Is it okay to lie to your partner of 5 years?

[superal]

14 hours ago, oxo1947 said:

Gosh.....you have really come to the right place then.....

Didn't you know that Aseannow has an agony aunt page ? ????

[mancub]

4 things

Check the Chonote to see if she's gambled your "home" away.

Do NOT buy any more land.

Ask to see any jewellery you may have bought her

and please don't get her pregnant.

 

'

[renaissanc]

Here are my thoughts. You really must confront her today or follow her to the village. If a couple cannot trust each other, the relationship is already dead and you are just living together. She is clearly not suitable to be your wife if you can't trust her. If she has been lying to you, eg she has a boyfriend or she's been gambling, you should end the relationship on the spot because these behaviours won't change even after she says, "I'm sorry tee ruk. I'll never do it again, etc." I think that your relationship is already dead. Sorry to be so frank.

[OneMoreFarang]

26 minutes ago, novacova said:

Personally I would would first ask and if not satisfied with the answers, then go and see what’s going on, though not being a coward and not confrontational either. That’s just me, at this point in my life I can handle just about anything, fear is your worst enemy.

It's not only you who has to be cool. Imagine she has a lover in that other place and imagine she told that lover that he beats her up. Then look what happens. Do you have a gun with you? Are you prepared to use it? If not, then better think twice. 

[Scouse123]

16 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Thank you guys. We're both in our thirties and get regular bedroom action so I really doubt she's cheating on me but you never know I guess. She might be gambling or it might be something else that I can't think about right now.

 

Ending our relationship isn't gonna be easy because we spent the last 2 years building our dream home here in the rice fields. This morning we were even talking with the neighbor about buying their land to expand our property. She loves her little garden here and so do I. It's a nice place. We truly love it here. If we split up, we will both lose it.

 

I bought the land for 500k two years ago and spent an extra 200-300k on home improvements. We've printed the usufruct but have yet to get it stamped at the Land Office. So the "chanod" (red bird document) is only under her name for now... I don't want to lose it all just on some assumptions that might be wrong.

It looks like you have made your mind up already just to tolerate this behavior and the only thing you are looking for on here is sympathy unfortunately.

 

Furthermore, your usufruct until registered is useless, but you know that. You don't want to follow her to this remote village in case you find something that you can't ignore, you know that too.

 

So instead you are resorting to writing on any anonymous forum instead of taking action to find out the truth as to what is going on.

 

Both gambling and playing away from home, as they believe they are smarter than us, is a common occupation for ' bored ' isaarn girls.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work and from what you are saying she isn't keeping to her end of the bargain.

[OneMoreFarang]

10 minutes ago, renaissanc said:

you should end the relationship on the spot because these behaviours won't change

People change, for the better or worse and the other way around.

Gambling: had that problem. No problem anymore.

Drugs: had that problem. No problem anymore.

A lot depends on how willing both are to compromise and how much they want to be together with each other.

I wouldn't start a relationship with a gambling drug addict. But after years of (hopefully happily) living together, I think partners should try first to find a solution.

Otherwise, the next partner will come and the same "I walk away from this" "solution" will be more likely.

Many of us can change if we want to.

[superal]

15 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Yes that would be ideal but then how would I know if she tells me the truth or just another lie...

 

Regarding the land, I'm aware I have pretty much no rights to it but this is Thailand and I can afford a much more expensive lawyer than she can if it really comes down to that...

Sorry to hear your plight however it is a common event in Thailand with farangs buying land , building home and then losing all . Expensive lawyers have been known to be dodgy and often side with the Thai wife ( unknowingly to you , until the conclusion , against you ) 

IMO , sit down and have a talk with her . Tell all that you know , no B/S , explain that lying is not acceptable in a relationship . If it is gambling there is a way out but if she is in another relationship , then time to move on for your sanity and safety . You are young and can recover from this problem . You are not alone  in this type of property wrangle with your g/f . Many Thai ladies pair up with foreigners for security and long term plans . 

[SOTIRIOS]

...Harsh Reality...

...Zero Respect For You...

...Only Not Hiding It Anymore...

...5 Years /20K Month/Probably Much More As You Make Excuses For Her At Every Turn...

...So 2-3 Million...No Strings Attached...

...You Got What You Asked/Paid For...

...& Obviously So Did She...

 

[novacova]

48 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

It's not only you who has to be cool. Imagine she has a lover in that other place and imagine she told that lover that he beats her up. Then look what happens. Do you have a gun with you? Are you prepared to use it? If not, then better think twice. 

That’s quite the imagination, though not likely. Even so, then so what. Confidence is paramount. If one is timid to point of being so restricted, then grab a couple of her family members and go investigate. If the relations with the family members are so lacking, then sorry, it looks like someone has got themselves in an awkward unpleasant situation and possibly without remedy.

Edited July 6, 2023 by novacova

[bunnydrops]

9 hours ago, jts-khorat said:

This is not a court case, so I would not think that 'proof' is worth anything.

 

Either this has a harmless explanation or it does not, so either there comes an explanation or acceptable confession, or not. No need to do any 'convincing' for that -- if that is necessary, the whole thing is doomed anyway.

As I said "If you go". If he was inclined to go to that location, it would not be a good idea to confront her there. "prove" he already has. Just showing her the picture would loosen her lips. Nothing would need to be said.

[novacova]

18 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Lately she's been having a lot of mood swings and been arguing with me over minor things.

An indication of infidelity and/or financial issues. 

[novacova]

18 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

I don't want our relationship to end like that after 5 years together

Many people tolerate infidelity in relationships, some even think it helps maintaining a good relationship. Just don’t think of her as your property and let her live her life as she pleases, if you’re capable of it. 

[Dexxter]

8 hours ago, Hummin said:

And when tired of it, write off the land and houses as rent and salery for cleaning and cooking, and leave.

This is one of the benefit of Thailand. Buying a house is very cheap compared to most of our home countries so if you lose it then it is not necessarily a major financial disaster. As you say, write it off as rent especially if you have been living there for a few years. I have been living and paying rent for my condo for the past 7.5 years and paid a total of 1.5 million baht rent. I would have to pay more than 4 million to buy an equivalent in this building and then I would be up for maintenance and various building related monthly fees. In my opinion it is always much better and safer to rent in Thailand than buy.

 

My very first Thai GF was always lying to me and I was too stupid to dump her after the first few weeks. I thought I loved her but in reality it was an addiction to a person rather than love, not even lust to be honest. She always hid her phone screen from me when using it, by attaching one of those covers with the flip lid so I could not see her screen even when I was laying on the bed next to her. She often had to go to visit family blah blah blah. She always lied about money and why she needed it, and always too much. The first place she found for us was a very basic Thai style room which cost 4000 baht deposit and 3000 baht a month rent. The first day we arrived she offered to go downstairs and pay the deposit and rent and told me it was 9000 a month and the deposit was 15000. Being a newbie I believed her and gave her the 24000 baht. After a few days she "got a call from her family" and had to go see them for a few days and needed another 15000 baht for her bus fare to Khon Kaen and some food. I thought it was too much but being new and having no idea still gave her 10000. She did not answer calls or come back for more than a week. After she left and I went downstairs I happened to notice the cost of rooms painted in bold letters on the front window of the building which I didn't see when we first arrived.... 4000 baht deposit and 3000 baht a month. I got really p1$$ed off and was ready to leave her at that point. Ended up visiting Soi Cowboy and Nana every night for the week she was gone. Ended up dumping her a few months later when I received from an anonymous Facebook person a few photos of her being "lovey-dovey" with her Thai boyfriend. The anonymous person told me that all her family and friends were laughing at the stupid farang who was so easy to scam out of tens of thousands of baht. I could have been angry but instead I just dumped her, blocked her, and moved on, considering it an expensive life lesson on how to be a lot less trusting of Thai people.

 

My current Thai wife of 8 years is quite the opposite of that previous woman. She is honest, frugal and caring. She also knows that I learned a lesson from that previous relationship and that I am not easily fooled like I was back then.

[Dexxter]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

It's not only you who has to be cool. Imagine she has a lover in that other place and imagine she told that lover that he beats her up. Then look what happens. Do you have a gun with you? Are you prepared to use it? If not, then better think twice. 

This Thai girl I once knew asked if I could come and help her move her things out of a room in Bang Na. I agreed and got into a pickup with her, a couple of her girlfriends and this young heavily tattooed Thai guy who was driving. I overheard some of the conversation about how she was frightened for her life because her Thai BF was threatening to kill her if she left. Now I was wondering why the hell I was with them in the car. I asked the driver what happens if the girl's BF shows up and he just grinned and pulled out a gun from the central console. "No worries, I stand guard" he said. It was a tense morning and luckily the BF did not show up. I decided not to see that girl again.

[JeffersLos]

Yes.

 

I lie to my partner of 5 years, 7 years, 3 years, 11 years, and 45 minutes. If I didn't they'd find out about each other. 

[digger70]

Try to find out were she's going and then see what she's doing there. It could be bad or just something she has to do.

[Scouse123]

1 hour ago, novacova said:

Many people tolerate infidelity in relationships, some even think it helps maintaining a good relationship. Just don’t think of her as your property and let her live her life as she pleases, if you’re capable of it. 

Yeah?

You think so? Let him just lie down and get walked all over abd pay 20,000 baht a month for the privilege?

 

What bloody nonsense.

 

The first thing to bring this person under control is to say you can no longer afford the 20,000 per month and cut it to ten, then reevaluate the situation based on her response.

[novacova]

2 minutes ago, Scouse123 said:

Yeah?

You think so?

Uhmm, yes. Many people have open relationships. If anyone doesn’t think so, then they’ve been living under a rock. If anyone thinks it’s wrong, well then they’re just intolerant of how other people choose to live. Its none of my business, and quite frankly none of your business either. ????

[Chongalulu]

18 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Thank you guys. We're both in our thirties and get regular bedroom action so I really doubt she's cheating on me but you never know I guess.

It's quite common that someone having an affair awakens the sex drive with their normal partner. 

Practically,a gambling addiction is probably much more difficult to end than promiscuity.

[Golden Triangle]

Just pay someone to knock the house down then skip town pronto ????

[OneMoreFarang]

10 minutes ago, nchuckle said:

gambling addiction

Lots of people, and especially Thai people, like gambling.

Not everybody who plays regularly is addicted.

I.e. when my gf is up country then sometimes she plays cards maybe 24h without break. And the next day she sleeps. And then likely no cards for a couple of months.

Maybe the wife of the OP is just bored at home, or maybe she wants to talk Thai with her friends for hours, And maybe she gambles.

It doesn't have to be an addiction.

 

And maybe she knows that if she tells him that she plays cards then she knows he will be upset. "Thai solution": Don't tell him, tell him some BS story.

Is that good. Not really. But maybe it is not as bad as some people think it is.

[OneMoreFarang]

10 minutes ago, Golden Triangle said:

Just pay someone to knock the house down then skip town pronto ????

And then she will send him a bill because he destroyed her house.

What a brilliant idea - or maybe not? 

[GarryP]

I can't believe I am siding with OneMoreFarang. I better go out and buy a lottery ticket. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by GarryP

[Scouse123]

54 minutes ago, novacova said:

Uhmm, yes. Many people have open relationships. If anyone doesn’t think so, then they’ve been living under a rock. If anyone thinks it’s wrong, well then they’re just intolerant of how other people choose to live. Its none of my business, and quite frankly none of your business either. ????

He who pays the piper calls the bloody tune, and that's how it works.

 

Thais will always push the boundaries to see how far they can go, it's in their DNA.

 

And BTW open relationships do take place with the consent and knowledge of both parties.

 

It's not a case of give me my 20,000 baht a month, I'll do nothing for it except sneak around, not help in the house, I won't cook, clean or look after the kid as that is not as exciting as going out gambling and messing around with Thai men.

 

Many of these women come with baggage such as kids (or they are tattooed to high heaven from their time working in the bars) when their ' Thai men ' have got bored of them and they are then seeking security.

 

Only when they get a stable relationship with a foreigner that is prepared to offer a great deal, they get bored and want to go back to their reckless ways, usually at the expense of the forgiving foreigner.,

[Nemises]

Easy. GPS tracker secretly fitted to her vehicle. 

[Hummin]

8 minutes ago, Scouse123 said:

He who pays the piper calls the bloody tune, and that's how it works.

 

Thais will always push the boundaries to see how far they can go, it's in their DNA.

 

And BTW open relationships do take place with the consent and knowledge of both parties.

 

It's not a case of give me my 20,000 baht a month, I'll do nothing for it except sneak around, not help in the house, I won't cook, clean or look after the kid as that is not as exciting as going out gambling and messing around with Thai men.

 

Many of these women come with baggage such as kids (or they are tattooed to high heaven from their time working in the bars) when their ' Thai men ' have got bored of them and they are then seeking security.

 

Only when they get a stable relationship with a foreigner that is prepared to offer a great deal, they get bored and want to go back to their reckless ways, usually at the expense of the forgiving foreigner.,

Everything above connects to some kind of women, and for sure not as general view on thai women. 

 

Yes many single moms go tourist places to find a cow or more to milk obviously, and those who fall for it, tends to make wide generalizing on behalf of all women. 

 

It is okay to be smart, and seriously, nothing comes out of the blue, and in most cases the men is the ones to blame who, let this happen.

 

Why does it happen so often? Because the women is to smart for them? Give me some decent answers, not just give all the thai women vad names.

[BarraMarra]

5 hours ago, Victor Laszlo said:

So you go through her messages???

Do you think she has only 1 phone ????

[BarraMarra]

I think this is a wind up post cos most wouldn't post this question in the 1st place but ok let's play. First,  you will never be accepted into the Thai family, Second she will be seeing the thai b/f in the Village who has sat back taking most of the 20k you are giving her, Most village people in Issan scrape to survive they certainly cannot afford to gamble frequently, as posted we in the west understand when we are being lied to and respond Thais do not, they believe lying is normal and is acceptable. No point confronting her or sneaking around her village as soon as they get a sniff your checking up they will stick together and lie and you will get " Darling I love you I would never lie do you not love me " and as with most who are ruled by there heart not their head that they cave in. Man up ditch her and move on before your left potless.

[Celsius]

20 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

No way I'm giving up on nearly 1 million baht investment

 

What investment? You own f all. She owns you.

[OneMoreFarang]

46 minutes ago, BarraMarra said:

I think this is a wind up post cos most wouldn't post this question in the 1st place but ok let's play. First,  you will never be accepted into the Thai family, Second she will be seeing the thai b/f in the Village who has sat back taking most of the 20k you are giving her, Most village people in Issan scrape to survive they certainly cannot afford to gamble frequently, as posted we in the west understand when we are being lied to and respond Thais do not, they believe lying is normal and is acceptable. No point confronting her or sneaking around her village as soon as they get a sniff your checking up they will stick together and lie and you will get " Darling I love you I would never lie do you not love me " and as with most who are ruled by there heart not their head that they cave in. Man up ditch her and move on before your left potless.

Another wannabe expert. 

Only because you have a vague idea what could possibly happen doesn't mean this is what actually happens.

What's the point of your wild speculation? I was here, I also said something?

Yeah, sure.