LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!

I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”

I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”

The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.

“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”

The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.

“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less cover everyone !!

7 hours ago, roo860 said:

LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!

I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”

I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”

The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.

“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”

The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.

“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less cover everyone !!

Not quite!

Manny Cohen comes out of the pork butcher and gets knocked down by a car driven by Jamaican Errol who's smoking a spliff

Father O'Reilly (him again) rushes over and says to Manny "Are you comfortable, my son"

Manny looks up at him and says "I make a living, already"

We're getting closer.....

14 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Is that a bar in Toledo?

7 hours ago, VBF said:

Is that a bar in Toledo?

'Loose Wheel' by The Balgaard Brothers

Oh no, refugees from Venezuala !!!

I used to teach origami, but gave it up.

Too much paperwork.

We had to take it over. They were doing a terrible job there, just terrible.

10 hours ago, VBF said:

Not quite!

Manny Cohen comes out of the pork butcher and gets knocked down by a car driven by Jamaican Errol who's smoking a spliff

Father O'Reilly (him again) rushes over and says to Manny "Are you comfortable, my son"

Manny looks up at him and says "I make a living, already"

We're getting closer.....

Last week my wife and I were driving over the downs,

which will teach me to take a shortcut through a special school

I rang up that new rape advice line, but it turns out it's for victims.

I had a very stressful time getting here.

All trip this lorry driver was right up my a***.

But it was nice of him to give me a lift.

A Muslim guy bought one of the little houses at the end of our road.

Terrace?

No, he works in IT you racist bastard.

Gary Delaney.

And then there's this Jimmy Carr one:

If only Africa had more mosquito nets,

then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of AIDS.

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Last week my wife and I were driving over the downs,

which will teach me to take a shortcut through a special school

I rang up that new rape advice line, but it turns out it's for victims.

I had a very stressful time getting here.

All trip this lorry driver was right up my a***.

But it was nice of him to give me a lift.

A Muslim guy bought one of the little houses at the end of our road.

Terrace?

No, he works in IT you racist bastard.

Gary Delaney.

And then there's this Jimmy Carr one:

If only Africa had more mosquito nets,

then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of AIDS.

You win!!! 😂😂