.

The stunning blonde, dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.
"Hello, is your husband not in?" he asked,
"Does it look like he is in?" she replied, opening her negligee. "Will I not do?"
"No, not really," he said. "I need your car reversing out of the drive."

Zen Eye Tests

I've just got a job testing hover boards.
It doesn't pay much, but it keeps me off the streets.

.

A piper is very pleased when is asked to play at the burial of an old soldier at the churchyard. Unfortunately, the church is in a remote area and he becomes lost on the way there.

After almost an hour of looking, he finally spots the gentlemen filling in the grave.

Unfortunately, because of his lateness, everyone else has gone.

He decides that as long as he is here he will do his duty as promised.

He walks to the half-filled grave with his pipes and the diggers stop working and stand upright he nods at them and then stands at the head of the grave and begins playing Amazing Grace.

He does the best rendition that he has ever done in his life.

He is very pleased with himself as he nods again and walks away toward his car with a sombre look on his face.

As he leaves he hears one of the gravediggers say to the other…

That was really amazing, I’ve never heard anything like that in all my 20 years of putting in septic tanks.

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

Na, your just building yourself up too much?

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

Don't forget your online poppy https://www.britishlegion.org.uk/get-involved/ways-to-give/donate

 

Or give personally if there's a RBL branch in your area. 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I unfortunately married his ex-wife."

As soon as I got the girlfriend home  I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said,

 

"I don't want to catch you at the swingers club wearing my things ever again."

59 minutes ago, billd766 said:

Tht is a scarey photo. I may print it out and stick it up his room.

Sent you a PM

A young Arab boy asks his father.

Boy: "What is that strange hat you are wearing?"
Father: "It protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

Boy: "And what is that long flowing robe you are wearing?"
Father: "This is a 'djellaba.' it protects the entire body from the heat and blowing sand.

Boy: But what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet.
Father: "These are 'babouches' they stop us burning our feet on the very hot sands.

Son: "So Tell me then"
Father: "Yes my son"?

Son: Why are you still wearing that cr&p, living in Bradford in the middle of winter?

Two Scotsmen are talking in the pub and one turns to the other, saying,

“Now, Mick, if I should die first, will you pour a bottle of the finest malt whisky over my grave?” 
“That I will,” says Jock,

“but do you mind if it goes through my kidneys first?” 
 

One evening, there was a knock on the O’Flannagans’ door. 
“Hello Mary,” said Sean. “I’ve got some bad news for you. 
There’s been a terrible accident down at the brewery and Pat is dead.” 
“Oh no, my poor husband!” sobbed Mary as she collapsed on the ground. “What happened?” 
“It wasn’t a pretty sight,” sighed Sean. “Pat fell into a huge vat of Guinness and I’m afraid he drowned.” 
“Aaagh!” wept Mary and for some minutes nothing more was said. Eventually, Mary roused herself and said to Sean. “I hope it was all over quickly?” 

“I’m afraid not. He came out four times to take a pee.” 
 

The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing.

As she entered the waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law.

Unbeknown to her, he was listening to the cricket on his IPod. 
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously. 
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got nine out and there’s only one to go and then they will all be out.” 
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted. 
 

One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say,

“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.” 
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again. 

“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep! 
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again. 
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.” 

Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little work but worrying and making mistakes . When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, told his wife that he had had a bad day at the office and asked his wife what sort of day that she’d had. 

She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day. This morning when I opened the front door I found the milkman dead on the front doorstep.” 

The athletic looking young man had a dreadful medical problem, so he went along to the chemist to see if they could help him. 
Unfortunately, the shop was owned by two ugly spinsters, but it was too late to walk out, so blushing profusely, he explained that he had a permanent erection and what could they give him for it. 

“Just a moment, Sir” and the two women went into the back room to confer. 
A couple of minutes later, they returned smiling happily. 

“Okay, we’ve talked it over and we can offer you a half partnership in the shop and £1,000 cash.” 
 

9 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

 

Na, your just building yourself up too much?

Here is where i have to put my foot down,don't listen to this guy Worried noodle,stand tall!!!!

9 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

 

 

20 minutes ago, jvs said:

Here is where i have to put my foot down,don't listen to this guy Worried noodle,stand tall!!!!

 

Step on it my lad.

I think you might be a bit of a heel if you do not toe the line, and stop looking at the downtrodden in such a sole-less manner. You should offer those in need a crutch or some form of leg up or proper support rather than meaningless words of comfort!

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."...

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

I just saw a car being driven by a young sheep in a swimsuit!

It was a Lamb Bikini

Poor old Nelly !

 

5 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Your nuts!

Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 A sad short wrench walks into a bar and asks for a beer
the bartender asks why is he so sad.

The wrench replies "can you leave me alone, i don't want to torque"