My car wouldn't start this morning.

I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block.

He said: "Good day to you, Sir, and might I remark how splendidly handsome you look today?"

I knew the problem straight away:

bat flattery…..

I went to an Eskimo restaurant last week and asked the waiter what the specials were.

He said there's whale meat or whale meat or whale meat or the Vera Lynn.

What's the Vera Lynn? I asked.

Whale meat again, he said.

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself. "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?"

Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ..." and said "Smooth as silk?"

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the **** do you want?"

The man smiled, sat back in his chair and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"

I saw a job advertised as a ***** waxer's assistant in a Thai spa. The job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare ***** for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When i asked at the job centre they said I had to go down to the Malay border.

I said why, I thought the job was in Bangkok?

No they said that's where the back of the ****ing queue is!

Two Aussies die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing...

Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "We were told it would be hot here, but the temperature is mild compared to back home."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Aussies' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to turn the heating back down. He enters the room to see them having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"This is more like it. We can't pass up this wonderful weather without putting a shrimp on the barbie mate!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on Earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Aussies' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Wallabies won the Bledisloe Cup!”

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And the Thai license video...