The Effin Bee (as sung by Matt McGinn)
In a province of France
Lies the little town of Effin
And this recitation tells the story
Of one of the residents
Whos hobby was Beekeeping
.. and it goes like this.......

He kept bees in the old town of Effin
An Effin Beekeeper was he.
And one day this Effin Beekeeper
Was Stung by a big Effin Bee.
Now the big Effin Beekeepers wee Effin Wife
For the big Effin Policeman she ran
For there's nobody can sort out a big Effin Bee
Like a big Effin Policeman can

Now this big Effin Policeman, he did his nut
And he ran down the main Effin Street

 

In his hand was a big Effin Baton
And he had big Effin Boots on his feet.
The Policeman got hold of this big Effin Bee
He twisted the Effin Bee's wings
But this big Effin Bee got its own back
For this Big Effin Bee had two stings!

Now they're both in the Effin Museum
But the Effin folk often come see
The remains of the big Effin Policeman
Stung to death by the big Effin Bee!

Thats the end of wee Effin story
Tis' an innocent wee Effin tale
But if you ever tell it in Effin
You'll end up in the Old Effin Jail

18 hours ago, fangless said:

Zipp it Jimmy or you'll be gettin fitted for a concrete overcoat!

????

For the other Scottish friend!!

Yir headin fur a moothfae ae wee heedies pal.

Your Scottish friend.

????????

31 minutes ago, overherebc said:

Yir headin fur a moothfae ae wee heedies pal.

Your Scottish friend.

????????

If you had threatened me wi hoodies and Tall Boys, not heedies, I might have accepted that you were still slightly following the tailored thread of the earlier exchanges but I think you have got too hemmed into the violent aspect of the last few zippy thrusts and have gone off pattern!

In other words "Button it Jimmy".

????

A not so Scottish friend!

I'm told that fat men make lousy lovers.

 I can't really comment as I've never made love to one!

5 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

There was a joke on what Hitler meant by that salute: Gray paint up to here, white paint from here to ceiling...

 

(he was a painter, after all)

 

Some interesting parts about him (not a joke):

- He's actually Austrian, not German

- His best friend was Jewish

- He was rejected from academy of arts in Vienna, and lived with his Jewish friend's family in Vienna when he had no place to live

- He only focused repression against Jews as that was politically popular at the time

- He was a short man and had his photographer take photos from low angle, to make him look taller. He was very frustrated over his height

- He was a heavy cocaine addict, and that was prescribed to him by his doctor for health problems

 

There's more, but enough for now. Source: National Geographic

Was gassed in WW1 and found the experience so bad he refused to use gas in the fighting in WW2.

1 hour ago, fangless said:

If you had threatened me wi hoodies and Tall Boys, not heedies, I might have accepted that you were still slightly following the tailored thread of the earlier exchanges but I think you have got too hemmed into the violent aspect of the last few zippy thrusts and have gone off pattern!

In other words "Button it Jimmy".

????

A not so Scottish friend!

Says he tae me

Wiz thon yoo?

Says I who?

Says he you?

Says me, me?

Says he, aye

Says I naw

Says he it must hae been sumday awfie like ye.

 

The Aberdonian
An old man from Aberdeen asks the dentist what the cost is for a tooth extraction.
‘It is eighty-five pounds for an extraction, sir,’ the dentist replies.
‘Itty-fi poonds? Huv ye no goat onythin cheaper?’
‘That’s the normal charge,’ says the dentist.
‘Wit aboot if ye didnae yoose ony anaesthetic?’
‘That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock fifteen pounds off.’
‘Wit aboot if ye yoosed wun o yer dentist trainees and still didnae yoose anaesthetic?’
‘I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop to forty pounds.’
‘Wit aboot if ye mak it a trainin session – huv yer student doo the extraction wae the ither students watchin and learnin?’
‘It’ll be good for the students,’ mulls the dentist. ‘If we did all that, I’d charge you only twenty pounds overall. But I must warn you, it will be traumatic.’
‘Och, noo yer talkin, laddie!’ the old man exults with a cackle. ‘It’s a deal! Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife nuxt Toosday thun?’

 

For any Scots friends I might have left

 

 

Garbage Collector
A garbage collector is going along the street emptying wheelie bins into his dust-truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, so he has a quick look for it round the back of the house but still can’t see it.

In the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door. There’s no answer. Being a thoughtful and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder. Eventually, a Japanese bloke comes to the door. ‘Harro!’ says the Japanese chappie.
‘G’day, mate! Where’s ya bin?’ asks the collector.
‘I bin on toiret,’ explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the foreign fellow has misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. ‘No, mate, where’s your dust bin?’
‘I dust been to toiret, I toll you!’ says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
‘Listen,’ says the collector. ‘You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your wheelie bin?’
‘Okay, okay,’ replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.

 

‘I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife’s sister.’

 

For my Chinese friends!

2 hours ago, fangless said:

For any Scots friends I might have left

 

2 hours ago, fangless said:

For my Chinese friends!

I have a feeling that you will soon have to change your name from "fangless" to "friendless".

7 minutes ago, farang51 said:

 

I have a feeling that you will soon have to change your name from "fangless" to "friendless".

I probably need fangs more than I need friends, assuming I ever had any!

 

This is for my cat.  ????My one true friend if a cat can ever be thought if as a friend!

3 hours ago, fangless said:

 

The Aberdonian
An old man from Aberdeen asks the dentist what the cost is for a tooth extraction.
‘It is eighty-five pounds for an extraction, sir,’ the dentist replies.
‘Itty-fi poonds? Huv ye no goat onythin cheaper?’
‘That’s the normal charge,’ says the dentist.
‘Wit aboot if ye didnae yoose ony anaesthetic?’
‘That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock fifteen pounds off.’
‘Wit aboot if ye yoosed wun o yer dentist trainees and still didnae yoose anaesthetic?’
‘I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop to forty pounds.’
‘Wit aboot if ye mak it a trainin session – huv yer student doo the extraction wae the ither students watchin and learnin?’
‘It’ll be good for the students,’ mulls the dentist. ‘If we did all that, I’d charge you only twenty pounds overall. But I must warn you, it will be traumatic.’
‘Och, noo yer talkin, laddie!’ the old man exults with a cackle. ‘It’s a deal! Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife nuxt Toosday thun?’

 

For any Scots friends I might have left

 

 

Two scotsmen having a drink together.

One says to the other   yir no lookin awfie happy, whit's the mattir?

Och he says  Ah hud tae buy a new comb an it wiz two poonds.

Och dear a new comb wiz two poonds. Whit wiz wrang wi the auld wan?

Och he says it lost a tooth.

Ye bought a new wan coz it lost a tooth?

Aye he says it wiz the last tooth it had.

Yes, this is another real product.

 

 

 

There was even a UK version.

 

 

 

On 11/21/2021 at 6:33 PM, sanuk711 said:

Morbid humor----No--Worst Joke Ever....thats what the topic is named................................................

Well, I do find some of the worst jokes to be the funniest.  

On 11/21/2021 at 8:18 PM, fangless said:

Why? Are you on a two week singles holiday or locked up in jail?

No, I was just upset that the refrigerator let the milk spoil.  
Now, neither of us is on speaking terms for the third time this year!

Damn cat…

 

9 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Damn cat…

 

Hey! That was the bottom line of my last eye exam!

4 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Shocking behaviour!

????????

6 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Blow me!

10 minutes ago, tomazbodner said:

Hey! That was the bottom line of my last eye exam!

That was on the last prescription from my doctor!

On 11/22/2021 at 5:55 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

OH!  That's how you mute the damn thing!

26 minutes ago, radiochaser said:

No, I was just upset that the refrigerator let the milk spoil.  
Now, neither of us is on speaking terms for the third time this year!

Are you saying that the fridge and the milk talk to each other or they talk to you?   

 

PS; How did you spoil the milk, did you give it too much cream for supper?