14 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

It is a pity they do not say if you have to pay and if so will you get screwed!

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
Best man says "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited?"
Groom replies "I just had the best <deleted> I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me"
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she too has the biggest brightest smile on her face.
Maid of Honour says "Hey girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited?"
The bride replies "I have just given the last <deleted> of my entire life."

A chip shop in Greenock, Scotland, is selling 'Britain's unhealthiest takeaway'.
It's actually a nutritious salad, but because the takeaway is in Greenock you get stabbed on your way home.
 

How long can you keep a Turkey in the freezer?
The reason I ask is that I put mine in last night.
And it's dead now.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies,
before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows –
it’s a rocky road.

My girlfriend said if I brought her one more stupid gift she would burn it.

So I brought her a candle.

Christmas, that time of year where getting anything out of the fridge is like a game of Jenga.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges,
my door’s always open.

A man has been run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then another red lorry.
Police say there's no easy way to tell his family.

Which famous name, born on December 25th, is finished off by a cross ?
Annie Lennox.

The council have said if we want our avenue to be electric
we'll have to apply for an Eddy grant.

All cats are actually left-handed.
That's why you rarely see them using scissors.

My local chippy still wrap their fish and chips in old newspaper.
I had a Plaice in the Sun yesterday.

Remember the old days when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Man, we were wild...

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?

My Boss;
This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means ?
Me;
It's Wednesday ?

Stop Press !!
Latest travel update.
UK citizens can only visit countries who voted for them in the Eurovision Song Contest.

 

 

5 hours ago, Zyxel said:

That d!ck seems to have his finger on the problem!

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

How long can you keep a Turkey in the freezer?
The reason I ask is that I put mine in last night.
And it's dead now.

Maybe it is just chilling and need the stuffing knocked out of it!

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies,
before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows –
it’s a rocky road.

But the snackle and crack provides a long way for pop to go!

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My girlfriend said if I brought her one more stupid gift she would burn it.

So I brought her a candle.

Do you now have an enlighted relationship or is your candle just blowing in the wind?

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges,
my door’s always open.

I'll try and swing bye tomorrow and see if I can put a handle on the problem!

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My local chippy still wrap their fish and chips in old newspaper.
I had a Plaice in the Sun yesterday.

Was it a tasty and titillating experience?

Please reference  "page3" in your response.

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Remember the old days when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Man, we were wild...

I remember as I used to get all puffed out, snuff said!