Just watched a documentary on how ship building was done on the Clyde.

It was riveting.

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building, right on the street.

 

As he opens the door to get out of his Bentley, so new that he is still finding plastic stickers inside, a passing car speeds by, smashes into the door, and rips it right off. That driver never slows down, and speeds away.

 

The lawyer is beyond furious. He calls the police and demands they come that second so they can find and arrest this heinous person who ruined his new Bentley in a criminal hit and run.

 

The officer arrives very quickly. He goes up to the lawyer, who is still in his car yelling and screaming at someone on the phone. The officer says a horrified, "oh my god."

 

The lawyer hears him, drops his call, and says, "I know! The door is ripped clean off! The whole car is ruined! Even if they fix it, it will never be the same!"

 

Then the officer frowns at the lawyer and starts to shake his head.

The lawyer starts going on and on about how much money he just lost, how expensive the Bentley was, how tragic and how evil the driver of the other car had to be.

The cop finally interrupts, "you lawyers. You are all the same."

 

Suddenly, the lawyer's anger turns to the cop. What? How dare you! Can't you see that this beautiful machine is destroyed? You are a protector of the city! You should be out arresting this criminal, not insulting me sitting here! This reckless menace cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars! This was a brand new Bentley!

 

The cop interrupts again, "I get it. You've been talking about your car. It was expensive, you lost a lot of money. But in this whole time, you never realized that he also tore your whole left arm off."

 

The lawyer is stunned into silence. He looks down at where his arm should be. Horror and pain cross his face.

"MY ROLEX!!!"

Yesterday the lady down the street offered me sexual favours in return for helping her sell her range of cleaning products.

Obviously I refused as I have strong morals.

- but not as strong as Skweeki Kleen kitchen floor cleaner, the only true dirt and grime remover and now formulated with lemon freshness.

Be extra careful on the roads with Xmas round the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wife to drive 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

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7 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

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I watched all episodes of Mad Men about the Advertising industry.  Trust me, none of those people are scientists.  ????

If Corona had a year end appraisal...

• 1. Responsible for Global Digital Transformation and fast-tracking.
• 2.Reduction of Global CO2 emission.
• 3.Five million jobs "restructuring".
• 4.Global Hygiene initiatives:  Ensured 100% compliance on washing hands... leading to collateral reduction of other communicable diseases.
• 5. Made global industry shift to WFH - saved exposure and costs.
• 6. Reduction in global noise pollution by making everyone keep their mouth shut (while masked).
• 7. Taught cooking, vegetable shopping, housekeeping to many.
• 8. Highlighted the importance of governance, adaptability and long term planning, by all sectors.
• 9. Spiritual contribution - Provided ample time to all egoistic and self-centred people to contemplate their moral nature.
• 10. Provided a big boost to the Pharma sector, brought small utility stores back into priority. 
• 11. Taught the family values and values of life.
• 12. How to manage funds by avoiding so called necessary but truly are unnecessary expenses.
• 13. Anything can be managed from Home.

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife and the Mother-in-Law to a restaurant.

The waiter took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please and a Jacket potato.'
He asked, 'What about the other vegetables?'
'Nah, I said, they can order for themselves.'

And that's when the fight started.....

THIS NEEDS TO BE POSTED AT EVERY CHECKOUT ETC

It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their passion no longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then. 
Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the fence was knocked down and the sound brought the householder storming down the garden. 
“What the hell’s going on?” he yelled. “I want £60 now to repair that bloody fence.” 
The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned to his girlfriend and said, “Come on, Sylvie, you’re always on about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the fence?” 

“Get real!” she answered. “I just stood there! You were the one doing all the pushing.” 
 

Two kids were arguing in the playground. 
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy. 
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.” 
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.” 

“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.” 
 

A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed. 
“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb.”