Worst Joke Ever

[lost_in_space]

Is there another word for synonym?

[warfie]

Is there another word for synonym?

equivalent, metonym

[warfie]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and all four to sue the ladder company.

[laislica]

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the student said loud enough for others to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with light speed.... and many more."

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows.

"You're right son. We didn't have those things when we were young....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh*t what are you doing for the next generation?

The applause was amazing!

[yourauntbob]

Son: Dad, what does "politics" mean?

Dad: Well son, lets use our house as an example. I am the bread winner in the house so I represent "capitalism". Your mother is in charge of what happens here so we will consider her the "government". The maid works for your mother and I so we will call her "the working class". You are our responsibility so we will call you the "people". Your little brother is the "future", go think about that and see if you understand.

That night the son wakes up in the middle of the night hearing his little brother crying because he needs a new diaper. He goes to his parents room and finds his mom sound asleep. He then goes to the maids room and looks through the keyhole only to see his dad having sex with the maid. Frustrated the boy went back to sleep.

The next day the father asks his son if he understands politics now. The little boy replies "I understand now. While capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is asleep, the people are ignored, and the future's in deep sh!t"

Edited February 14, 2013 by yourauntbob

[laislica]

‎'Hope you have a better Valentines Day than me.

Booked a table for two now she tells me she hates snooker! <deleted>

[mca]

A man walks into a bar.

I bet that hurt.

[mca]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

[laislica]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

Don't give up your day job.....

[warfie]

I'm selling my pet python on ebay.

Some guy just called and asked how big it was. i told him it was massive.

He asked, "how many feet?" I said, "none, it's a snake."

[GooEng]

The past, the present and the future all walked into a bar together.

It was tense.

[Ron19]

A Valentine's Day poem:

Roses are red

Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on

Oscar Pistorious.

Lawyers seem to think he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[laislica]

A Valentine's Day poem:

Roses are red

Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on

Oscar Pistorious.

Lawyers seem to think he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

A Valentine's Day poem:

Roses are red

Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on

Oscar Pistorious.

Lawyers seem to think he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

A bit of an explanation required here pse.

When roses are red, the're ready for plucking

when girls are 16, there ready for, Goodnight Folks.....

That got Max Miler banned from the BBC (again)

He did say that as he made his way across a very narrow bridge,

He met a beautiful young girl coming towards him.

He didn't know whether to block per passage

or toss himself off.

Banned, again - baad boy or what

[TomTao]

Did I already tell the joke about Alzheimers...?

What's Alzheimerâs?

A great way to meet new friends everyday.

Edited February 21, 2013 by TomTao

[laislica]

My 13-year-old son came home from school today and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied, "What is it?"

He said, "There's a pretty girl in my class who keeps flirting with me. She has great tits and is dirty as hell, but she has a boyfriend. What would you do if you were in my situation?"

"About 4 years in prison."

[laislica]

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'

[laislica]

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"

[laislica]

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[laislica]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

[laislica]

While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"
The second man replies "<deleted> off, towelhead"

[laislica]

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?

Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened

[laislica]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[laislica]

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

[riceyummm]

A newly ordained, naive priest gets assigned to a city parish that happens to include the local "red light" district. After few days go by getting acquainted with the parish staff and grounds, he decides to spend an afternoon walking around the parish getting to know the neighborhood.

Walking down one street, he's approached by a "professional" girl who asks him, "Hey father..how about a b**w j*b? Just 5 bucks." Completely flustered the young priest politely refuses the sales pitch and continues walking. Turning onto the main avenue, another "pro" makes the same offer.."Hey father...5 bucks for a b**w j*b...how 'bout it?" Again the flummoxed priest refuse the woman and turns to walk back to the church. A third woman makes the same offer, the priest refuses and quickens his pace, getting to the rectory just in time for dinner.

After telling his story at dinner, while helping to clear the table, the young priest priest leans in and whispers into the Mother Superior's ear, "Mother Superior...what's a "b**w j*b?" The older nun answers, "5 bucks...same as downtown."

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

1. Dating pointers from a SCOTSMAN
   
   

   A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.bs2ehl..

   
   

   "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

   
   Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
   
   So, they walked past it again...

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]