I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns

I hope they turnip somewhere soon!

A very tall man walks into a bar...and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!

It will say ADIDAS in a minute.

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

I suggest you do not exchange your cash here!

 

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get a politician to answer a question using only Yes or No.

43 minutes ago, overherebc said:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get a politician to answer a question using only Yes or No.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get a politician to answer a question using only Yes or No. Honestly!

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers!

A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what major problems does your town have that only I and my party can fix for all you fine people?

The mayor replies:
"We have two problems"

The politician says only two and asks:
"What is your first problem?"

The mayor replies:
"Sir, our town has no doctor."

The politician pulls out his phone and makes a call.
"Hello... My dear friend Minister Franco I demand the Ministry of health sends a full M.A.S.H. unit here within  24 hours and follows up with plans for a full time dedicated surgery etc here, OK!!

 

(turns away and later turns back)

yes, yes... you will? Alright thanks!"

The politician turns to the mayor and says:
"Your first problem is no more! As you can see I can fix everything for you! Now what is your town's second problem?"

The mayor replies:
"Sir, we have no landline,  WiFi or cell phone service."

See, What ever happens we can't lose. That's Muller down there - he's your 4th cousin.

11 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

I'd tend to put it down to the Rockers...

US facing massive shortage... 

 

Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I’ve had it for 25 years...

It’s the end of an airer.

.

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.