Worst Joke Ever

[CantSpell]

Pranked my wife this morning...

Just changed the position of all the eggs in the egg box she just bought..

Now she won't know which are which 

[scottiejohn]

10 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

Pranked my wife this morning...

Just changed the position of all the eggs in the egg box she just bought..

Now she won't know which are which 

Stop egging her on as you will just scramble her brain cell!

PS; Are you hen pecked by any chance or just Chicken?

Edited November 9, 2017 by scottiejohn
Laying more comments!

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

What else could it be except "suck me in the arm tonight"?

[MrMuddle]

Paddy and his girlfriend are kissing and cuddling, on the sofa. She whispers in his ear "I think we should take this upstairs".
"OK", says Paddy "you take one end".....

[nausea]

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

What else could it be except "suck me in the arm tonight"?

Haven't a clue, let's try the old "running through the alphabet" method - a  no, b buck?, c no, d duck?, e no, f... ah!

Edited November 11, 2017 by nausea
Spelling

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two tall trees, one a beech the other a birch, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

One tall tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other tall tree says it cannot tell.

Then one day a woodpecker lands on the small tree.

One tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch."

 

 

"That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The pretty teacher was concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,

"George, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I’m in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But, George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is?

It’s true that I would like a husband of my own some day. But I don’t want a child." "Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly,

 

 

"I’ll use a rubber."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The wealthy old man looked around the table at his sons and daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh.

"Why, I’ll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee.

Now, let’s say grace."

 

"When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two fleas met in this woman’s belly button and decided to explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week, one headed north while the other went south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. "I had a great time," reported the flea who had ventured north. "There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley."

"I had a hell of a time," sighed the other flea. "First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn’t the worst of it:

 

Every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face."

[scottiejohn]

[White Christmas13]

Golden Syrup....... Brilliant !!!!

 

a man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:

 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

 

 

 

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

 

 

 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An Ode Entitled "I have outlived my pecker". (So funny and sad but eventually true!)

 

My n*okie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now just my water spout.

 

Time was when. on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I have a full time job,

To find the f**ing thing.

 

It used to be embarrassing.

The way it would behave.

For every single morning.

It would stand and watch me shave.

 

Now as old age approaches

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang it's little head.

And watch me dry my toes.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"So I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful, can I join you in that bunk?"'

 

I believe , he sat up all night watching me as there was no more snoring."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The prime minister of Israel invited the Pope to play a game of golf, and since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice.

"Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the prime minister you’re sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness’s request, Nicklaus agreed to represent him on the links. The Pope, again on the advice of his staff, appointed him a cardinal to make the arrangement seem more legitimate.

"So how’d you do?" he asked eagerly when Nicklaus returned to the Vatican.

"I came in second," was the reply.

"Second! You mean to tell me the prime minister of Israel beat you?" howled the Pope.

"No, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

 

"Rabbi Palmer with his caddie Rabbi Woods did."

[scottiejohn]

As you may have realised by now I do like my puns, as the Actress said to the Bishop!

 

Edited November 14, 2017 by scottiejohn
Typo!

[nausea]

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Unless we're living in an ancestor simulation, of course.

[scottiejohn]

But who is saying what to whom in this simulating conversation?


Sent from my MotoG3 using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

5 hours ago, riceyummm said:

I've got that Deja Vu feeling again! 

See post 7608 page 508!

[tifino]

6 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I've got that Deja Vu feeling again! 

See post 7608 page 508!

 

it's a Medical joke - so I'd call it a '2nd Opinion'

 

 

or a Relapse

[scottiejohn]

27 minutes ago, tifino said:

 

it's a Medical joke - so I'd call it a '2nd Opinion'

 

 

or a Relapse

In that case it may just be indigestion and he is just repeating himself.

It is certainly putting the wind up me with all this waffling around!

Edited November 15, 2017 by scottiejohn