Please help: Scared of wife reaction

[totally thaied up]

If this is not a wind-up and she is acting like this either you could do two things.

 

Counseling with a Psych/Doctors Evaluation or you walk away now. Both of you need to talk.

 

It sounds like it to me she is needy and you are not living up to the expectations she had when you got married. If she is losing it like this, I would like to know did she ever lose it before you got married? You see, I am bipolar and I would drop into a moment of rage just over nothing. This happened well before and during the times before I got married and my wife saw all of this when we were engaged. Bipolar just does not flip on and off. It gets triggered and you just go off the deep end. Having messy clothes around me triggers me all the time but you would have seen this month's back, not just now.

 

So to me, it seems you just got a needy wife and you are not fitting her bill of what she expected. If she really has a problem, believe me, you would have known before you got married that she had big issues like BPD or Bipolar as those are things you cannot easily hide. If you think she does has a problem, a Doctors Appointment is needed and if she won't agree to that, you need to talk this out somehow.

 

Best of luck.

 

[MikeyIdea]

11 hours ago, totally thaied up said:

If this is not a wind-up and she is acting like this either you could do two things.

 

Counseling with a Psych/Doctors Evaluation or you walk away now. Both of you need to talk. 

 

It sounds like it to me she is needy and you are not living up to the expectations she had when you got married. If she is losing it like this, I would like to know did she ever lose it before you got married? You see, I am bipolar and I would drop into a moment of rage just over nothing. This happened well before and during the times before I got married and my wife saw all of this when we were engaged. Bipolar just does not flip on and off. It gets triggered and you just go off the deep end. Having messy clothes around me triggers me all the time but you would have seen this month's back, not just now. 

 

So to me, it seems you just got a needy wife and you are not fitting her bill of what she expected. If she really has a problem, believe me, you would have known before you got married that she had big issues like BPD or Bipolar as those are things you cannot easily hide. If you think she does has a problem, a Doctors Appointment is needed and if she won't agree to that, you need to talk this out somehow.

 

Best of luck.

 

Good information, thank you. I think you're exactly on the right track except two things: This cannot be talked out (until much later and not to a western level), that's for a western wife. A western solution to a Thai problem, or western order doing things in a Thai problem is just a disaster. 

 

Here, he must first shake her up and it must be a shock, a real awakening, then "you think about it and tell me what you will choose to do, ignore, ignore, ignore". Totally without violence of course. To the OP: Violence benefits the less disciplined and that is not the westerner.

 

Then talking can start a bit but it must start from ultimatum, ignore, ignore, ignore. And later in the discussion - "I will tell your parents exactly how badly you have behaved to make me decide to leave you". Fear of loss of face is one of her weaknesses. Real talking should start first after she understands that this problem is a the "take it or leave it" level.

 

The second thing: Shrinks don't work here, there are plenty of them at Bangkok Hospital only charging a thousand baht per hour or so. What they do doesn't work because discipline and self-control except pii and loss of face is at a totally different level here. A soft spoken psychiatrist isn't going to be able to teach an adult anything if that adult doesn't care and doesn't want to listen, and that simply starts with the understanding that it's take it or leave it. Shrink adds nothing unless this really is bipolar and it isn't. 

 

This is just childish Thai woman climbing up in a power position in the relationship not knowing where the limits are versus western man who has no idea how to deal with that behavior. I have seen it hundreds of times during my 27 years in Thailand.

 

Michael

 

 

[totally thaied up]

2 hours ago, MikeyIdea said:

Good information, thank you. I think you're exactly on the right track except two things: This cannot be talked out (until much later and not to a western level), that's for a western wife. A western solution to a Thai problem, or western order doing things in a Thai problem is just a disaster. 

 

Here, he must first shake her up and it must be a shock, a real awakening, then "you think about it and tell me what you will choose to do, ignore, ignore, ignore". Totally without violence of course. To the OP: Violence benefits the less disciplined and that is not the westerner.

 

Then talking can start a bit but it must start from ultimatum, ignore, ignore, ignore. And later in the discussion - "I will tell your parents exactly how badly you have behaved to make me decide to leave you". Fear of loss of face is one of her weaknesses. Real talking should start first after she understands that this problem is a the "take it or leave it" level.

 

The second thing: Shrinks don't work here, there are plenty of them at Bangkok Hospital only charging a thousand baht per hour or so. What they do doesn't work because discipline and self-control except pii and loss of face is at a totally different level here. A soft spoken psychiatrist isn't going to be able to teach an adult anything if that adult doesn't care and doesn't want to listen, and that simply starts with the understanding that it's take it or leave it. Shrink adds nothing unless this really is bipolar and it isn't. 

 

This is just childish Thai woman climbing up in a power position in the relationship not knowing where the limits are versus western man who has no idea how to deal with that behavior. I have seen it hundreds of times during my 27 years in Thailand.

 

Michael

 

 

I will agree to most of that and that is the advice I would give to this young man.

 

Shrinks do work 'if' it is a mental disorder as medication is needed. I fear in this case, it is how you say it is. She is needy, he is not showering her in gifts of gold or other things (even his time) and she feels like she has lost face so she is striking out. She is being childish and it needs to stop and the only way you can do that is pretty well like you said.

 

The part that strikes true is the 'take it or leave it' level. Until she knows this is an ultimatum and she has got no wiggle room and understands you will walk out that door, your going to have this issue for the rest of your life unless you sort it out now. Going to the parents and explaining this all is smart thinking as well. In my family, my Father-in-laws rules will always be followed. 

[jvs]

Part of the rules in this household here is the rule that violence from either partner is not accepted and  there will be an immediat termination of whatever deal we have.

 We both knew about this rule before we decided to move in together.

Nearly 9 years now and still going strong.

Looks like the OP has forgotten to set rules before he got married but i am afraid it is too late now.She knows he is scared of her.

 

[dickjones2018]

all the advise here, even from the more medical professional one, I have to say most of you don't have any experience with this kind of person... do this, do that...

move out of your condo (specially if he owns it), move jobs...

 

easy words and hope you never have to deal with a devious person like this, but you did not, you have no experience how they lie & cheat & manipulate.

 

they can have a job and appear to be the model worker, for their family & friends, they might be the wonderful person/daughter/son/friend.

 

but they don't have to deal with the real person, who is a master at manipulation, even making you feel bad for everybody else (gaslighting, bad mouthing, etc...)

 

in this case, as the OP said, she tried to take his hand and hit her (mine went to hit her head to the door / the floor) ...  they want police involved, they want you to be guilty about her childish demon games

 

bi-polar or not .... mine is a toxic narcissist

 

the run away, hit her ...  yeah, that will make you the biggest loser

 

but in OP's case, no children involved... so more options for future sanity, maybe running is not such a bad option, but than to his home country as if he stays in Thailand, who knows what can happen, life is cheap, full of crazy bastards, enough proof that thai people seem to be able to commit crimes/murder with a lack of conscience (psychopath's)

 

the lack of self control, the abuse of power the have, you (me) being a foreigner with let's be clear, no rights ... where even YOUR LAWYER can screw you/be corrupted just for a few bucks , and let's not forget ... THAI RAK THAI ...  it is in their national anthem

 

a thai in your country have the same rights after marriage in your home country, get citizenship, can buy land, own your house, start a business without all the hastle

 

you living here 1, 5, 10, 20 years, makes no different, you long stay tourist NON THAI

 

going to see an MD to check her head, well, she probably thinks YOU are the one with a mental problem, as this is the case with all nut cases and does not want to admit any wrong doing

 

these people don't change nor ever will

 

[Sheryl]

Off topic posts and 2 party flamefest deleted.

Please stay on topic and keep it civil.

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[MikeyIdea]

12 minutes ago, Sheryl said:

Off topic posts and 2 party flamefest deleted.

Please stay on topic and keep it civil.

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app
 

Thanks Sheryl

[Been there done that]

2 hours ago, dickjones2018 said:

all the advise here, even from the more medical professional one, I have to say most of you don't have any experience with this kind of person... do this, do that...

move out of your condo (specially if he owns it), move jobs...

 

easy words and hope you never have to deal with a devious person like this, but you did not, you have no experience how they lie & cheat & manipulate.

 

they can have a job and appear to be the model worker, for their family & friends, they might be the wonderful person/daughter/son/friend.

 

but they don't have to deal with the real person, who is a master at manipulation, even making you feel bad for everybody else (gaslighting, bad mouthing, etc...)

 

in this case, as the OP said, she tried to take his hand and hit her (mine went to hit her head to the door / the floor) ...  they want police involved, they want you to be guilty about her childish demon games

 

bi-polar or not .... mine is a toxic narcissist

 

the run away, hit her ...  yeah, that will make you the biggest loser

 

but in OP's case, no children involved... so more options for future sanity, maybe running is not such a bad option, but than to his home country as if he stays in Thailand, who knows what can happen, life is cheap, full of crazy bastards, enough proof that thai people seem to be able to commit crimes/murder with a lack of conscience (psychopath's)

 

the lack of self control, the abuse of power the have, you (me) being a foreigner with let's be clear, no rights ... where even YOUR LAWYER can screw you/be corrupted just for a few bucks , and let's not forget ... THAI RAK THAI ...  it is in their national anthem

 

a thai in your country have the same rights after marriage in your home country, get citizenship, can buy land, own your house, start a business without all the hastle

 

you living here 1, 5, 10, 20 years, makes no different, you long stay tourist NON THAI

 

going to see an MD to check her head, well, she probably thinks YOU are the one with a mental problem, as this is the case with all nut cases and does not want to admit any wrong doing

 

these people don't change nor ever will

 

Good post and seems correct to me. It is too easy to judge when one has not been in it.

[mauGR1]

17 minutes ago, Been there done that said:

Good post and seems correct to me. It is too easy to judge when one has not been in it.

I suspect many here have been there. Me too, twice.

That's why most posters are suggesting the running option.

[kekalot]

haven't read every single post but since I have mostly female friends that ask me for advice (and never follow it) 

I will say exactly the same thing, don't expect your relationships to get better with time, if it's bad now it will likely only get worse.

 

I often hear those girls saying "but my parents stayed together for 40 years", I tell them it's not the 80s anymore, people have the internet, facebook and dating websites in the palm of their hands now.

when you have other options you are less likely to stay if you aren't happy in the relationship.

[smotherb]

On 12/1/2018 at 5:20 PM, TunnelRat69 said:

I was a neighbor to an US Air Force guy & his bargirl Thai wive, they were married all of 3 months.........he was writing a letter to his parents and she thought he was writing to a former girlfriend, she went beserk (I saw this from my porch, his & mine were opposite each other)  she came out screaming  "Who you writing letter to, girlfriend???, and she slammed the knife thru his hand, and right thru the wooden table.  She grabbed her purse, and ran out the back, I ran over, kept telling him not to move, he was bleeding like crazy - I gently pulled his hand with the knife still in it out of the table, wrapped in it a t-shirt and took him to Uthapao base hospital....USAF sent him back to the the Phillipines...........as far as I know, he never came back and she was so sweet with him before that, kissy huggy, hand feeding him fruit etc tc etc.

I have said before, all Thai Women are born with spiders in their brains, every once in a while, the spider wakes up and bites a place that drives them bonkers and the "Real Thai Woman" comes out................that can be a scary moment.

Yeah, and I knew a guy in Iran married to an American. He used to show up at work with bruises on his face, black eyes, split lips, once a broken tooth. He would always say he was a clumsy drunk and had fallen against something.  He wound-up dead after being stabbed to death by his wife. Come to find out, she had been beating him up all along. The reason; a US Air Force guy's Thai wife. 

[MyFriend You]

A little off-topic but related:  I have been an IT Professional for over 40 years, and have had many, many supervisors I could run circles around when it came to IT Systems, and even basic fundamental PC desktop work, I would say 30% of my former supervisors yelled, screamed, made us do meaningless work (like re-align spare parts, paint rocks white or something shitty like that), and I came to realize they did this out of self conciousness, they didn't know squat about what we did (Electronic Warfare) so they acted out in the only way they knew - being a Bully!!   Maybe this is the case with your soon to be Ex-Wife if I am reading all this right........she is acting out because she is helpless............get her professional help, even if it doesn;t mend your marraige, (Hell, we all know it wasn't ALL BAD Right?????   Be a man and help her out, then chuck her out later, ya never know, you might make a new friend in the same body you're used to seeing everyday.

[JTXR]

Assuming your post is legit, the only advice I've got is this:  confide in and ask for the advice of people you really know and trust personally.  In my opinion, Thaivisa, with 95% of folks not using their real names and the vast majority of whom could be just anyone at all, is not the place to come for advice on serious personal matters like this.  If you've got family or really good friends--either here or back home--go there for advice. 

[neeray]

42 minutes ago, TunnelRat69 said:

 Be a man and help her out, then chuck her out later, ya never know, you might make a new friend in the same body you're used to seeing everyday.

Top notch advice TunnelRat69.

Do the right thing "Be a man and help her out".

[neeray]

53 minutes ago, TunnelRat69 said:

get her professional help, even if it doesn;t mend your marraige, (Hell, we all know it wasn't ALL BAD Right?????   

 

[MyFriend You]

27 minutes ago, neeray said:

get her professional help, even if it doesn;t mend your marraige, (Hell, we all know it wasn't ALL BAD Right?????   

I've had two failed marraiges, mostly my fault, I was married to the US Army long before I was married to any woman, so when they wanted out, I had no qualms about it at all - we parted friends and I still remain friends with one of them.........I have been with the same lady now for 22 years and we are not "Married" in the traditional sense, we have been living together since 1996, we adopted three beautiful kids, one in Medical School in Saigon, the other two at home 10 & 11 yo --------  quite simply, I don't believe in the institution of marraige, grew up Catholic and poor, only had a few friends with two parents, all divorced, growing up without a Father, I decided early on I would never have kids and leave them, so got a Vasectomy when I was 36. (after my last divorce) didn't want any accidents (hence the adoptions)........two people get together for lots of reasons, its a partnership (for the unselfish, un-possessive)  if something along the way gets in the way of the partnership, then......................well, you know the rest.     Peace

[scorecard]

On 12/6/2018 at 11:39 AM, totally thaied up said:

I will agree to most of that and that is the advice I would give to this young man.

 

Shrinks do work 'if' it is a mental disorder as medication is needed. I fear in this case, it is how you say it is. She is needy, he is not showering her in gifts of gold or other things (even his time) and she feels like she has lost face so she is striking out. She is being childish and it needs to stop and the only way you can do that is pretty well like you said.

 

The part that strikes true is the 'take it or leave it' level. Until she knows this is an ultimatum and she has got no wiggle room and understands you will walk out that door, your going to have this issue for the rest of your life unless you sort it out now. Going to the parents and explaining this all is smart thinking as well. In my family, my Father-in-laws rules will always be followed. 

 

However anybody who decides to seek out a 'shrink' (could mean a counsellor or a psychiatrist) please check very carefully that the 'shrink' has credible qualifications and a positive track record of positively and meaningfully helping people through a structured approach.

 

 

[Scooby and Puppy]

On 11/29/2018 at 6:56 PM, CharlieH said:

Go find yourself a hotel, take your essential documents. Stay there, dont tell her where, and let things calm down, give both of you some breathing space, and somewhere you feel you can relax.

Take it from there, for now.

 

 

.....and turn off 'location' settings on your phone BEFORE answering a call.

[brian2f2f]

As others have said leave and get away. She will not stop and the violence will only get worse. Trust me I've been in 4 of not more violent relationships. 3 of them attempted murder and forced to physically protect myself from her. Do what you have to do to get away and to safety then get a lawyer to get the divorce done so that you don't have to deal with her directly anymore. 

[Hummin]

18 minutes ago, brian2f2f said:

As others have said leave and get away. She will not stop and the violence will only get worse. Trust me I've been in 4 of not more violent relationships. 3 of them attempted murder and forced to physically protect myself from her. Do what you have to do to get away and to safety then get a lawyer to get the divorce done so that you don't have to deal with her directly anymore. 

I wonder how thats possible? Would you like to fill in more details, to understand how it is possible to experience 4 violent relationships? 

[Been there done that]

On 12/11/2018 at 1:29 PM, Hummin said:

I wonder how thats possible? Would you like to fill in more details, to understand how it is possible to experience 4 violent relationships? 

S and M probably.

[Katia]

On 12/4/2018 at 12:12 AM, neeray said:

Sure. Show no compassion. Just do a runner.

(sarcasm intended)

 

You can have compassion for someone and still not allow them to walk all over you or hurt you.

 

ETA: he's also not responsible for her.  She's a grown adult.  It's not his job to make sure she's okay, at the end of the day.  Since we're fairly certain she's not mentally ill, there's no reason someone else should have to "save" her or act as her parent or whatever it is people are suggesting.

[neeray]

18 minutes ago, Katia said:

You can have compassion for someone and still not allow them to walk all over you or hurt you.

 

ETA: he's also not responsible for her.  She's a grown adult.  It's not his job to make sure she's okay, at the end of the day.  Since we're fairly certain she's not mentally ill, there's no reason someone else should have to "save" her or act as her parent or whatever it is people are suggesting.

"For better for worse, in sickness and in health"

 

But none of us really know what all has gone on or how much he has attributed to her "illness".

So none of us can really offer any constructive advice.

But I disagree with you. If he has any decent morals, he does have a moral duty to do his best to assist her, not just run away, possibly pushing her over the edge.

[mauGR1]

8 minutes ago, neeray said:

"For better for worse, in sickness and in health"

 

But none of us really know what all has gone on or how much he has attributed to her "illness".

So none of us can really offer any constructive advice.

But I disagree with you. If he has any decent morals, he does have a moral duty to do his best to assist her, not just run away, possibly pushing her over the edge.

I have been twice in similar relationships, i think i have some morals, and i tried to help, although i was not married.

So, both ex-partners had no morals, behaved like spoiled children, making problems out of nothing, again and again, until i gave up and said goodbye.

The question is, for how long can you keep trying to help ?

To make the concept even clearer, there is an old, short, famous tale of a frog and a scorpion...

 

[Katia]

19 hours ago, neeray said:

"For better for worse, in sickness and in health"

 

But none of us really know what all has gone on or how much he has attributed to her "illness".

So none of us can really offer any constructive advice.

But I disagree with you. If he has any decent morals, he does have a moral duty to do his best to assist her, not just run away, possibly pushing her over the edge.

That line has been used to try to convince people to stay in some pretty heinous situations... I'm pretty sure it means "we'll stick together when things get tough" but not "I'm going to allow you to abuse me  and turn this into a codependent relationship while I act like your parent and personal superhero so you don't have to get your shit together."

 

HIm leaving would not "push her over the edge."  If she's already that unstable, it's not his fault.

[Puchaiyank]

Don't expect much sympathy from Thai authorities...

 

If you feel threatened and endangered...leave quietly...dont get her started again...

[rumak]

little children throw tantrums to manipulate adults.   grown up children use knives