Is it okay to lie to your partner of 5 years?

[jak2002003]

Op if you can't trust her, feel the need to check up and spy on her, and are getting stressed up about the relationship.......then you know its time to end it. It's not working. 

 

Kick her to the curb and get on with enjoying you life. 

[steven100]

3 hours ago, BritManToo said:

More likely she's visiting her Thai husband and kids.

exactly, 

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by steven100

[steven100]

if she's been lying about where she's been going for the past 5 years then chances are it's to see her husband.   I realize you won't like to hear that or even accept that but your not the first and you certainly won't be the last that it happens to.  From a logical point of view,  wouldn't the 5yrs of lying be sufficient to convince you to leave immediately .... I mean what's to gain by knowing what or who she's been seeing?  that'll only make you more angry and it won't end well,  Thais carry weapons everywhere they go so i'd think seriously about going to a village where you know absolutely no one and nothing about what goes on there. Chances are they are all related in some way so it can be dangerous.     just saying .....

 

[OneMoreFarang]

One more thing just came to my mind: If you look anyhow at her Google timeline, what does the past, maybe several years, show?

Did you visit that place also before? Maybe over a long time?

And/or are there other places which she visited regularly "unexplained"?

 

I am not sure that is the way to go forward with this. But if you are already looking at that data, then look at it.

[bunnydrops]

If you go. Just take a picture of her car at the location. Show it to her later if she says she was someplace else.

[jts-khorat]

28 minutes ago, bunnydrops said:

If you go. Just take a picture of her car at the location. Show it to her later if she says she was someplace else.

This is not a court case, so I would not think that 'proof' is worth anything.

 

Either this has a harmless explanation or it does not, so either there comes an explanation or acceptable confession, or not. No need to do any 'convincing' for that -- if that is necessary, the whole thing is doomed anyway.

[Dan O]

5 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Well those few years living here taught me that money talks in Thailand. This place is corrupt af at least compared to Western standards. Nobody cares whether my name is on the chanod as long as I can afford a more expensive lawyer than her. Spending 200k on a lawyer to save 1 million worth of property seems like a rational decision. I realize this is pretty <deleted> up and I truly hope I won't have to resort to that but I'm just planning exit strategies here...

good luck with that but I wouldnt waste any money pursuing that idea as you will lose in the end despite what you think about having an "expensive lawyer". Your in thailand and you have no legal standing. 

 

[Furioso]

To the OP it's not ok to lie. If you're honest and they're not or if you're a liar and they're honest it's a bad relationship. 

 

My woman lied to me, and wouldn't stop. One day she came home from work and I was gone. Both of us knew why. 

 

 

[Hummin]

Simple answer, if my wife lying to me, divorce next! Im not sure I move out, depending on why she is lying, but for sure, divorce papers will be signed.

 

And when tired of it, write off the land and houses as rent and salery for cleaning and cooking, and leave.

[rwill]

11 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

I know, people really hate to lose face over here! But other choice do I have to find out what's she's been up to?

tell her you know where she has been going and see what she says.

[findlay13]

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Edited July 5, 2023 by findlay13
Delete

[NORDO]

Lived with / married to Thai lady for 5 years.   Lady from good family and good education.   Very punctual with temple duties.

 

Continually lied to me.   Always lying to get more THB/USD/Euro/CAD from me.

 

Confronted her several times about the issue before buying her a “one-way” bus ticket.

 

She told me that all Thai people lie to better their life, that it is normal to do so.

[Victor Laszlo]

14 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

BTW I forgot to mention that we spend 99% of our time together (I work from home) and she never locks her phone. I'm pretty sure I would know if she had been messing with other guys.

So you go through her messages???

[AustinRacing]

It’s clear that your understanding of your relationship with her is different from her understanding of her relationship with you. Love is secondary to a lot of issan village girls. On one hand deceptive and tricky, on the other heavily influenced and coerced by her surrounding. In her mind she’s fulfilling her duties to you by meeting your basic needs. If she’s chosen a path that doesn’t accord with you, being in her “natural” environment will make your task of “sorting the issue” very difficult. 
Try this: tell her you’ve been offered a work opportunity to move to a far away location for a year. Make the assumption that as your partner she’ll be going too. Use “we” a few times. “We’ll have to find a place in such and such location”. If her reaction is that she’s not willing to go, but it’s ok for you to go then you know you’re just her ATM that she needs to provide some maintenance for from time to time. You can then decide whether this is what you want from life or not. Remember their definition of love is not necessarily same as yours.

[phetphet]

14 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

No way I'm giving up on nearly 1 million baht investment and an even bigger emotional attachment to this home just on a hunch. This is my first ever home and if I have to spend big bucks on a lawyer to keep it, I will certainly do it.

Until you get your usufruct signed, you have no rights to the property so if you intend to continue living there if things go wrong, get it signed in your name quickly.. Even then, if you split up and she wants it, she can make your life a misery.

 

Also. Going by your figures of losing 200-400 baht / day, she is losing 6000 -12000 baht / month just on her phone games. If she is gambling elsewhere as well, that is potentially even more loss.

 

Your suspicions will continue to eat away at you now so you need to find out what is going on.

 

[newnative]

Ask yourself if you are better off with or without her and go from there.  In order to help you with that decision, I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your GF, laying out all your concerns.  

[Hanuman2547]

I would look into getting a private investigator to check out what she has been doing.  It could be a number of things or a combination of things.

Visiting her BF/Kik/Tom etc.

Gambling with the girls and maybe some guys.

Visiting her husband & kids.

Visiting sick/aged relative, Mom?  Dad?

As for the house, you will most likely lose that.  This is Thailand and you will never be Thai.  If things do go bad, be prepared to move somewhere far away from where you are now.  Get a new phone, cut off all social media with her.  

 

Good Luck!

[Victor Laszlo]

I assume when she goes she doesn't tell you where, maybe you should ask her where she's going, talking from experience the not answering of the phone is big red flag, incidentally how and where did you meet this girl?

[ignore it]

Mr. Wanderer,

First the good news. 

Your not married

You got no kids with her

The reality:

Known as "The Sunk Cost Fallacy" or colloquial as "Throwing good money after bad"

What you've got vs what you've invested is disappointing ain't it.

In this case the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Failure to bail will cause a terrible costly crash.

Heart breaking reality, but count your blessings Dude.

Comparing your situation to a lot of the duffers here, what a lucky man you are.

I'd suggest going out and banging a couple dozen girls and getting a proper perspective on women and giving up on the Western "love" fantasy.

[kingkenny]

I would also be concerned she has borrowed money against the property.

[watchcat]

16 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

I don't want our relationship to end like that after 5 years together

5 years is a short time. Believe me, it'll end sooner or later.

[Expat68]

Ask her straight out that you know she has been lying, better than going to the village, you will soon know, she will probably breakdown in tears or get very angry, either way you will know

[Hamus Yaigh]

This woman is sucking the life out of the op. Time to cut your losses and move on.

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, NORDO said:

She told me that all Thai people lie to better their life, that it is normal to do so.

I think many of us lie from time to time, not just Thai people.

But constantly lying to our partner, family and friends is not acceptable.

[OneMoreFarang]

59 minutes ago, AustinRacing said:

It’s clear that your understanding of your relationship with her is different from her understanding of her relationship with you. Love is secondary to a lot of issan village girls. On one hand deceptive and tricky, on the other heavily influenced and coerced by her surrounding. In her mind she’s fulfilling her duties to you by meeting your basic needs. If she’s chosen a path that doesn’t accord with you, being in her “natural” environment will make your task of “sorting the issue” very difficult. 
Try this: tell her you’ve been offered a work opportunity to move to a far away location for a year. Make the assumption that as your partner she’ll be going too. Use “we” a few times. “We’ll have to find a place in such and such location”. If her reaction is that she’s not willing to go, but it’s ok for you to go then you know you’re just her ATM that she needs to provide some maintenance for from time to time. You can then decide whether this is what you want from life or not. Remember their definition of love is not necessarily same as yours.

In part I agree with you. But I disagree with your conclusion about him going away and she staying where she is.

I.e. if I would get a great (time restricted) job offer for a year i.e. in Singapore, then I would think hard if it would be a good idea to take my Thai gf with me. I am sure it would be difficult for her to adjust to another country. And what would she do over there when I would be at work? Being separated for a limited time, with visits, might be a better option, at least IMHO. 

[Sandboxer]

I think you, your gf and her bf really need to sit down and just hash out who gets her on which days. 

 

My gf's husband and bf didn't really get along with each other until I called a family meeting and now the 4 of us are in perfect harmony, and I only have to pay 50% of everything since the other boys are so generous to contribute 25% each to the or household(s). I'm a lucky guy.

[NanLaew]

15 hours ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Yes that would be ideal but then how would I know if she tells me the truth or just another lie...

 

Regarding the land, I'm aware I have pretty much no rights to it but this is Thailand and I can afford a much more expensive lawyer than she can if it really comes down to that...

Is it the fact that you've snooped on her unlocked phone the reason why you are avoiding the inevitable confrontation and seeking advice here?

 

Is there a possibility of a sick or ailing relative out in Bahn Nawk?

 

To me, it does sound like gambling since she has 'priors' in that regard.

Edited July 6, 2023 by NanLaew

[LikeItHot]

When you lease a car you pay a fixed monthly amount for a fixed time period. At the end of the fixed time period if you like the car you can pay a lump sum and keep it or return it and get a new one.  Do you like your car?  The new ones have that new car smell.

[novacova]

14 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I wouldn't go to that special place. Because if you are there, then spontaneously bad things might happen. Avoid!

Personally I would would first ask and if not satisfied with the answers, then go and see what’s going on, though not being a coward and not confrontational either. That’s just me, at this point in my life I can handle just about anything, fear is your worst enemy.

[novacova]

…Man-up be your own boss already