If this was a soap-opera, I wouldn't believe it ... ideas needed

[Docno]

OK, I will try to keep this short, but this situation is beyond anything I've experienced or could imagine.

Younger brother of my girlfriend is 22 -- a good guy, but still some growing up to do. We knew he had an 'older' girlfriend in BKK when he moved there for work, but it turns out she's in her mid-40s. Not a problem in itself (except she already has two kids close to him in age, and he's not ready to be a surrogate dad).

Anyway, he moves back to the village in Isaan mostly to get away from her - he had a year under his belt and I think he did not see a future in it. Well, the girl's not stupid - she managed to track him down and showed up at the house. Apparently, she's passed her kids on to her mom and she says she's got nowhere to go and nobody to take care of her. She's hit the jackpot because my girlfriend's parents are veritable saints -- they would not kill a fly, and I mean that quite literally (they're vegetarians and will sweep a cockroach out of the house rather than killing it). They feel sorry for this woman, so despite protests from my girlfriend and (more mildly) from the brother, they're letting this woman stay at the house. So the brother has left town to get a job and my girlfriend can no longer go back to the family house because she totally lost it on this woman and the parents took the woman's side. I've met her once, and I can she is skilled at playing cinderella. She helps the mom with everything, etc, etc., while her own kids are away during the day because they've got jobs.

I've skipped some less central details in the interest of time ... this situation has actually unfolded over a few weeks. I will add that a couple of weeks ago (before things really got bad), my gf had a face-to-face with this woman and explained that her brother needs to get his life and back and that if she really cares for him she should understand this and go back to her kids. My gf even gave her B5000 to give her a start. The woman agreed to go and took the money... my gf put her on a bus to BKK. Three days later she was back. That's when my gf was through being nice (and she's not someone you want to cross).

And in case anyone thinks this woman is the victim, I will also add that she's pulled a knife on the younger brother twice, has slapped him in front of his friends when he stayed out 'too late', and starts searching for him in the village when she starts to wonder what he's up to. But she's good at playing the sweet one in front of the right people.

Any ideas of how to be rid of this parasite that has wormed its way in to the hearts of my gf's parents? I told my gf that the brother should just find a new gf and start bringing her around ... give the ex a dose of reality. But she's unpredictable and possibly volatile. And reason doesn't seem to work.

Thanks for reading this far if you made it....

[HooHaa]

tell the brother to man up and send her on her way. if he wont, leave hi to it. it really is all up to him

[redandyellow]

I had one turn up on my doorway too, with a new born baby.

Try the silent treatment on for size, after several days of it she may just F off.

But it sounds like your gf's parents are super jai dee, so it is them that needs convincing that the woman is a snake.

God speed with it all.

[phrodan]

Send in some Isaan boys to drag her out the house head first and kick her on to a bus to BKK - she'll never come back.

No need to beat her up - just a little terrorizing goes a long way.

[FritsSikkink]

It isn't your problem or your girlfriends. Just leave them to it and stay in your own house. When visiting the parents just ignore her.

[Docno]

tell the brother to man up and send her on her way. if he wont, leave hi to it. it really is all up to him

He's apparently already told her she should go home (though I can't imagine him being very firm about it). The problem is that she's now found her nest. Brother is leaving the village again for a job and she will stay behind in the house at the parents' invitation... or because the parents don't have the heart to put her on the street (the alternative she presents them).

[Docno]

I had one turn up on my doorway too, with a new born baby.

Try the silent treatment on for size, after several days of it she may just F off.

But it sounds like your gf's parents are super jai dee, so it is them that needs convincing that the woman is a snake.

God speed with it all.

She's in the house with the parents now. Brother goes into the city in the next couple of days and doesn't feel comfortable visiting home with her there. My gf had a big blow-out with her parents over this and hasn't talked to them for a couple of days. Yeah, you're right - the parents are so jai dee that they're easily taken advantage of and this woman has figured it out.

[Docno]

It isn't your problem or your girlfriends. Just leave them to it and stay in your own house. When visiting the parents just ignore her.

Well, rightly or wrongly, my gf has made it her problem. She hates the idea that this woman is taking advantage of her parents and basically stalking her brother. And she's pissed that the woman accepted the money to go away only to return a couple of days later. And because the parents defended the woman rather than protecting their son's interests, she's had a big falling out with them. For an Isaan woman to break from her parents is a big deal -- they're almost hard-wired to want to take care of their parents. So the gf has been in a foul mood for two days now.... and that's how it becomes my problem.

[BKKdreaming]

whatever happens if you get involved then its ALL your fault ,

Shut up, grab a cold one , sit back and play on your iPad.......

better yet , do not go to the parents house because it will make your blood pressure blow up , and then you will say something......

The son needs to row up and thats not your job......

[Docno]

Send in some Isaan boys to drag her out the house head first and kick her on to a bus to BKK - she'll never come back.

No need to beat her up - just a little terrorizing goes a long way.

One of the details I left out was that when my gf got her to leave the last time, she was later told that 'the talk of the village' was that her parents had ejected her and were heartless people (which, of course, was polar opposite to what had really happened). I don't think the parents ever caught wind of this, but it certainly made my gf upset because her parents are the kindest of people. The woman has apparently made a couple of friends in town, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had spun that story herself.

[benalibina]

whatever happens if you get involved then its ALL your fault ,

This topic is a only the start....of the big scheme of things Thai....

[NeverSure]

OP, are you putting money into this deal? Are you supporting the parents, even indirectly through the gf?

Be careful that this isn't one of those "She has a farang now, so we are all --------" even if the gf isn't directly in on it.

If you're underwriting any of this, you may need to take a stand with your gf to find out where her loyalties really are. With a Thai, it could be tough to cut the money off at the knees.

[redandyellow]

It isn't your problem or your girlfriends. Just leave them to it and stay in your own house. When visiting the parents just ignore her.

Well, rightly or wrongly, my gf has made it her problem. She hates the idea that this woman is taking advantage of her parents and basically stalking her brother. And she's pissed that the woman accepted the money to go away only to return a couple of days later. And because the parents defended the woman rather than protecting their son's interests, she's had a big falling out with them. For an Isaan woman to break from her parents is a big deal -- they're almost hard-wired to want to take care of their parents. So the gf has been in a foul mood for two days now.... and that's how it becomes my problem.

It is so true. Speaking from experience, we make our own problems 99% of the time

Sounds like the woman who tried to break up our marriage, woman by the name of Toi.

Her name isn't Toi, is it?

Either way, she sounds like another Toi type. A psychopath, albeit somewhat intelligent.. the very worst type, with the empathy of a plastic flower..

Maybe she needs to be treated like she acts... like a middle aged child..

[slightlychilled]

Send in some Isaan boys to drag her out the house head first and kick her on to a bus to BKK - she'll never come back.

No need to beat her up - just a little terrorizing goes a long way.

One of the details I left out was that when my gf got her to leave the last time, she was later told that 'the talk of the village' was that her parents had ejected her and were heartless people (which, of course, was polar opposite to what had really happened). I don't think the parents ever caught wind of this, but it certainly made my gf upset because her parents are the kindest of people. The woman has apparently made a couple of friends in town, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had spun that story herself.

How would she have time to spin a story like that ? You said your gf had given her money and personally put her on a bus to Bangkok.

I haven't understood what exactly the problem is as far as your gf is concerned ? I understand that she doesn't like her but surely she can still visit her parents with minimal interaction with this other woman ? Parents are never born yesterday, life makes them wise so you have to give them more credit, it strikes me they like her for whatever reason which makes it even more incredulous that she is so "bad".

On the face of it, as you describe it, yes the situation is far from normal but OP you seem to be getting opinions third-hand with little personal contact with the woman in question and like in all instances in life, it takes two to Tango. There is always more than one side to a story.

Edited February 25, 2015 by slightlychilled

[marko kok prong]

I would stay out of it,i never get involved with the goings on of my wife's family,basically because i am not interested,it's up to them.

[mrtoad]

Rent a Ghost

[A1Str8]

If the parents are with Cinderella then there's not much you can do. I would kick her the f#@k out regardless. It has to be done by the brother with the help of your gf.

But what does it mean she is not the one to cross? Why, what does she do, get angry?

[phrodan]

To me the real issue here is the OP's girlfriend. I think he's worried that she may crack up and do something stupid. Having see Thai women crack up before it wouldn't amaze me. The OP has added the possible "undermining in the village through gossip," angle - and that is one thing that Thai women cannot stand. She may hear one out of place comment and that will be it - carnage.

I was wondering what the feckless brother was up to in all this, it seems that he is intimidated by her. I still say rip this cuckoo from the nest, and get the boys to do it. And do it before the OP's gf does something stupid. She'll be hurting deeply just now - one spark and this could be very serious.

[Bluetongue]

Let the Thai's work it out man. I find myself looking at situations with Western eyes. I see what I consider unacceptable situations within the extended family all the time. Often though, things work out without seemingly anything being done. Extremely rarely is there a violent or emotionally charged scene. I would not however fund anything to do with this woman, that was sound advice from that poster. Your wife strong willed as you make her sound will not listen to any advice from you anyway if she has made up her mind on a particular course.

[Beetlejuice]

For many years my philosophy has been to never get involved in other peoples complicated dramas, which in Thailand not getting involved is one of the golden rules.

If the OP starts sticking his nose in, he will later be regarded as the bad guy that may result in his GFs family saying; all would have worked out if he had minded his own business.

Let them all get on with it and tell the girlfriend you are not interested and suggest she does the same. Otherwise if the OP feels the need to support his girlfriend by getting involved, then just get on with it as the long and suffering that will result in receiving no thanks or gratitude whatsoever.

Good luck to all who sail in her.

[Docno]

OP, are you putting money into this deal? Are you supporting the parents, even indirectly through the gf?

Be careful that this isn't one of those "She has a farang now, so we are all --------" even if the gf isn't directly in on it.

If you're underwriting any of this, you may need to take a stand with your gf to find out where her loyalties really are. With a Thai, it could be tough to cut the money off at the knees.

Reasonable question (as always the case in Thai-farang relationships), but I don't think it's the issue here. My gf has her own shop (yes, I helped with the start-up a couple of years back), and makes enough to get by. I will sometimes top her up with small amounts (no more per month than what I make in an hour in Singapore), especially if I've taken her travelling and she's closed her shop for a while. Yes, like almost all Isaan girls, she gives money to her parents, but they are not living high on the hog: no car/truck, a single beat-up motocy, and mom still pushes a pedal cart to the market to sell corn, etc. Anyway, my gf has said that she will not help her parents anymore if the woman continues to stay there - she does not want to underwrite the situation, so I don't need to be concerned on this front. She cried yesterday after she saw her mom at the market ('pity' ... 'song saan'), but did not say hello to her.

One detail I skipped in my OP.... at the very start of this saga, several weeks ago, my gf was more positively disposed to this woman when she first arrived in town and before it was clear that little bro was not happy with this situation. Her idea then was that the woman could 'pay her way' by helping her in the shop and helping mom at the market. I put my foot down and explained some basic economics: that simply 'hiring' another employee when it's not going to bring in more customers is simply adding cost ... there would be no additional revenue. I made it very clear that I would not be the one supporting this woman, and she had no choice but to accept it. But that was when she thought helping the woman was what her brother wanted/needed. It's a whole new situation now.

[Docno]

To me the real issue here is the OP's girlfriend. I think he's worried that she may crack up and do something stupid. Having see Thai women crack up before it wouldn't amaze me. The OP has added the possible "undermining in the village through gossip," angle - and that is one thing that Thai women cannot stand. She may hear one out of place comment and that will be it - carnage.

I was wondering what the feckless brother was up to in all this, it seems that he is intimidated by her. I still say rip this cuckoo from the nest, and get the boys to do it. And do it before the OP's gf does something stupid. She'll be hurting deeply just now - one spark and this could be very serious.

You're right. My gf has a very good heart (since we've been together, she's adopted two dogs, including one that was hit by a car outside of her shop and is now paralysed from the hips down). But she's also 'feisty', to use a more positive term. She has said that if she sees this woman she will 'kill her', and when I challenge her on that, she says "not not kill, but I will beat her so she wants to leave". And I know she's not bluffing. She is fuming about what this woman has done, and the last time she went to the house, the woman cowered in her room while my gf argued with her parents.

As for the brother, remember that he's only 21 or 22 and he's a good kid. Mild-mannered, helps his parents, no drugs, etc etc. This woman is in her 40s and who knows what kind of experience she has under her belt. The one time I met her, she came across as very mild as well, but it could be that sort of shyness that some Thais have with foreigners. I purposely asked her brother at the time when he would be doing his stint as a monk, and I could see her squirm in her chair... I thought that might be the solution back then, but she has since made it clear she will stay at the house even if the brother goes away.

[Docno]

For many years my philosophy has been to never get involved in other peoples complicated dramas, which in Thailand not getting involved is one of the golden rules.

If the OP starts sticking his nose in, he will later be regarded as the bad guy that may result in his GFs family saying; all would have worked out if he had minded his own business.

Let them all get on with it and tell the girlfriend you are not interested and suggest she does the same. Otherwise if the OP feels the need to support his girlfriend by getting involved, then just get on with it as the long and suffering that will result in receiving no thanks or gratitude whatsoever.

Good luck to all who sail in her.

I see your point. I'm not trying to get involved, just trying to give my gf ideas. Can't expect my gf to stay out of it because that is her family home and those are her parents, and now there's an unwelcome (to her and her brother) interloper there. It affects my gf's mindset, so it affects me/us.

But yes, I will not try to intercede with the parents (my Thai is not good enough anyway).

[guzzi850m2]

That is one hell of a situation you are in there OP.

As others said, stay well away from direct actions by yourself.

If your GF is really really tired of her and wants her OUT she can hire some of the village dudes to forcefully bring her to the nearest bus station but off-course don't beat her up. Then they tell her when boarding the bus that if she comes back they will not be so kind to her.

It seems like your GP parents are much too kind folks and now they have this parasite and they don't fell if that way.

The longer she stay the more difficult it will be to get rid of her.

If she is fairly good looking perhaps she can get a new BF nearby?

[Lorn]

Surely she's counting on getting back together with the brother. Best for him to get a new girlfriend and take her home for a few days.

Seems fair enough for the gf to stop sending any money to the parents if some of that money is going to a parasite.

[pgrahmm]

Make sure the folks secure their valuables and have a valid will filed....Black Widow material....maybe engage a private eye and confront her with her past then expell her.....

[oneday]

tell the brother to man up and send her on her way. if he wont, leave hi to it. it really is all up to him

This isn't bad advice at all. He needs to man up to this woman (not girl) and tell her to get lost. However, he also needs to man up to his parents and tell them he does not want her around that she is destroying his life and they are helping her.

My pathetic idea was you somehow have to get some video of her in one of her bad moods to show the parents. It would seem the parents have to be shown or they will continue to be sucked in my her act.

Good luck.

[ToddinChonburi]

OK who's name is on the top of the house book ? Hopefully the parents have already placed one of the children as owner of home. Have this person call the police and have her removed.

[kingstonkid]

There is only one solution.

Brother goes out of town and only tells you where he is.

Gf tells parents that she will not be visiting but that they (mom and dad ONLY) are welcome to visit you.

No support or contact at all other than that.

Eventually they will start to see what is happening.

Also when Brother comes back to visit he stays with you and does not go home.

Tell him to bring pictures of NEW GF as long as there is nothing that she can recognize in the picture.

[Suradit69]

To me the real issue here is the OP's girlfriend. I think he's worried that she may crack up and do something stupid. Having see Thai women crack up before it wouldn't amaze me. The OP has added the possible "undermining in the village through gossip," angle - and that is one thing that Thai women cannot stand. She may hear one out of place comment and that will be it - carnage.

I was wondering what the feckless brother was up to in all this, it seems that he is intimidated by her. I still say rip this cuckoo from the nest, and get the boys to do it. And do it before the OP's gf does something stupid. She'll be hurting deeply just now - one spark and this could be very serious.

" Having see Thai women crack up before it wouldn't amaze me. The OP has added the possible "undermining in the village through gossip," angle - and that is one thing that Thai women cannot stand. She may hear one out of place comment and that will be it - carnage. "

Maybe you could visit the Thai family and share your expertise on Thai individual behavior and Thai village dynamics to them.