8 hours ago, mike787 said:

Worst joke ever:  that Thai roads are safe!  That's a terrible joke!

 

No roads are safe, anywhere.  Driving , statistically, is the most dangerous activity we, humans,  participate in. 

 

Edit: Sorry not a joke!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

 

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it's..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

 

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that 5hit again.”

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

The local paper reported that a woman, one Anne Barnyard, has sued the public hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Barnyard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

A 12 year old boy living on a farm gets out of bed and walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Sits down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mum, where’s breakfast?
His mother says you’re not getting any breakfast until you feed the chicken, pig and cow.
The boy stomps out of the house with an attitude. Stomps over and feeds the chicken, then kicks the chicken.
Stomps over and feeds the pig, then kicks the pig.
Stomps over and feeds the cow, then kicks the cow.
He then stomps into the house, still with an attitude, plops his butt down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mother, where’s my breakfast?
His mother says, you kicked the pig the chicken and the cow. No eggs bacon or milk for you young man.
As he's thinking about this, his father walks down the stairs, almost steps on the cat, and gives it a kick.
The boy looks at his mother and says, do you want me to tell him, or will you do it?

On 11/25/2020 at 12:56 AM, ballpoint said:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?'

I had to read that 3 times before i got it! ????

 

I'll take the bed  near the door....... ????

2 hours ago, roo860 said:

Either that or he played quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks !!

17 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Either that or he played quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks !!

Or he wore the helmet while riding in a Swallow Sidecar (which later became the Jaguar motor company).

 

/

Finally got the kids to put down their phones and go play outside !!

 

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."