COPCO

MR TED CORDINA PERTH SERVICE MANAGER, ATLAS COPCO

MR GERRY O'CONNOR CONTRACTS SUPERVISOR, ATLAS COPCO

MR ALEC TYRELL CONTRACTS SUPERVISOR, ATLAS COPCO

MR MICHAEL GANT WORKSHOP SUPERVISOR — PERTH, ATLAS COPCO

AND

EVERY PERSON I TALK TO BETWEEN NOW AND WHEN I GET SOME SATISFACTION

[Jai Dee]

Bungee jumping Aussi style...

Bungee.wmv

[Artisi]

"Good one"

[tuky]

Bungee jumping Aussi style... 

Bungee.wmv

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't lose ya head?

[chuchok]

Bungee jumping Aussi style... 

Bungee.wmv

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't lose ya head?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Interesting really, the Ocker in question came out with a higher IQ after this incident.

[skylar]

And I said: "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is obviously a fictional tale...

No self respecting Aussie drinks Fosters.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Quite right. We don't drink that shit, we export it to the UK.

[Jai Dee]

Don't ever let Prince Charles get married AGAIN!

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe.

3. The Pope died.

4. Australia lost the Ashes.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe.

3. The Pope died.

4. Australia lost the Ashes.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Here's a famous Aussie.....

The Rheem Man

Play it LOUD! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A bloody ripper ( and a new one on me )

[udon]

Here's a famous Aussie.....

The Rheem Man

Play it LOUD! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A bloody ripper ( and a new one on me )

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's been around for years, Doc, but it's the first copy I've heard that includes his address.

It sure is genuine ......

He now teaches English somewhere in Thailand.

Edited October 13, 2005 by udon