Lack of gratitude in a Thai relationship

[Kenny202]

4 minutes ago, chalawaan said:

Sounds like you may have metaphorically gone for the sexiest slut on Soi 6 for the flex, and now you're paying dearly! 

 

 

We've all done it.

Whether for just an hour, or a relationship, and come away feeling scammed.

 

 

I never go for the hotties, they're usually the female version of those dating boot camp guys who game chicks non-stop.

 

 

Anyways I have a good older woman now, and we have mutual respect and our previous emotional scars to bond us. 

She gives me a very long leash. Actually she's now menopausal and not interested in sex. 

 

But I understand sex and love need to be kept very seperate under such a generous arrangement on her part.

 

 

So I get great cooking, fun companionship, we're always getting high (which she arranges) and going out on the town for a few hours, and I never stop hugging her, and telling her she's beautiful, and bringing her flowers from our garden, and morning coffee in bed every day.

In return, I get plenty opportunities to openly date when she's out of town. 

I even share the girls pictures, as she seems to get a buzz out of passing judgement on thier looks.

 

I tell these girls, I'm married straight up. Sometimes money changes hands sometimes not.

There's always of course, something in it for them, if only an extravagant night out in return for some slap and tickle. They're not young enough to be my granddaughter either. Late 30s up. 

 

This is the way to go.

 

Don't fall for some vain beautiful useless ride that will break your heart, bust your balls, and leave you broke. 

 

 

Also (to anyone reading)  get a vasectomy! It's the single most important thing a man can to ensure a life of selfish indulgence! 

If you want deeper meaning, go help the less fortunate, just don't breed!

 

 

No, incorrect. First time yes...BIGTIME. But lesson learnt. I have come to learn age difference etc doesn't play as big a part of success as you may think. Logically you would think it would. I have know several guys had more problems with older "normal" type village women than younger women. Gambling mostly. 2 of them back home now back working to try and save their home and assets. Why I would never recommend anyone straight off the bat going to live in their girls village. Too many bad habits, access to gambling....skeleton's lurking around in the form of old BF and an endless queue of "friends" wanting to loan money. 

[Kenny202]

18 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

A couple of years ago my gf though it is a good idea to tell me all the time what mistakes I made in the past. Yes, I made mistakes and I apologized. But she still complained again and again.

 

What you describe is probably the same as what I described as the "Facebook" list of indiscretions....real or imagined or just lies....to be used as a face saving insurance should the relationship fail and they return back to their village or family in what they perceive as shame. Possibly learnt from a long history of abuse, disappointment and abandonment even from childhood. Who knows. But I have experienced this quite often. Embarrassment and face is one of the strongest motivators for Thais, their whole life is based around it. I often see relationships destroyed mainly because of the actions displayed in fear of the relationship ending. (unrealistic jealousies etc). Almost like they are so scared the relationship will fail better to kill it first

[Jerno]

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

Are you OK? Your post is one of the shortest I have ever seen from you.

Gamma.....short on words? The world is coming to an end!  555

[Lacessit]

21 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Thanks for your reply.

I have to admit I read only maybe 1/3 of your original post. Because it is so very long.

But at the beginning you showed already that you let things happen.

And now you write: "They either accept reality or don't moving forward and they may stay albeit bitterly for want of a better option or not."

They, the girls?

How about you? You could move forward and not accept her behavior. Tell her stop it or I am out of here. And then act accordingly.

 

A couple of years ago my gf though it is a good idea to tell me all the time what mistakes I made in the past. Yes, I made mistakes and I apologized. But she still complained again and again. That was the moment when I told her I have enough of this. Go to your village, think about your behavior. I don't want to see you. Maybe two months later I let her come back. And she was again a nice girl, and she didn't complain all the time. That happened a couple of years ago and she still is 95% of the time a nice girl. Problem solved.

And if she would not have changed then we wouldn't be together anymore. I won't let a girl ruin my life - even if she can be nice if she wants to be nice.

 

Your post reminds me of a situation I had.

 

A couple of years ago, my GF and I had a clash of beliefs. Our dog developed terminal cancer, it was pitiful to see him trying to drag himself around.

 

I wanted to have him euthanased, she didn't. Buddhist belief.

 

After a day or so of arguing, I said, OK, I am going back to my condo. I will not come back to the house until he is euthanased. If he dies without euthanasia, don't expect to see me for a long time, if ever. Do not come to the condo either.

 

After a week, she phoned me to say he was gone. She had a vet put him down.

 

She was very upset, saying she had done a bad thing. I think I managed to convince her what she did was merciful.

[BangkokReady]

1 hour ago, Kenny202 said:

My post are mainly about observations that I have never understood or probably come to terms with, rather than complaints.

Unfortunately, some users have some sort of personal issues whereby they cannot bear to hear anything negative said about Thailand or Thai people, even if it is a simple and honest observation.  They will put it down to "Thai bashing" or "bitter old expats".  I suspect they have some sort of ego attachment to Thailand whereby their ego is attached to a particular perception of Thailand.  This means that in order for them to feel happy, they have to view, and need others to view, Thailand as somehow superior to other places.

 

"Thailand is the best place in the world, Thai people are the kindest in the world, I love Thailand, I am part of Thailand, Thai people like me the most, therefore my status is elevated."  Something like that.  The result is that they cannot cope with anyone saying anything bad about Thailand and have to attack that person.  Thailand obviously cannot be the problem for them, so it must be the person making the observations.

 

Don't worry.  Most well adjusted people understand that Thai people are people and can do good and bad things.  It's also quite normal to discuss these kinds of things and try to understand them.  It's just human nature.  It's unlikely that people are going to post things like "I had a really great interaction with some Thai people today that made me really happy."  It just isn't how we work as humans.  When things go smoothly it can go unnoticed, but if things go badly we can dwell on it and wonder why.

 

It's kind of a caveman thing.  Which is more worthy of thought and discussion, the animal/food/tribe that could kill you, or the one that is not an issue at all?

[Lacessit]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Do you notice a pattern?

You let it happen!

IMHO many Thais are great in adapting to different situations and different people.

And they are used to the fact that there is, in any given situation, one person who is in charge and another person who follows that person who is in charge.

If you make it clear that you are in charge, then they will do what you tell them to do.

And if you are not in charge then guess what. Then they will lead and tell you what to do.

In your case it is obvious that you are not in charge...

 

I remember one of my favorite bargirls. She was perfect for every customer - just in different ways.

I.e. when I was with her, she played the naughty schoolgirl. When she was with other guys then she looked and behaved in other ways. Other clothes, other make-up, it sees she adapted perfectly to whatever the guy was looking for. And I am pretty sure all of us customers though that the version which they saw was her true self. Like: for all those others she plays a show. Only for me she is like she really is. Yeah, sure.

 

 

 

 

Beautiful, and probably harder than diamond.

[homeseeker]

OP: thank u for the interesting post.

Are you still together? Are children involved?

So do you want to get out of the relationship...or have you already?

 

Surely a lack of gratitude shows the motives are not concerned with your feelings...and just using you?

 

 

[yeahbutif]

I could have wrote this word for word..   totally agree.... But as the old saying goes you don't get something for nothing always a catch. . . So not sure of your age. But we and I see it all the time. Young sexy lady will old old decrepied men.  But its works man happy girl . happy at lest till the money runs out..... 

[Bruno123]

It's not just a Thai thing; it's a disorder. 

She doesn't care about you. Find someone that doesn't have that affliction. You aren't going to talk her out of it.

[HighPriority]

2 hours ago, Lacessit said:

Are you OK? Your post is one of the shortest I have ever seen from you.

AND it was singular !

Has anyone called the Dr yet ?

[proton]

They always know somebody who is getting far more than they are via idiot falang. Mrs has a relative who met a western pilot online. Even though not married yet he bought her land and house up country, new white Merc sports car and a condo in Sathorn Bkk. Plus 100k a month allowance. Even allowing for some exaggeration this is insane and liable to cause jealousy, and as for gratitude she put the condo up for sale already! Wedding approaching not found out about sinsot yet! 

[473geo]

I understand the Op, it does come as quite a culture shock if some sort of appreciation is not forthcoming, more so if our western upbringing ingrained the 'thank you' as being almost automatic and sincere 

I do get thanks in the shape of a wai from people, and actually find this rather embarrassing, same as the gentile subservient style of water pouring by family at songran, my son throws out a wai when he returns from school every day, I am not comfortable with ' elevated' status, I prefer, and do get from my family the occasional thank you 

However returning to the Op comments if we are going shopping for groceries and I hand my wife 10,000 baht, seldom a thank you just straight into the handbag, so have removed this little irk by having her take money from the machine at the supermarket ????

I think lack of showing a little appreciation at appropriate times could well hamper farang Thai relationships, as surely no person wishes to be taken for granted. 

Just my thoughts, no biggie, as I say my kids are polite that makes me proud

 

 

[Excel]

1 hour ago, chalawaan said:

We've all done it.

Whether for just an hour, or a relationship, and come away feeling scammed.

 

Speak your yourself sunshine, not all of us

[proton]

If she does not wai you every time you give her money, however small, or especially at bedtime then that's a red flag IMO.

[Iamfalang]

3 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

where you are monetarily /effort wise clearly bringing 95% more to the table than she is...

maybe deep down she is giving you emotional support, PRICELESS!!!   Why is money the metric to determine the worth of an individual?   it's only money, give her love.  true love.  the deepest love possible.  forget money.

 

yea, this is why I'll never give a Thai more than 1000 baht.  lol.  I've helped a lot of Thais with stuff and some with very small amounts of money (free food, 100 or 200 baht stuff), but there is no way I'm playing this game.

 

this is a fool's game.  and you will get very, very bitter for being played.

 

but maybe this is the way, and you should thank her.   

 

we come here to get fleeced.....some do.  

[Iamfalang]

2 hours ago, GammaGlobulin said:

genuflect, overly, in public. 

IF I give 5 baht or more, this is what I command!!!!  

pros trate

/ ˈprästrāt /

 

adjective

 

1. lying stretched out on the ground with one's face downward.

    

    

[Kenny202]

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

Your post reminds me of a situation I had.

 

A couple of years ago, my GF and I had a clash of beliefs. Our dog developed terminal cancer, it was pitiful to see him trying to drag himself around.

 

I wanted to have him euthanased, she didn't. Buddhist belief.

 

After a day or so of arguing, I said, OK, I am going back to my condo. I will not come back to the house until he is euthanased. If he dies without euthanasia, don't expect to see me for a long time, if ever. Do not come to the condo either.

 

After a week, she phoned me to say he was gone. She had a vet put him down.

 

She was very upset, saying she had done a bad thing. I think I managed to convince her what she did was merciful.

Try going head to head with them about kids at school and the reasons why she shouldn't be plying them with the poisonous cheap rubbish (Candy, 5 baht hot dogs etc) they sell at the front of said schools lol. Or why kids need to complete their homework etc. But Thailand different lol. 

[Kenny202]

53 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

Unfortunately, some users have some sort of personal issues whereby they cannot bear to hear anything negative said about Thailand or Thai people, even if it is a simple and honest observation.  They will put it down to "Thai bashing" or "bitter old expats".  I suspect they have some sort of ego attachment to Thailand whereby their ego is attached to a particular perception of Thailand.  This means that in order for them to feel happy, they have to view, and need others to view, Thailand as somehow superior to other places.

 

"Thailand is the best place in the world, Thai people are the kindest in the world, I love Thailand, I am part of Thailand, Thai people like me the most, therefore my status is elevated."  Something like that.  The result is that they cannot cope with anyone saying anything bad about Thailand and have to attack that person.  Thailand obviously cannot be the problem for them, so it must be the person making the observations.

 

Don't worry.  Most well adjusted people understand that Thai people are people and can do good and bad things.  It's also quite normal to discuss these kinds of things and try to understand them.  It's just human nature.  It's unlikely that people are going to post things like "I had a really great interaction with some Thai people today that made me really happy."  It just isn't how we work as humans.  When things go smoothly it can go unnoticed, but if things go badly we can dwell on it and wonder why.

 

It's kind of a caveman thing.  Which is more worthy of thought and discussion, the animal/food/tribe that could kill you, or the one that is not an issue at all?

Possibly contrary to what some may think of my post... I do like Thai people, very much. I have 2 Thai sons. And this post not necessarily based on the the relationship I have now, nor am I trying to move her on. Not to say she doesn't have some of these traits. I know I have more than a few traits she finds hard to understand. I find it a very welcoming and tolerant place to be. And of course I wouldn't live here if I didn't like it. Reminds me somewhat of home in the 70's early 80's. Not too many restrictions and most things possible. Like I said observations. I think most come on here to blow off a bit of steam....good or bad. One thing I do find admirable about Thais is their fellowship, support and comradery. A trait we Westerners don't seem to possess, not in this digital age anyway

[spidermike007]

I think it is safe to say, that a man with self esteem, who feels good about himself, is going to look for the exception, rather than the rule. Sure, there are alot of mediocre women out there, who do not have much in the way of perspective, but is that what we want? I see alot of guys with women who are not very nice to them, or are downright abusive. Why on earth would anyone let themselves get involved with someone like that, when there are so many good options out there?

 

Many of us have been fortunate to find very good women, who brings alot to the table, and has a sense of appreciation, gratitude, and is not too arrogant to say thank you. And visa versa. I never hesitate to praise my gal, and thank her for her kindness, a lovely meal, and other things she does to improve my life. I was fortunate to find a good woman, but I really took my time getting to know her. She is the same lovely woman from one day to the next. She has a smile on her face when she wakes up in the morning. Never experienced that in the states. Some Thais manifest that unbearable lightness of being, that is so delightful to be around. I cannot really get enough of that spirit, and feel so blessed to be around that, and to have found such a well adjusted and delightful creature.

 

I think finding a good woman requires a proper qualification process. Taking a long time to make a determination to see if she is worthy of your time, and devotion, is always a good idea. See what she is made of. See what kind of heart and soul she has. Many women like to push the timetable. It is up to us to push back. There are plenty of very good women here. Take your time finding one, and keep your standards high. You owe that to yourself. 

[Kenny202]

50 minutes ago, homeseeker said:

OP: thank u for the interesting post.

Are you still together? Are children involved?

So do you want to get out of the relationship...or have you already?

 

Surely a lack of gratitude shows the motives are not concerned with your feelings...and just using you?

 

 

You know maybe that's what some people missed in my OP, or maybe I wasn't clear. Some are out and out ungrateful or entitled. Some may be grateful and show it in other ways but will seldom hear anyone voice it. And I am not talking about a wai every time you walk in the room or bowing and scraping....just normal appreciation. There must be a reason in Thai culture why it doesn't happen? To me it seems like they are taught or learn not to show a soft side or expose yourself as it will be taken as a weakness...and lets face it often acts of kindness or charity are often eyed with suspicion in Asia...Either you are an idiot to be taken advantage of or expecting something in return. 

[Fat is a type of crazy]

 

I have noted before I think Thai people , as a massive generalisation, can be a bit faint or weak hearted. It can  show itself in a kind of shallowness, a limited desire to do be active in intellect or action, a kind of blankness. Could be a downside of buddhism or could be due to a history of poverty where being to aware of yourself and your place in the world was not so pleasant. 

An upside is that they often let you do your thing - but is that because they are strong and understand you or because they don't really care as long as they get what you want. 

 

The downside of western women has been discussed, and I think men can be entranced by the upside of thai ladies, while not taking into account that they may lack the strength of character and strong heartedness of western women. So they are confused by the kind of blankness. This doesn't apply to all thai women of course but is just an observation of others outside my inner circle. The more the lady has had to sell her body in different ways the more she may be afflicted. 

 

[Kenny202]

40 minutes ago, yeahbutif said:

34 minutes ago, 473geo said:

I understand the Op, it does come as quite a culture shock if some sort of appreciation is not forthcoming, more so if our western upbringing ingrained the 'thank you' as being almost automatic and sincere 

I do get thanks in the shape of a wai from people, and actually find this rather embarrassing, same as the gentile subservient style of water pouring by family at songran, my son throws out a wai when he returns from school every day, I am not comfortable with ' elevated' status, I prefer, and do get from my family the occasional thank you 

However returning to the Op comments if we are going shopping for groceries and I hand my wife 10,000 baht, seldom a thank you just straight into the handbag, so have removed this little irk by having her take money from the machine at the supermarket ????

I think lack of showing a little appreciation at appropriate times could well hamper farang Thai relationships, as surely no person wishes to be taken for granted. 

Just my thoughts, no biggie, as I say my kids are polite that makes me proud

 

 

Like I said not expecting bowing and scraping....and a lot of guys comment about Thais not normally giving thanks and Western culture...but when you see someone wai ing (Thai thank you) someone they don't know or owe anything to....a Grab driver for eg> for something he was paid to do....or same to a person they met 2 minutes ago you start to think.....hang on? I think Thais still have even more of a thank you culture than we do in the West. More so. Having said that it is quite possible some are like this with their Thai husbands. Just seems to me to be a facade they put up. Never give an inch. Maybe they know they are lucky or appreciate things just don't show it...really don't know

[VinnieK]

Best not to be involved with anyone.

Huge cultural differences , enough to drive you mad.

The only problem is what are your fallback position if you become sick/frail and need long term care.

[Kenny202]

10 minutes ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

 

I have noted before I think Thai people , as a massive generalisation, can be a bit faint or weak hearted. It can  show itself in a kind of shallowness, a limited desire to do be active in intellect or action, a kind of blankness. Could be a downside of buddhism or could be due to a history of poverty where being to aware of yourself and your place in the world was not so pleasant. 

An upside is that they often let you do your thing - but is that because they are strong and understand you or because they don't really care as long as they get what you want. 

 

The downside of western women has been discussed, and I think men can be entranced by the upside of thai ladies, while not taking into account that they may lack the strength of character and strong heartedness of western women. So they are confused by the kind of blankness. This doesn't apply to all thai women of course but is just an observation of others outside my inner circle. The more the lady has had to sell her body in different ways the more she may be afflicted. 

 

I don't think I made generalizations so much as generalization's of a particular type of person. I think it is ok to make generalizations about certain things if it is generally the case...Isn't it? 

[VocalNeal]

4 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

she seemed to treat food delivery drivers with more appreciation and respect than she did me 5555.

Each good deed you do for a woman is scored equally. 1 point.

But flowers 1 point

Buy a house 1 point,

Buy gold 1 point

et al. 

But more important, these points are not cumulative.

[Kenny202]

3 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

Each good deed you do for a woman is scored equally. 1 point.

But flowers 1 point

Buy a house 1 point,

Buy gold 1 point

et al. 

But more important, these points are not cumulative.

Never give flowers lol. First time I gave a woman here flowers they were apparently funeral flowers and extremely bad luck. The second I was asked do for what....what you do? I gave up then

[Excel]

2 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

Never give flowers lol. First time I gave a woman here flowers they were apparently funeral flowers and extremely bad luck. The second I was asked do for what....what you do? I gave up then

Perhaps you should have bought a bouquet of roses rather than a funeral wreath. ????

[thaibeachlovers]

4 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

It seemed to be a great sense of shame to her that I only built a modest single story home

Second and biggest mistake. Shouldn't have built a house for the <deleted> at all IMO. Hope the car is in your name.

First mistake was moving to village with her, IMO.

[law ling]

Cultural Note: It's good to remember that Thais are not conditioned to say "thank you" for every little thing - unlike us from the west, who are taught to say "please" and "thank you" for every damn thing.

 

As my Thai language teacher explained: "Thank you" is something Thais will say if they're given a car for their birthday - and is not something they say when the barman serves you your beer.

[Kenny202]

15 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Second and biggest mistake. Shouldn't have built a house for the <deleted> at all IMO. Hope the car is in your name.

First mistake was moving to village with her, IMO.

Correct on all counts, and yes lucky vehicle and bikes in my name.