Meanwhile, in Colombia !!

When your DIY extension finally attracts the attention of the authorities !!

 

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

The best advert for going straight, in more ways than one!

 

 

PS; 

I can't stand all this homo and hetero talk.

It's all Greek to me!

A smiling woman returned from the doctor’s to find her husband sprawled in a chair. 
“Why are you so happy?” he moaned, looking at her smiling face. 
“I’ve just been told by my doctor that I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.” 
“Really! and what did he say about your 50 year old <deleted>?” 
“We didn’t talk about you,” she replied. 
 

“Oh my darling, drink makes you look so sexy.” 
“But I haven’t been drinking.” 

 

“No, but I have.” 
 

A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding.

This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin. 
“But how can that be?” exclaimed the vicar. “You’ve already had two husbands.” 
“That’s true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look at it.

 

But this time I’m sure it will be different.

 

 

This time I’m marrying a lawyer so I’m sure to get screwed.” 
 

Two women are watching a love scene in a romantic film in the cinema when one turns to the other in surprise. 
“You’re not going to believe this, Mavis, but the man sitting next to me is masturbating.” 
“Dirty <deleted>, just ignore him,” she hisses. 

“I can’t, he’s using my hand.” 

OZ Joke...............

 

.

.

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

 

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties......and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

 

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No!" trying to contain his excitement.

She said, "Check your truck in the garage."

Major Payne came to visit a military hospital.  
Asked the first soldier - “What is your problem?”
Soldier says - “Piles, Sir”.
Major asks - “What treatment are you getting?
Soldier- “In the morning a compounder brings a bottle of iodine and applies iodine to the affected area with a brush.”
Major- “What do you wish to happen?”
Soldier- “I wish that I can get well soon and go to the border and break the teeth of the enemies.”
Major- “Well done.”

Major asked another soldier - “What is your problem?”
Second soldier - “I have a herpes.”
Major- “What treatment are you receiving?”
Soldier- “In the morning a compounder brings iodine and applies iodine to the affected area with a brush.”
Major- “What do you wish to happen?”
Soldier- “I wish that I recover quickly and go to the border and break the teeth of the enemies.”
Major- “Very good.”

Then the Major went to the next soldier and asked- “What trouble do you have?”
Soldier - “I have trouble with pyorrhoea in the teeth.”
Major - “Are you getting proper treatment?”
Soldier - “In the morning a compounder brings iodine in the bottle and applies iodine brush to the affected area.”
Major said - “And you will also wish that you get well as soon as possible and go to the border and break the teeth of the enemies??”
Soldier - “No sir, I do not wish it.”
The Major grunted and said - “So what do you want?”
Soldier - “I wish that the compounder who brings the iodine in the morning, should come to me first.”

9 hours ago, roo860 said:

 

Hahaha Super Dave Osborne. 

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. 
One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have any skin on it.” 
“That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies. 
“Cor! What does that mean?” 

“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.” 
“How old were you when they did that?” 
“About two days old.” 
“Did it hurt?” 
“It sure did. I didn’t walk for a year.” 
 

The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door neighbour when her little daughter walked in. 
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked. 
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour. 
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll rake around until you find it and then you’ll dig it up.” 
 

An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting these terrible urges, what can I do about it?” 
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening.” 
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business. 
“Can I help at all?” she says. 
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going. 
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy.

 

“The therapist’s wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head.”