I was making love to my wife last night and she looked back and said, "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my <deleted>!" As soon as I did, she screamed. 

I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

A woman was cleaning her twelve year old son's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I definitely wouldn't spank him."

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Lets try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 

The accountant says, "A Chicken Farmer it is."

A guy goes to the Doctor's as he's been itching 'Down There'

The Doctor says, "I'm sorry Sir, but you have GASH"

"GASH?" Asks the guy, thoroughly confused, "What's that then?"

The doctor replies: "It's a nasty combination of Gonnorhea, Aids, Syphylis and Herpes"

"<deleted>!" The guy says, turning as white as a sheet. "Is there any treatment?"

"Yes, you'll have a special diet of pizza, naan bread, poppodums and Dover Sole" advises the Doc.

"Will that cure me then?" Asks the patient, a little more relieved.

"No. But it's all we can slide under the door."

What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever?

To Self, I so late.

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands?

Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

Why did the chicken cross the road? 

Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.

there are so many coronavirus puns out there, it’s become a pundemic.

Sat. Nav  Thailand

 

 

 

My wife broke her SatNav and wants £150 for a new one.

Being skint I told her to get lost.

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path,

 

Sorry I know you saw that coming but I wandered off!

 

 

Sorry but I think something may have got lost in the two above postings, but I can't seem to find what it was!

Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their sat navs stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds.

Bought a sat nav from Bono. It’s rubbish. All the streets have no name. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

 

Got a sat nav from Bonnie Tyler. It just keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

 

Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.

I bought a Fleetwood Mac sat nav , absolutely useless !!

Just keeps saying “ you can go your own way “ !!

My Harry Lauder Sat Nav tells me to keep right on to the end of the road.

Just now, bluesofa said:

My Harry Lauder Sat Nav tells me to keep right on to the end of the road.

Showing your age now BS

Our parent/grandparents who lived through WWII would be ashamed ...

Just now, chickenslegs said:

Showing your age now BS

I just remember the good old days.

They always sang his songs on there.