It is a bit freaky...

 

 

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF!  She was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
 

What do you call a person who is unable to tell the difference between a ladle and a spoon?

Fat.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.

This is NOT a joke!

 

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?"

"I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning"

 and another unfortunate golfer was being questioned whilst laying in his hospital bed...n

I was too curious not to ask into how what happened to his head? 

 

 

 - so he's going on about when he hit the ball OOB, and jumped the fence.  

Trawling thru the paddock of cows,

he also notices other golfers around him, with the same problem obviously. 

 

So he continued on until the entire paddock was searched, this paddock of cows

 

That old quip passed his mind; that when all the Probables are Exhausted, there is left but the Improbable...

 

He went to the nearest cow and lifted her tail

- AND  lo! there was golf ball embedded...  

 

Took a closer look without disturbing the lay of the ball (of course) and reckons it's Not his! 

 

Helpful bloke this - as he turns around and beckoned the old lady golfer nearby.

   As she nears, he lifts the tail, and pointing in general direction of the ball

- he asks;

"Does this look like yours?"

 

 

:... and that that my dear fellow is how I ended up here!!" 

 

 

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my em! member and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied,

 

"Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the b..!"

Just There !--See, I told you she was in our Class

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon - similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic,

"Try doing it with the engine running."

17 minutes ago, fangless said:

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

And via the exhaust pipe ????

 

Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While Jack was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

Jack said, "My wife found out."

1 minute ago, Crossy said:

 

And via the exhaust pipe ????

 

That was nurse "Hot lips Hoolahan" I think who gave the kiss of life before she too was exhausted!

After retirement, John aged about 60 married a young 25 year old woman.

 

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

 

 “I'm eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

 

His friends advised him : Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.

 

John promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant

 

Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, :  “How is your wife now?”

 

John : "She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and infact she is pregnant"

 

The friends laughed, as they expected this. And how is the tenant?” they asked

 

John replied very soberly “She is also pregnant”

 

Never underestimate  a Senior Citizen

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'
Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'
The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'
Alan asks, 'Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?'
The Priest smiles and replied,
'Alan, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers 3 stimuli.

The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn.

She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.

Finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself

I'LL ALTER HIM

.