Worst Joke Ever

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Is God Real?

An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor.

He hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The football player replied,

 

"God was busy; so he sent me to show you how real he and his power is!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down very angry and confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispered, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,

"Walk with pppride man walk with <deleted> pride man! Keep on walking with pride but do it gently.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

"No way" said Jane  ……….

 

"He never returns with any fish and stinks of beer."

[scottiejohn]

[MrMuddle]

What's the difference between acne and a priest ?

Acne doesn't come on your face, until you're 14......

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, MrMuddle said:

What's the difference between acne and a priest ?

Acne doesn't come on your face, until you're 14......

Bu*ger me.  I must confess that it was a good "observation", well spotted!

Come together and lets see if we can squeeze a few more pithy comments out on this subject.

Edited May 17, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

 

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Then, all the other bells started to ring.

 

[scottiejohn]

A priest and a rabbi exit out of a bar and see a ten year old boy.

The priest says "Let's screw him!" and the rabbi says

 

"Out of what?"

[sanemax]

Just now, scottiejohn said:

A priest and a rabbi exit out of a bar and see a ten year old boy.

The priest says "Let's screw him!" and the rabbi says

 

"Out of what?"

Jokes about sex with 10 year old boys shouldnt be allowed

[scottiejohn]

12 minutes ago, sanemax said:

Jokes about sex with 10 year old boys shouldnt be allowed

The jokes, the sex or both?

 

 

 

Edited May 17, 2018 by scottiejohn

[CantSpell]

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl....

 

Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

 

[chickenslegs]

7 hours ago, sanemax said:

Jokes about sex with 10 year old boys shouldnt be allowed

The joke is about the Priest and the Rabbi.

[billd766]

18 hours ago, sanemax said:

Jokes about sex with 10 year old boys shouldnt be allowed

 

Where does it mention sex with a 10 year old boy?

 

Oh that's right, you mentioned it first.

 

Everybody else got the joke?

Edited May 18, 2018 by billd766
added extra text

[CantSpell]

Too lazy to type it all so here it is, in pictures..

Good man this husband 

 

 

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband/offspring is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that tyhe just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time each year is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A girl was a prostitute, but obviously she didn't want any of her family to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied,

 

"Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

Edited May 21, 2018 by CantSpell

[transam]

Bloke noticed he had a lettuce leaf growing out of his bum..So goes to the Doc's..

 

"Doc, I have a lettuce leaf growing out of my bum"...

 

Doc has a look...

 

"Hmmmm, and that's only the tip of the iceberg"....