When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, riding a bike. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Man 1

Can I ask you a question?

Man 2

You just have.

29 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Disposal cost of the wallaby is much lower.

46 minutes ago, overherebc said:

Disposal cost of the wallaby is much lower.

How much is a spade and a bag of quicklime ??

 

Asking for a friend !

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Like a well known lawyer said:it's cheaper to keepher!"

Two women talking over the garden wall. The first said
“It’s no good Julie, I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand the sight of George any longer. He treats me like dirt, he’s never at home, he just uses the place as an hotel and I know he’s having it off with everyone in sight. It’s had a terrible effect upon me, I’ve already lost a stone in weight. 
“Leave him Sylvia, leave him today and take him for everything you can,” replied her outraged friend. 

“Oh I will, I will, but first I’ve just got to lose another ten and a half stone.” 
 

Pam is at the end of her tether. Her husband is out of work and all he does is sit or lie in front of the TV drinking beer. 
One day, the washing machine breaks down and she asks him to take a look at it. 
“Leave it out,” he says. “Who do you think I am, a washing machine expert?” 
As luck would have it, later on in the day the vacuum cleaner packs up and again she asks him if he would have a look at it.” 
“Don’t be daft, woman, do I look like an electrician? Now leave me in peace.” 

And because things always come in threes, next morning the back door gets stuck and won’t open. Feeling very fed up, she confronts her idle husband and tells him about the door. 
“Sod off,” he replies, “do I look like a chippie?” 

That’s it. She’s had enough. She gets three different tradesmen in and all is repaired. In the evening, when she tells her husband about the repairs, he asks her how much the damn thing is going to cost. 
“Well, they told me I could either pay by cooking a five star gourmet meal  or giving them all sex,” she replies. 
“So what meal did you cook?” 

“Don’t be silly,” she says scornfully. “Do I look like Gordon Ramsay?” 

 

 

 

It was like a scene from Baywatch.

Three girls were being interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the question: “What would you do if you saw someone fall off a boat?” 

The first said she would race immediately into the water and swim out to rescue them.

 
The second said she would radio for a medical team to be waiting and then swim out to rescue them.

 
The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to go out while she waited on shore for help. 

Now which girl got the job? 

 

Why! the one with biggest bikini top of course! 
 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room

"What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!”

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively

"What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

What's the difference between a menepausal wife and a bad tempered pit-bull?

Lipstick, sometimes.

The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman turns to the girl and remarks severely, “You’ve had a few stiff ones tonight, Miss.” 

“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims blushing. “I didn’t know it told you that as well.” 
 

The judge turned to the very refined woman and asked, “I see you’re divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?” 

“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out.” 

“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s considered good manners in your circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out, is it not?” 

“I agree but I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly. 

Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community service. 
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your sentence you will return to me with a full report of your work.” 

The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return to him at the end of their sentence. 
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man. 
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies. 

“Well done, and how did you manage that?” 
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.” 
The judge then asks the second man how he did. 
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies. 
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage that?” 

“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle. 
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was their rectum before going into prison and how it would be wrecked later!!!!” 
 

How the "High 5" was invented: