Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

21 hours ago, wayned said:

Not if your dogs are Golden or Labrador Retrievers!

I beg your forgiveness for not paws-ing for thought before posting such a dog's dinner of an offering.

I shall now retire to the dog house hurt and order a non Korean meal as all dogs and doggie bags are now off my menu.

[gentman]

What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline and a politician?

 

You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline. 

[scottiejohn]

10 hours ago, gentman said:

What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline and a politician?

 

You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline. 

Why you don't need a trampoline if you are a politician!

Every time one opens its mouth it;

 

Turns everything on its head

Performs somersaults on every topic/question or answer

Forever spring up and down with new (read regurgitated) ideas

Always think they are above everyone else

They all sag in the middle

As they get older they loose their bounce, and appeal.

Would you take one to bed?

 

[scottiejohn]

And a few more political thoughts!

 

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Politicians and diapers (nappies) have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

My favourite mythical creature? The honest politician.

 

Republicans & Democrats (Labour & Conservative) are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their kids well-being.

 

Trump should not have said "sh*t-hole countries". The correct term is "turd-world countries".

[Daffy D]

Turtle power
*************

An elephant walking along a river bank noticed a turtle and booted it across the river. A passing giraffe asked "why did you do that?"

 The elephant said "47 years ago that turtle bit a chunk out of my trunk."

 "That's some damn good memory you have" said the giraffe,

 the elephant replied "turtle recall"
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Whale of a time
*****************

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. 

 He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

 They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.  Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

 The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." 

 At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Same , Same!
****************

when you are dead, you don't know that you are dead.
It's difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you are stupid!

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sex is good, sex is fine;

Doggy style or 69;

Just for fun or getting paid;

Everyone just loves getting laid;

So if you want me in the sack;

Lick your lips and text me back.

Happy Valentine's day!

(When it comes!)

[scottiejohn]

Edited February 12, 2018 by scottiejohn

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

Very illuminating.  You could always "post" the original letters here, after that "awful" flame of posting, to see if they are just as bad/good!

 

 

 

[fasteddie]

[CantSpell]

[Ron19]

 

[owl sees all]

Edited February 13, 2018 by owl sees all
words

[owl sees all]

[Andrew Dwyer]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[billd766]

2 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

I can't see the image. Sorry.

[riceyummm]

[fasteddie]

50 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

Oh 27331904_1820332328259206_6368317216685273856_n.jpg?.....I get it now

[MrMuddle]

The wife has been missing for a week now.

The Police have told me to expect the worst.

So I've been to the Charity shop, to get all of her clothes back.

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[MJCM]

President Trump was walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, "Mickey Mouse!"

This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, "Donald, duck!"

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

Edited February 17, 2018 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]