A patient wakes up in hospital after a routine operation, he feels a little strange down below and looks under the sheets, to his horror he discovers his penis is missing !

He let’s out a cry and at that moment the Doctor enters the room:

” ah Mr Smith , while you were under the anaesthetic we found a growth on your penis and had no option to remove it. But , by chance you are in the only hospital in the world capable of penile transplants and I can offer you one of 3 options. Unfortunately as this doesn’t come under the NHS we have to charge you. We have a Japanese penis for £2000, an English penis for £3000 or a Jamaican penis for £5000 “

The patient is a level headed chap so replies :

“ with any financial decisions I will have to consult my wife , pass me the telephone “

After a few minutes of serious discussion the patient hangs up the phone and looks sadly at the Doctor.

The Doctor unable to contain himself any longer asks the patient “ well , what will it be ? “

The patient hangs his head in shame as he answers “ a new kitchen !! “

Atheists........working hard on our behalf.

Translations — here's what car salesmen really mean:

       STATEMENT                                                                            MEANING

You'll enjoy a spin in this -                                   Just try braking on a wet road.
One careful owner                                                The other 32 were nutters.
Bargain not to be missed                                     Everyone else has hit it.

Condominium: A birth control device made from metal.

 

Telepathy: When you can't be bothered to turn over the TV.

 

Perversion: The cat's side of the story.

 

Suffragette: Flying on Ryanair.

 

Eyeliner: A big ship made by Apple.

 

Gelatine: A device for cutting the heads off jelly babies.

 

Monogamy: Celebrating New Year in Scotland by yourself.

 

Wince: A setting on Jonathan Ross's washing machine.

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

Texting for pensioners — some handy acronyms when you're sending phone messages:

 

WYWH: Will you want Horlicks?

 

MYOB: Make your own Bovril.

 

BFF: Bedpan frighteningly full.

 

R+R: Rheumatic and racist.

 

IMHO: It's my hip operation

 

POV: Please order Viagra.

 

OAP: On a promise.

 

ASAP: Asleep after pill.

 

<deleted>: Wig tilted forward

 

OMG: Oh me gout!

 

TBC: To be cremated

 

 

 

your lucky night

 

 

 

 

Apple does it again!

 

 

 

 

Shot into Space

 

11 hours ago, roo860 said:

 ... rookie pilot does a ground loop in a tail dragger... ?!