Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[autan]

Thai Traffic Cop : Excuse me Sir, do you know what speed you were doing.

Farang : I think it started with a "2", 2 Fast & 2 Furious.

Thai Traffic Cop : Yes lets

Farang : (200 bath lighter) I would have paid him 20 baht ten years ago. This place gets more corrupt every day.

Thai Traffic Cop : They dont even bother to bater anymore. hahaha

[autan]

Farang with caught with Drugs: It seems goods idea at the time.

[maidu]

Thai driver: "If the wait at an intersection is over a minute, I'll turn off my engine. That will lessen the amount of smog emitted."

Thai driver: "I'm going to buck the trend, and actually make a bit wider arc when turning right, instead of coming in behind the vehicle waiting on the right side. But wait a doggone minute. He's on the right of his side street where it meets the intersection, whereas he should be on the left (in theory, Thais drive on the left, don't they?). So my plan to drive safely and sensibly won't work, unless other drivers also drive considerately. Oh well, forget it."

Thai driver: "I'm going to buck the trend, and actually stay in my lane when driving on a curved road, particularly on 'blind corners.' But wait a cotton picken' minute, other Thai drivers don't stay in their lanes, so it often forces me to drive out of my lane also. Aw well, I reckon I won't be able to adjust my driving habits to be safer. Maybe next year."

Thai driver: "Oh my, I see and hear an ambulance behind me, I'm going to pull over. Or maybe not. No one else is pulling over, so why should I be the oddball. Plus, there may not really be an injured person in the ambulance, it's probably just some young punks wanting to play a prank to get in front of this traffic jam. Plus, even if there is someone injured in the ambulance, it's probably not anyone I know or care about. Mai pen rai, if they bleed to death. Maybe their karma hit a dogma and went off the roadma."

Thai city planner: Instead of setting the intersection traffic lights at a 120 second full cycle, I'll set them at a 90 second cycle - that will preclude the wasted ten seconds at end of each of the four sub-cycles where no vehicles enter the intersection, and vehicles in three other directions won't have to wait and watch an empty intersection. Ten seconds doesn't sound like much, but it adds up. In a 24 hour period, that's six hours less waiting than is needed to move traffic through the intersection. Six hours of not idling and looking at an empty intersection.

Thai city planner: How about a right turn lane with a designated arrow light? Instead of the current policy - where only one lane out of four moves at any one time. Right turn lanes would enable two opposing lanes to move straight through concurrently, with a few seconds then allocated for right turns, also concurrently with each other. Much more traffic could pass through intersections.

[DocN]

You can put it anywhere Mr. But if you put it where it really fits nice and tight, then you'll have to park your car on the 8th floor and take the stairs.

...and I was thinking....I am a bad boy!

[draftvader]

"Somchai, where is that time and motion study?"

[draftvader]

"If we read the manufacturers limits for this trolley truck then we would discover that we are putting 3 times the recommended amount of trolleys onto it. This is why, during the same turn we make each day, we slowly but surely bend every trolley in this supermarket so that the front right (or left depending on your supermarket's layout) wheel floats off the ground and all our trolleys are near useless in 3 months from new. Shall we read the limits?"

[canuckamuck]

Every year its the same thing, when the World Curling Championships are on, the whole country shuts down.

[beerchang]

Farang to Thai wife... "Just popping out to see the mia noi"

[Payboy]

We better check whether what we are about to do is legal.

[brit1984]

We better check whether what we are about to do is legal.

We better check...

[Geekfreaklover]

Newbie Thai visa forum member:

These Thai expats seem like a happy-go-lucky uncynical bunch of well-balanced individuals.

[balo]

Young Thai guy during Songkran :

I will not use my high-pressure watergun on passing motorbikes , it could be dangerous.

.

[maidu]

Newbie Thai visa forum member:

These Thai expats seem like a happy-go-lucky uncynical bunch of well-balanced individuals.

funny.

Single farang arriving in Thailand first time, speaking with old-timer farang who tells him to watch his wallet when meeting dazzling ladies half his age: "All those cry-in-your-beer stories might have happened to you and your pot-bellied buddies, but it sure won't happen to me, as I'm too savvy to be taken to the cleaners by a pretty young girl."

Same scenario as above: "I won't get all entangled in a relationship with a bar girl. Instead, I'll find a lovely educated virgin Thai lady."

[thequietman]

"This Dam Thai with a 10 day old crab crushed up in it smells like shit. My nose should be my guide when deciding if something is good for me or not. So I won,t eat it."

[maidu]

Deposed former caretaker PM: "maybe I should have paid some taxes on all the stock transfers. But hey, with some crafty attorneys, I was able to squirm out of paying taxes. I'm filthy rich, yay! Tough luck to all you wimpy suckers who pay taxes. So what if all the youngsters in Thailand get the "pay no taxes" message reinforced. They'll never mature enough to understand what taxation is for. The same kids who see nothing wrong with getting all their software and entertainment from pirated sources, will see nothing wrong with avoiding taxes. Getting as rich as possible - that's what's most important."

Thai: "Of course all my software and movies and music is pirated. But if I ever become a professional musician or movie maker or inventor, woe to anyone who tries to rip off my creations without paying any royalties. That's where I draw the line."

rich Thai landowner: "Pay taxes on property? Are you kidding? What for? Sure I have many large parcels up-country, and several large vacant houses. But I have plans to do something with them someday. This is Thailand, my land. No way am I going to pay taxes on property."

Thai politician: "What's that you say - there are tens of thousands of hill tribers within Thailand who can't get a Thai ID card? Do they vote? So what. They're content to just plant yams and make babies. I've got more important things to do, like go to Vientene to gain merit from Thaksin. Don't bother me with that silly unimportant stuff. When's the next golf get-together?"

Thai politician: "Alternative power generation for Thailand? That's something a farang would be concerned about. We've got EGAT to take care of electricity, they must know what they're doing. They went to Universities and got diplomas, didn't they?"

Edited April 15, 2012 by maidu

[maidu]

Thai: "Thailand doesn't have tool rental shops for the same sort of reason Thais don't use checks for payment; they don't trust each other enough. It's also the same reason that E-Bay didn't take off for Thailand. To make E-bay work, buyers and sellers have to trust each other. Go figure."

Thai: "maybe I won't install a gray metal wall for my shop front - like everyone else has. There's already a thick glass window and a locked door. Plus, rolling the metal security door up and down every day creates a lot of noise."

Thai: "Perhaps I'll buck the trend and not put barbed wire fences and unfinished block walls all around my property. It makes it appear I'm afraid or untrustful of people in my neighborhood. With everyone building walls around their houses, it then happens that traveling down a Thai road is essentially walking between walls. It's strange that when I see photos of farang neighborhoods, they usually don't have walls between the roads and their houses. Are people less afraid of neighbors in farang lands?"

Edited April 15, 2012 by maidu

[maidu]

Restaurant manager: "let's put a piece of soap larger than a slivered almond - at the sink in the lavatory."

Restaurant worker: "I'll make this sandwich thick, with many yummy things, on good bread. I saw a sandwich like that once in a farang movie."

Motorbike rental shop: "Oh, sorry you had a flat tire. The old one was ragged. We'll reimburse the amount you paid for a new innertube."

Thai: "Let's go to the waterfall near town. So what if it's not one of the designated days which Thais are expected to go to the waterfall. Let's buck the trend. There will be no one else there except a few farang."

NOTE: my favorite place to visit, for the rare times I go to Chiang Mai, is the waterfall 1/4 the way up the hill to Doi Suthep. If it's not a holiday or weekend, there are no Thais there - and it's only a 15 minute ride from a city of millions. The opposite dynamic is at the two Central shopping malls. Any time they're open, they're packed."

Edited April 15, 2012 by maidu

[theblether]

Top class input Maidu, highly appreciated, as well as the input from many others including Paul Jones and Autan........

Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand number........... ( I've lost count )

farang in Chiang Mai........." I'm very happy that you are spraying me with water from the moat at Songkran "

[Thaddeus]

No, really, I don't want the microphone, I have nothing to say.

[maidu]

Thai at super market: "I'm going to lodge a complaint with management about the fruit juices on sale here, the ones which claim 100%. They show large luscious fruit on the colorful label with a prominent 100% shown alongside the name of the featured fruit, also in large font. However, it's not 100% of the fruit showcased, it's just 100% juice. It's like showing a car next to a giant bar of titanium and saying 100%. Yes, it's 100% car, but it's not 100% titanium. A magnifying look at the 1 mm font on the fruit container indicates it contains less than 40% of the featured fruit. For these six bottles of juice, I want a 60% rebate of their price, right here, right now, in cash - for false advertising. You, Mr. Grocer, can go to the fruit juice scammers and straighten it out with them. Until it's rectified, I'm going to boycott this supermarket - for showcasing false products."

[xthAi76s]

.

Edited April 16, 2012 by xthAi76s

[loong]

Thai television executive on 1st February -

"We should cut the Christmas songs, Christmas finished long ago and is nothing to do with our culture anyway"

Edited April 18, 2012 by loong

[mjj]

Thaivisa poster : Oh fuc_k it, I'm gonna tell the lads the mother to my children was a hooker.

[maidu]

Thaivisa poster : Oh fuc_k it, I'm gonna tell the lads the mother to my children was a hooker.

John Lennon had a pretty good quote, went something like this: "all of us were conceived in a swirl of lies and bottle of wine."

[Thaddeus]

Thai television executive on 1st February -

"We should cut the Christmas songs, Christmas finished long ago and is nothing to do with our culture anyway"

But, you could say that about Marks & Spencer.

[brit1984]

Non omne quod nitet aurum est

[StreetCowboy]

Non omne quod nitet aurum est

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes

[LucidLucifer]

legum servi sumus ut liberi esse possimus

[LucidLucifer]

lex non distinguitur nos non distinguere debemus

[DowntownAl]

#? I want to pay for half of the dinner tab.

#?? I'll pay for my own drinks.

#??? Don't worry, I will pay for everything.

I can't think of ONE simple reason to send tourists with a valid visa away... unless of course it's to provide business for transportation companies.

As an aside: I stopped at the hot spring rest stop on the way from CM to Mae Sai last month. I counted over 40 mini-buses on site in the 15 minutes we were there. It has a lot to do with the transportation industry. 12 people per van, 650 baht (CM to Mae Sai), 40 vans = 312,000 baht worth of business in 15 minutes passed by, and it's non stop all day.

Edited June 5, 2012 by DowntownAl