I was practising on my swing at the driving range today when the manager came out shouting "Sod off!  And take your children's playground with you!"

In 1972, Richard Nixon became the first ever US president to visit China.

He was invited to Peking to mend a government rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up with having to use the stairs.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Jeez, nobody told the poor guy it was a fish market the first time he walked past it.

He was floundering in a common place area and did not have the sole or blind faith to finger it out yet!

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

"No, but I've got 3 recent photos of the missus!"

I thought the camera would have broken after the first photo of her!

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ronal Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." (li he has been swimming against the tide all his life)

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. (another lie given his so called golf handicap!!!)

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go".......

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

 

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

Trump and Biden  pass each other on the way to the inauguration.
Trump bumps into Biden's shoulder and turns to Biden and says "Pardon me!"

Biden burst out laughing!

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers at your rallies, but it will go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice and I will be praised the world over by ALL people of ALL religions!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. Only I can do that to MY followers.

But a mere mortal like you  cannot do that with one wave of your hand?

Go on Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Get yourself a Vietnamese pot - bellied pig they said :

 

 

 

They are very affectionate and don’t grow too big they said :

 

 

 

 

They don’t cost much to feed and can go everywhere you go they also said ????

 

 

8 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Get yourself a Vietnamese pot - bellied pig they said :

Ugh!  The blokes not pot bellied, he's actually not bad looking if your that way inclined.

It's not his fault he has to live in the pig sty with farm animals, it is a bit of a backward country after all, even Jesus slept in a stable!

????

‘I hate when women compare men to dogs.

Men are not dogs.

Dogs are loyal.

I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.’
 

‘My husband can do the work of two men.

Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.’

‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’
 

‘Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home?

Not enough.’

'

.Donald Trump suffers much criticism on here. Before you add to it, walk a mile in his shoes.

I looked out into my garden this morning and was surprised to see a load of small black birds that were all speaking Russian.
I think it was a flock of Stalins.

Boris Johnson walks into Barclays Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Bank of England legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Johnson: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Johnson:" Please. I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Johnson, here is an example of what we can do.
One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Johnson, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you ?
Johnson stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small Notes, Mr. Johnson?

I phoned up the newspaper to ask how much it was to advertise.
"It's £2 per inch, mate" he told me.
"<deleted>! I've got a 40 foot ladder to sell".

40 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I looked out into my garden this morning and was surprised to see a load of small black birds that were all speaking Russian.
I think it was a flock of Stalins.

 

The you went next door, knocked and asked is Len in?