4 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Here's the only thing missing from your one liners.......

 

My ex wife has just texted me saying "wish you were here," she does it everytime she walks through the cemetery.

Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.
 

I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !

 

 

 

 

When that random number text doesn’t work out well !!

My teapot has just had a big arguement with my kettle, but it's been brewing for a long time.

A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Bonzo" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same guy who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Time to hang up the car keys Margaret !!

Poor choice of album title there fellas !!

Didn't believe the above was real. I checked, & it is genuine!!

 

This is too:

 

 

Didn't believe the above was real. I checked, & it is genuine!!
 
This is too:
 
 

Don’t forget the breakaway solo album !!

Loretta !! What were you thinking !!

I’m so sorry Freddie [emoji20]

Once you hear this guys music you never go back ...... allegedly !!

So this is where The Donald got his idea from [emoji848]

Oh Leonard don’t be cruel [emoji51]

Where’s Wally ??

Here he is ! bring the straight jacket !!

Oh Eddie !!
Wait until the bishop hears about this !!

Featuring her number one hit “ a gottle of geer “ !!

I don’t read Dutch but this has to be rude [emoji848]

I’m sorry but it’s hard not to !!

( is that a guy holding the guitar ? )

Don’t worry Judy I’m sure he’s figured you have enough problems !!

Now this one is oddly interesting, wonder if there’s a dvd ??

And finally !!

 

 

Yes, you should have been, all three of you !!

 

Wait a minute where’s number 4 ?

 

24 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Oh Eddie !!
Wait until the bishop hears about this !!

This is the sanitised version.

 

It all started when he needed something to moisten his fingers when turning the pages of the sheet music.

This is the sanitised version.
 
It all started when he needed something to moisten his fingers when turning the pages of the sheet music.

Yup, she was facing the other way on the “ backside “ [emoji849]

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

And finally !!

 

 

Yes, you should have been, all three of you !!

 

Wait a minute where’s number 4 ?

 

Forget about number 4, just look at what all that Dick handling's done to the eye of the poor chap on the right.  Mother was right.  You will go blind!