A man goes into Superdrug and asks "Have you got KY Jelly?"
"No sorry" says the assistant "Have you tried Boots?"
The man says "I want to slide in, not <deleted> march in."

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Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in London.
Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

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Why do women have orgasm's?
So they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

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A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said "The 10 mins silence!"

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A Jewish boy has been born with no eye lid.
Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins but his mum's worried he might turn out cock eyed.

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Ugh ! Get a job !

Oh wait, you have one already.

OK then, it's Friday ! Close down and go home !

OK then, it's Friday ! Close down and go home !

Sounds like a good idea Kerry... I hear the fairways beckon...

One for the road...

2 nuns are being attacked and raped in a lane.

First nun says "God forgive them for they know not what they do"

The second nun says "Oh God, this fcuker does!"

OK... I'm going now...

Sorry, a bit longer than a one liner

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a Seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answers, you! will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: by design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door Is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

BULL !

You can't tell us because:

YOU'RE NOT A MONK either ! Which means "YOU DON'T KNOW" !

If you were a girl I'd call you a c#ck-tease. In your case, I guess it would be a joke-tease.

Some peoples kids........

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

BULL !

You can't tell us because:

YOU'RE NOT A MONK either ! Which means "YOU DON'T KNOW" !

If you were a girl I'd call you a c#ck-tease. In your case, I guess it would be a joke-tease.

Some peoples kids........

I'm confused about your post Kerry. The emoticon's suggest your serious

For clarity, am i <deleted> a monk, so you are correct, i don't know either. It was a joke sent to me in an email. Get it, <deleted> me i thought Canadian's had a bit more humour than that

If you were a girl I'd call you a c#ck-tease. In your case, I guess it would be a joke-tease.

Some peoples kids........

I'm confused about your post Kerry. The emoticon's suggest your serious

For clarity, am i <deleted> a monk, so you are correct, i don't know either. It was a joke sent to me in an email. Get it, <deleted> me i thought Canadian's had a bit more humour than that

I am serious ! You left us hanging ! Coitus Interruptus is illegal !

What if you were having sex, and just before orgasm, your partner got up and left the room ?!?!??!

I still don't know what the origin of the Seductive Sound was ! And now I find out your not really a monk !!!!!!

(ps: You should realize that I'm joking. Maybe. Well, then again, no, yeah, I'm sure, sort of, I think, ah screw it, I was joking !)

If you were a girl I'd call you a c#ck-tease. In your case, I guess it would be a joke-tease.

Some peoples kids........

I'm confused about your post Kerry. The emoticon's suggest your serious

For clarity, am i <deleted> a monk, so you are correct, i don't know either. It was a joke sent to me in an email. Get it, <deleted> me i thought Canadian's had a bit more humour than that

I am serious ! You left us hanging ! Coitus Interruptus is illegal !

What if you were having sex, and just before orgasm, your partner got up and left the room ?!?!??!

I still don't know what the origin of the Seductive Sound was ! And now I find out your not really a monk !!!!!!

(ps: You should realize that I'm joking. Maybe. Well, then again, no, yeah, I'm sure, sort of, I think, ah screw it, I was joking !)

The good news is that i have just received an e-mail with the answer, here:-

/post edited by MOD

KerryD DO NOT READ THESE THEM:-

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A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some as*shole's got my pen.

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You keep fit fanatics may find the following Australian exercise regime of some benefit.

It is suggested that you begin by doing it three times a week but it is stressed that you should not overdo it.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. You may fail initially but persevere; it's for your own well being.

Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a little bit longer. After a couple of weeks move up to 10 lb. potato sacks, then 50 lb. potato sacks and eventually try to get where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand. Try to hold your arms straight for at least a full minute.

After you feel confident at this level put a potato in each of the sacks.

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Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ...... Here it comes!!!"

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Sheep!!!!!

A man in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting To display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that Artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping The Horn."

Sheep!!!!!

A man in Wales buys several sheep...

Last time I heard that one it was about Kiwis...

At this point in time, 10 million pussies are being fcuked,

7 million pussies are being licked,

3 million are soaking wet...

and one lonely <deleted> is reading this message.

At this point in time, 10 million pussies are being fcuked,

7 million pussies are being licked,

3 million are soaking wet...

and one lonely <deleted> is reading this message.

Hey ! That's not nice ! I'm the only one reading this now ! And comparing me to a <deleted> isn't proper because, as you should know, cnuts are useful !

But while we are on the subject of sheep, here's an article from an Aussie newspaper:

Friend of yours ?

Friend of yours ?

Chuchok's actually...

/Edit - I just did a google for "Abingdon" and it's in the UK...

Friend of yours ?

Chuchok's actually...

/Edit - I just did a google for "Abingdon" and it's in the UK...

But you had to check eh ?

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"He likes Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits ".

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once

more for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some

reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your

money back."

(sounds like he was in Pattaya !)

A tramp walks into a jeweller shop and casually begins to finger his own arse.

The Jeweller screams "GET OUT".

The tramp points to a sign on the shop window -COME IN & PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT.

Hmmm, once again, it's a Friday afternoon and you're still at work posting lame jokes.

At least I have an excuse !

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

Yes, I know... it's Friday again...

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once

more for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some

reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your

money back."

(sounds like he was in Pattaya !)

Knot bad, Kerry. Old joke, though. Read it about a year ago.

JD, isn't there a forum rule about resuscitating ancient threads . . . even if they are your own? Yes, it's Friday.

JD, isn't there a forum rule about resuscitating ancient threads . . . even if they are your own? Yes, it's Friday.

I just did a hunt around to find a suitable place to put it...

And no... no "old threads must not be revived" rule to my knowledge.

Just look at how much fun we've had rejuvenating Lampy's Latin Mottos thread.

Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organized by the Swiss.

hel_l is where the police are German, the mechanics are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

News Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Clones are people two.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Not short ones, but I love Little Johnny jokes.

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Horsie Ride!

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.

Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.

Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,

‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’

To which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, screw him?’

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ‘Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?’

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ‘Very good,’ and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’ But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘Jesus Christ!’ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ‘Very good,’ and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. ‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’ And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that ###### thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!’

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

Yes, I know... it's Friday again...

JD, i can't believe it took you almost ONE year to come up with that <deleted>

I have really enjoyed this impromptu joke thread!

Okay, a short one for starters.

A Chinese couple split up.

She went back to Peking and he went back to Wanking.

Nice one Squirty........

What do you use a wombat for?

Simple, playing wom.

Intellectual to bimbo at party:

"What do you think of Kipling?"

Bimbo: "I've never kippled, is it fun?"

Teacher tells her class on the coming Monday they will all talk about their fathers jobs.

Monday comes and teacher asks who would like to go first.

Little Jenny puts her hand up and says " Miss, my Dad's a Doctor and he saves lives ". That's great says the teacher. Little Bob the other clas swot puts his hand up and says " Miss, my Dad's a Fireman and he saves lives too ". Wonderful says the teacher.

She then notices little Billy at the back is a tad subdued. So she says " Come on Billy. What does your Dad do "? " He's dead Miss ". After a moments silence followed by half an hour of sympathy. The teacher says " We're all so sorry to hear that Billy. But what did he do before he died " ?

" Well miss, .........He fell on the carpet, went purple and shat himself ".