A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.
Then he said to the statue:
'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me anything!!..????????

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

Excuse me but I seem to have forgotten what "sex" is!

Can anyone on here remember what it is?

4 minutes ago, DezLez said:

Excuse me but I seem to have forgotten what "sex" is!

Can anyone on here remember what it is?

 

It comes between five and seven I think  

26 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

It comes between five and seven I think  

AM for you for us it's PM ????

Waiter: Comfortable?

Me: No..... Come for food.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mum forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

 

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the truck' 

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 

 

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... '

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' 

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 

 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 

 

'Now wot da fek would you say?'

My inflatable house got a puncture today.

Now I'm living in a flat. 

Why are the Irish so rich?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

 

 

 

I went to see an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Déjav.

Déjav who?

Knock knock….

 

You've probably heard it before though.

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

 

It comes between five and seven I think  

What does?

????

53 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?

Was he mincing about afterwards or just have a tender loin?

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

I am not interested in whole chickens, just the breasts, so can I keep concentrating on what I'm doing please!!

The return of

ZOUMA.

Off topic post removed

8 hours ago, Crossy said:

 

It comes between five and seven I think  

You posh git! ????????

10 hours ago, Crossy said:

 

It comes between five and seven I think  

Working in Glasgow rolling out a new IT system & goes into storage room to see how many monitors we had left & the lassie who was helping says “I count 5 but we should have sex”…

 

After that the other Lassie asked if I wanted Totty (Baked Potato) for lunch…

 

Happy Days ????

 

 

Vegan ice-cream 

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