A young girl went into confession and told the priest she had slept with four different men over the past week. Jack on Tuesday, Bill on Wednesday, Peter on Thursday and Chuck on Friday. 
"Well my child" said the priest "on your way home tonight buy two lemons and suck on them." 
"But Father, will that cleanse me of my sins?" she asked. 
"No, but it'll take that damned smile off your face." 

Fun for all the family !!

Sad but true ☹️

Be careful what you wish for !!

I couldn’t manage a litre !!

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia.  The librarian said "They're right behind you".

 

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

 

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

Three women were discussing safe sex. The first said she used the pill, the second said she always used condoms and the (tall) third said she always used a biscuit tin with a few pebbles inside. The other two looked at her in amazement. 
"How does that work?" they asked. 
"Oh, it's easy really. I get the man to stand on the tin and when I hear the pebbles start to rattle I kick it out from under him." 
 

Two women talking over the garden wall. The first said "It's no good Julie, I'm at my wits end. I can't stand the sight or sound of George any longer. He treats me like dirt, he's never at home, he just uses the place as an hotel and I know he's sh*gging everything in sight. It's having a terrible effect upon me, I've already lost a stone in weight and having to attend the doctors. 
"Leave him Sylvia, leave him today and take him for everything you can," replied her outraged friend. 

"Oh I will, I will, but first I've just got to lose another fifteen stone and get my STDs and HIV cured." 
 

Finding her cooker had packed in, Beryl called up the repair man and arranged for him to come round on Tuesday morning. 
"I won't be in," she said, "but I'll leave my key with the next door neighbour. Please leave the bill with her when you've finished and I'll pop a cheque in the post. Oh, by the way. I've got 'growler'-- a very fierce guard dog -- but you'll be alright if he sees the neighbour let you in. I've also got a parrot but be warned, whatever you do, please don't say anything to it." 
Having been given all the instructions the repair man went round on Tuesday morning and soon had the cooker repaired, although the whole time he'd been there he'd had to put up with a stream of obscenities from the parrot. As he was packing up to go his temper snapped and he turned to the parrot, saying, "You irritating little bast*rd, go and drop dead." 
The parrot went very quiet and then with a gleam in his eye rose to his full height on the perch and screeched--
"Growler, kill... growler kill! ." 

 

PS; The funeral is next week!