How do you deal with requests for money .

[tomgreen]

 

To put my question into some sort of context Ive been married to a Thai woman for over 20 years and have live permanently in Thailand for all of that time.

 

After we first married the wife’s parents started to ask for money from us ( me ) saying that they need to buy a new gas cooker or fridge or to carry out repairs to their house etc .  Being fairly new to what was expected after marrying a Thai woman , when it came to giving her parents any money , I just smiled and paid the request for money , thinking that I was doing the right thing and of course helping the wife’s poor parents along the way. 

 

Over time the number of requests by the wife's parents for money steadily grew and increased in the cash amount that they were asking for. Those requests for money always seemed to centre around the need to buy new house hold appliances / vehicle repairs / repairing their house roof etc.

 

I never really visited the wife’s parents house very often , but one day just after the latest request by the wife’s parents for more money ( to replace broken windows at their house and replace a damaged toilet bowl ) I decided to visit the parents house a month after I had given the parents the money to to replace the broken windows and replace the damaged toilet bowl.

 

When I turned up at the wife's parents house , it soon became apparent that ‘’ no ‘’ new household appliances had ever been purchased or ‘’ any ‘’ house repairs had been ever been carried out.

 

It turned out that the vast majority of all the money that I had ever given to my wife’s parents in the hope that it would better help their living standards had in fact always been passed on to one of my wife’s older deadbeat / alcoholic brother's . This deadbeat older brother had constantly been taking money from the parents under the pretense that he needed to purchase and run a pickup to help him find work . To date he has never purchased a pickup or found employment of any kind. 

 

Once I found what had been going on I told my wife that if her parents asked for money , I wanted to know exactly what the money was needed for , and if the request for money involved buying new house hold appliances , then I would personally buy the needed appliances my self and personally take them to the parents house. If the money was requested for house repairs or other services, I would personally arrange and pay for the work directly my self. If the request for money involved medical treatment , I would directly pay the money my self. In other words no cash would ever again be handed over to the parents  , for obvious reasons. 

 

Over time the requests from the wife’s parents for money slowed down , over time Ive purchase various household appliances and equipment , and delivered those items to the parents house my self, along with personally paying for any medical treatment that the wife's parents needed .

 

So I’m now wondering how others here who are married or in a relationship with a Thai woman deal with any requests for money that come from the Thai wife /  partners parents or family , and do you have any tips or advice on how to deal with those requests for money .

 

 

Tom

 

.

 
 

[AnotherOneHere]

Another 500+ posts thread incoming. 🧐

[ChumpChange]

What is your wife's view on the matter? 

[howlee101]

Until the bank (you) is closed, there will always be withdrawals. 

[stoner]

i would tell them to check the OR....and do they like it so far. 

[djayz]

Sorry, no hab. Mai mee dtang. Smile, turn around and walk away. 

[freedomnow]

It's so common this isn't it ?

 

Even if you bought the goods in question, from sounds of it they'd soon be pawned for cash by the sounds of it -sad but some guys are just set up as the family ATM... after they are taken through progressive 'hoop asks'...a common tactic...start small with big wins in mind...

[save the frogs]

1 hour ago, tomgreen said:

and do you have any tips or advice on how to deal with those requests for money .

what you're doing makes sense.

give whatever you are comfortable giving and check where the money is going.

 

but if it creates friction in the marriage and you start having arguments with the wife and/or the parents start haranguing the wife to cause dissent in the marriage because they want more, then the situation becomes more complex. you may need to decide if you want to keep the marriage alive, etc...  but that's not an issue yet ... but you can start thinking about it in advance  ...  and that depends on how strong the relationship is, if you have kids .... can a stranger on a forum advise you to leave the marriage or tolerate being harangued? I don't think so. 

 

The whole concept of "marriage" is based on finances first, and love second. 

Marriage is a complex financial arrangement that sometimes extends to parents of the spouse. 

Sometimes if you're lucky it works the other way around, where the parents leave you money. So in that case, do you think twice about taking it?

 

[AnotherOneHere]

2 minutes ago, djayz said:

Sorry, no hab. Mai mee dtang. Smile, turn around and walk away. 

 

Actually, no. Telling a (thai) woman that you don't have enough money will land you in even hotter water. Saying to (thai) woman that you don't have 20,000 Baht or that you have only 500 Baht left until the transfer comes from abroad is a no-go. You really don't want to approach it from this angle. 😅 Because before that next transfer comes or before you can prove you actually have some money, you will be seen as low as a street dog to her. 🐕‍🦺

 

You always want to present yourself as someone who is looking to buy a brand new BMW next week and, at the same time, looking for a new apartment in Bangkok paid in cash. Without ever letting her see your account and just second guessing. 🤑 When requests for money come, you just want to say no. Because I said no. Maybe there will be hurt feelings for an afternoon. But it's better than telling her you don't have 20,000 Baht.

 

A husband who doesn't have 20,000 Baht can be cheated on by a local Somchai, considered for replacement with a new farang, or have a loan taken out behind his back without being told, because he obviously doesn't know a thing about finances. 😑 However, presenting yourself as successful (without specifying how much) will just result in afternoon tantrums about not loving her family, followed by a return to normal a few hours later. Because in a woman's mind, you are worth it. 🤑

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, tomgreen said:

After we first married the wife’s parents started to ask for money from us ( me ) saying that they need to buy a new gas cooker or fridge or to carry out repairs to their house etc .

Who did the parents ask? You? Or their daughter?

In my case, and all cases I heard about, they ask their daughter. And maybe they tell the daughter to ask her husband, you.

So, who should be first responsible to verify the "request"? Their daughter, your wife, should do that.

Did she visit her parents regularly? Did she notice that a new fridge was requested but next time there was no new fridge? Did she ask her parents about that mismatch? Did she tell you about it? Or did she just next time tell you that her parents need a new rice cooker well aware that they don't need one and won't buy one?

 

To be fair, the daughters are often under considerable pressure to do what the parents want. But that doesn't mean that she has to lie to you. She could explain to you that her parents told her about the broken fridge, and she knows already that is BS. She knows (very likely) what will happen with the money. Did she tell you? If not, why not?

 

I suggest she should tell her parents that it is not your responsibility to pay for the drunk guy. And if they are still demanding then she should tell you the truth. And then it's up to you. If she doesn't tell the truth, then that is a problem between her and you, and not the parents.

 

And yes, I also paid for some things. And my gf is the buffer, she doesn't just tell me what any family member told her. 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

57 minutes ago, AnotherOneHere said:

You always want to present yourself as someone who is looking to buy a brand new BMW next week and, at the same time, looking for a new apartment in Bangkok paid in cash.

Thanks.

That is a wonderful way to put it.

I heard lots of guy telling their wife they still need money for retirement, sometime far away in the future, and this is why they can't give away money now. And it seems that explanation doesn't work with many Thais.

But that brand new BMW next week sounds interesting. 

[Foresttrump]

Homework and trust is the answer.  If you don't trust your partner from the start then it's not going to work.  Meet all the family! Parents, brothers, sisters and ex husband's if any, before you marry.  

 

Immediate family first financialy and if any spare each month the wife can help extended family.  i don't interfere because my partner understands how to budget on a set monthly income.  Maybe this will come back to bite me if she meets some western with a bigger budget !!

 

[Hummin]

If my wife pulled this on me, I would divorced her!

 

Her parents never asked for one baht, but I give when I see they need something, same as her brother do. 

 

We also pay them to work for us, so they do not need to ask.

 

 

[Robert Paulson]

How do you say kick rocks in thai 

[scubascuba3]

My lawyer friend's deadbeat druggy brother requests money off the parents who rely on my friend for money, the mother said to not send her money as the son checks the bank account and takes it, families are stuck with these loser family members.

 

Don't send the money, just say no have, it's going to drink and drugs most likely

[Skipalongcassidy]

If you have the wherewithal to "donate" money to any cause... you should develop the ability to let it go... it should no longer be your concern where or for what purpose it is spent... control seems to be your issue as it is with many... I give money and do not always like the way it is handled but i learned long ago that once it leaves my hand that is the end of my control.  This is not to say that you or I cannot control our money... as we should... but once given it is no longer ours.

[BritManToo]

6 hours ago, tomgreen said:

So I’m now wondering how others here who are married or in a relationship with a Thai woman deal with any requests for money that come from the Thai wife /  partners parents or family , and do you have any tips or advice on how to deal with those requests for money

Tell them you're broke and ask to borrow 1,000bht.

[BritManToo]

3 hours ago, Foresttrump said:

Homework and trust is the answer.  If you don't trust your partner from the start then it's not going to work.  Meet all the family! Parents, brothers, sisters and ex husband's if any, before you marry.  

 

Immediate family first financialy and if any spare each month the wife can help extended family.  i don't interfere because my partner understands how to budget on a set monthly income.  Maybe this will come back to bite me if she meets some western with a bigger budget !!

 

You can't trust any woman, is your partner another guy?

[2baht]

5 hours ago, AnotherOneHere said:

you will be seen as low as a street dog to her. 🐕‍🦺

Woof woof! Get the Hell out of there!!! 

[OneMoreFarang]

It seems some farangs with Thai wife/gf think they should never pay for anything, and they insist on that position - even if they have plenty of money.

Obviously, we should all decide by ourselves how we spend our own money. But I think if we are together with a Thai woman we love, and if she is from a poor family, then we can also from time to time help a little.

 

I didn't count how much I spent over the years. Not much, a little here, and a little there. All in all, I am sure I spent more money on coffee and chocolate for myself compared to what I gave the family. 

Some here would be reluctant to give 5,000B to the family, even if they would know the family would spend it carefully. But the same guys spent easily more than the 5k in one night out. I think it's a good idea to see things in perspective. 

[metisdead]

A post advocating bodily harm/death contravening our Community Standards has been removed:

• Do not post about illegal activities

[GrungthepGringo]

Unfortunately, only 3 possible outcomes:

 

1 - Continue paying

2 - Divorce and stop paying

3 - Stay married and wife agrees money flow must stop

[kawikasudo]

I knew an American living in Jomtien. He said he lived with his girlfriend for 20 years. He told her from the beginning that he’ll give her a monthly allowance (I assumed it was a good allowance). Because she lives with him she’ll eat free and don’t have to pay for utilities but she’ll get no more. She can save the money or give it to her family but she’ll get no more. It worked fine!

[simon43]

Nowadays, any requests for money are met with shrieks of maniacal laughter - they usually don't ask again......

 

It used to be different many years ago, and the scenario was exactly as you described >> they need to buy some household item - I give the money - said item is never bought but money has been used 'elsewhere'.

 

[KannikaP]

My partner's parents are gone, brown bread, her three sisters and two brothers have never asked me for money, the odd 1000 loan here and there. We live comfortably on what I transfer each month, pays for son's school etc.

I tell her that she can have whatever she needs, it will only mean less when I kick the bucket.

[stupidfarang]

Simple answer just say no. Never get into lending or giving money regardless as who it is.

[Ralf001]

I laugh at them.

 

[Presnock]

8 hours ago, tomgreen said:

 

To put my question into some sort of context Ive been married to a Thai woman for over 20 years and have live permanently in Thailand for all of that time.

 

After we first married the wife’s parents started to ask for money from us ( me ) saying that they need to buy a new gas cooker or fridge or to carry out repairs to their house etc .  Being fairly new to what was expected after marrying a Thai woman , when it came to giving her parents any money , I just smiled and paid the request for money , thinking that I was doing the right thing and of course helping the wife’s poor parents along the way. 

 

Over time the number of requests by the wife's parents for money steadily grew and increased in the cash amount that they were asking for. Those requests for money always seemed to centre around the need to buy new house hold appliances / vehicle repairs / repairing their house roof etc.

 

I never really visited the wife’s parents house very often , but one day just after the latest request by the wife’s parents for more money ( to replace broken windows at their house and replace a damaged toilet bowl ) I decided to visit the parents house a month after I had given the parents the money to to replace the broken windows and replace the damaged toilet bowl.

 

When I turned up at the wife's parents house , it soon became apparent that ‘’ no ‘’ new household appliances had ever been purchased or ‘’ any ‘’ house repairs had been ever been carried out.

 

It turned out that the vast majority of all the money that I had ever given to my wife’s parents in the hope that it would better help their living standards had in fact always been passed on to one of my wife’s older deadbeat / alcoholic brother's . This deadbeat older brother had constantly been taking money from the parents under the pretense that he needed to purchase and run a pickup to help him find work . To date he has never purchased a pickup or found employment of any kind. 

 

Once I found what had been going on I told my wife that if her parents asked for money , I wanted to know exactly what the money was needed for , and if the request for money involved buying new house hold appliances , then I would personally buy the needed appliances my self and personally take them to the parents house. If the money was requested for house repairs or other services, I would personally arrange and pay for the work directly my self. If the request for money involved medical treatment , I would directly pay the money my self. In other words no cash would ever again be handed over to the parents  , for obvious reasons. 

 

Over time the requests from the wife’s parents for money slowed down , over time Ive purchase various household appliances and equipment , and delivered those items to the parents house my self, along with personally paying for any medical treatment that the wife's parents needed .

 

So I’m now wondering how others here who are married or in a relationship with a Thai woman deal with any requests for money that come from the Thai wife /  partners parents or family , and do you have any tips or advice on how to deal with those requests for money .

 

 

Tom

 

.

 
 

That is fairly close to my situation...married a restarant owner/head chef (small place) who asked for money occasionally to "bail" out her siblings - did that for a year, sat her down, chatted about the situations of each - only one was a hard worker moving up in the business that she worked for, and explained to my wife  that I didn't mind small donations for health of mom and dad occasionally - cheaper to buy them insurance along with their national healt care so pretty cheap and that has been the way it is for 20+ years.  Wife is happy (moved away from family), family continues on their ways and mother and father of wife are happy.  I too am happy, I could afford to give them all monies regularly but...I was not brought up in a rich family - lower middle class - did without in many instances until I learned to get a job and have money available when I needed it.  That has carried through my career (2 families) and retirement where we can afford just about anything.  Now 77 so don't plan to make many changes in that philosophy.

[novacova]

9 hours ago, tomgreen said:

Being fairly new to what was expected after marrying a Thai woman , when it came to giving her parents any money , I just smiled and paid the request for money , thinking that I was doing the right thing and of course helping the wife’s poor parents along the way. 

Well that was a mistake….

[retarius]

I use the word rarely used by today's parents.....I say No.